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Original poster

What would you do if you were us?

358 replies

BigOldOak · 23/02/2023 05:47

Sell or stay? Both turned 40 this month. DC 10 & 2.

YANBU Option 1- stay where we are. Been here 20+ years, nothing left to do to house, low maintenance, small garden, kids bedrooms aren’t massive, modern comforts and warm. Lovely safe community village, beach on doorstep, good neighbours, but are surrounded by them on all sides as an estate.
Small mortgage meaning no £ worries, DC could have private education, I don’t have to go back to work.

Option 2- move to large period house, lots of potential, barn (that could be converted and rented out), 2 acres, very secluded but can walk to the town. Needs a lot of maintenance cosmetic work as basic original eg old windows/kitchen/bathroom but nothing structural. Would have no/minimal money for renovations until I go back to work (which I’d planned to do when nursery free hours start), starting again with a big mortgage, tighter financial belt, no holidays/private school. DC could just about walk to the only school (huge with not a great reputation)

I love gardening and DIY, DH not so much. Big house and garden would be a dream forever home for us all but does it trump education and £ security? We have always been cautious but for some reason both feel like taking a leap!

Or are we having midlife crises?

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 23/02/2023 22:54

Option 1. Only because I don’t think now is the ideal time to be increasing the mortgage. If the economy wasn’t as sh*te I’d say go for option 2., but I just wouldn’t do it in the current climate.

CatA27 · 23/02/2023 22:57

Very secluded but can walk to town? That doesn't sound very secluded! I'd go for it. Kids with decent parental support will usually do well in any school. You only regret the opportunities you don't take and will always wonder if you don't 😀

shadypines · 23/02/2023 23:03

Option 1 all the way. My thinking if it were me is it can always be reassessed in the future when bulk of education done and there's more money in the bank.

sussexpud · 23/02/2023 23:30

sorry, but for me Option 2 with a 2 year old sounds like a nightmare.
Could nor bear the chaos. Also I think the community is important for your kids?

T1Dmama · 23/02/2023 23:36

Option 2 sounds a little like a dream house but can’t help but think it would be a nightmare! Nothing would make me chose a larger mortgage over the kids education and a relatively easy financially secure life.

RosyappleA · 23/02/2023 23:42

Yousee · 23/02/2023 06:30

Your dream house sounds like a bit of a nightmare if it will strip away your quality of life and financial security. What's attractive about that?

Agree with this comment. It has stressed me just reading about it.

Summerfun54321 · 24/02/2023 00:04

Don't move your whole family into a shithole because you want a decorating project. Stay where you are and buy a flat to do up and rent as a separate project.

jjx111 · 24/02/2023 01:35

We are having exactly the same dilemma (apart from the fact we paid off our mortgage some years back). But if not now, then when? If we leave it too long then DC will be grown and flown.

thismamayogi · 24/02/2023 02:10

WordtoYoMumma · 23/02/2023 06:48

I'd say stick with option 1 as I'd love the have the financial security you describe plus your life sounds really nice. What would your child want? Option 2 doesn't sound great for them.

I suppose it depends what you want in life, I've never understood wanting a huge perfect dream house, I'd prefer a house that works and a lovely dream life which it sounds like you currently have...

This,
and from what I’ve read, most of the other comments agree too. I dream of security for my kids. We rent, are breadline, and were evicted last year as our landlord decided to sell suddenly and refused to be merciful. I was heavily pregnant and he wouldn’t even let us stay til baby was born. We had been perfect tenants. I gave
birth to my fifth child one week after moving into accommodation that we were forced to accept as no other options.
Point is, I genuinely dream of your security. I also have acquaintances who have done similar things to your option 2- and they never turn out as you will imagine. And they were keen DIYers and one qualified builder. Your relationship will be under huge stress and your homey atmosphere gone. Especially if DH doesn’t love DIY. Community and security trump most other things. Especially as you sound like your location is idyllic already. If you were inner city and amongst high crime I might say different - but this is the dream. Focus on your relationships and time is one of the biggest gifts going - being at home more and working less to suit you but without pressure would be so so good for your children. I do think kids grow so quick and if you can physically be there for them as much as possible it is a wonderful thing. Also nice for relationship with DH. You could get involved with a cottage industry plan (make something you enjoy making and sell in your community?), or the allotment idea is lovely.
be content with what you have and take time with your kids. Best wishes.

Flippingnora100 · 24/02/2023 02:13

We are option 2 types. We have renovated loads of old properties and moved abroad a few times, currently living in Costa Rica. Our current house had wild animals living in it when we bought it! Our approach has worked out really well as each house has turned out to be a great investment. I think what option you go for depends entirely on your appetite for risk and adventure, what will satisfy you and what kind of life you want for your children. I think there’s a certain level of risk that can be really rewarding. Pushing yourselves too close to the brink financially, especially as it’s unnecessary might be regrettable. It’s your life though. You’ve got one. Do what feels right to you. Maybe there’s another option 2 that wouldn’t involve so many compromises?

notangelinajolie · 24/02/2023 02:29

We did option 2 and have done it a couple of times. I won’t lie, it’s been shit a lot of the time. And just when we are living our best life and have everything just how we like it - we move.
Its been an adventure and life would have been pretty boring without all the drama (for me anyway). I think DH would have preferred a nice car and the odd holiday every now and then.
The kids were fine - only along for the ride and now they are all off on their own life adventures.
Me and DH are doing it all again but tbh even I am struggling with it this time. I think we may just stay.

Im going against all the good advice on here and saying go for it.

thismamayogi · 24/02/2023 02:31

Flippingnora100 · 24/02/2023 02:13

We are option 2 types. We have renovated loads of old properties and moved abroad a few times, currently living in Costa Rica. Our current house had wild animals living in it when we bought it! Our approach has worked out really well as each house has turned out to be a great investment. I think what option you go for depends entirely on your appetite for risk and adventure, what will satisfy you and what kind of life you want for your children. I think there’s a certain level of risk that can be really rewarding. Pushing yourselves too close to the brink financially, especially as it’s unnecessary might be regrettable. It’s your life though. You’ve got one. Do what feels right to you. Maybe there’s another option 2 that wouldn’t involve so many compromises?

I like this comment because it makes wonderful sense - I say option 1 for the reasons I previously stated - because it sounds to me like your situation isn’t robust enough for the projects involved.
if you actively dislike your current home that would be a problem - then you could think of a compromise. Loving your home is important and I am all for the confident risk - as in, if you are all in and it will be it’s own comfort. Does that make sense? But I think you need to be sure you will be able to be calm and present for your kids no matter what. If you take on a stressful project, it’ll test you greatly and that may not be at all positive when your kids are benefitting from a settled life and having your attention.

for context - I don’t care about the school thing - I home educate as I personally have no time for school as a concept, I am 41 and DH 44 and I grew up with a very settled early childhood and then fairly nomadically, following my Dad’s work to Costa Rica, Colombia and then various places in the UK. so I have a few different perspectives on it all.

your option 2 doesn’t sound like a family adventure for which you are all ready so much as a very dodgy gamble on the nurturing life you already have.

AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere · 24/02/2023 07:00

I've read the first 2 pages all saying option 1.
I would definitely chose a more spacious home over private school (but then I would never send my kids to private school even if I had enough money to pay for it twice over)

Dancingintherain1234 · 24/02/2023 07:16

Option 1 definitely! Financial stability is so important and it sounds like you'd be giving up a lot. Where you currently live sounds like a lovely place for your children to grow up.

LaMariposa · 24/02/2023 07:18

We chose the bigger house/garden over the small but done house.
I love gardening, we’ve ploughed all our savings into improving it, and we are mostly happy.
BUT - the children are in an excellent primary school, we still have friends within walking distance, and the new neighbours are lovely.
And I don’t like flying so we are quite happy to skip the holidays.

The size of the mortgage does scare me a little at times.

littlesos · 24/02/2023 08:02

Only got to page 2 sorry but I know exactly where you are coming from. It would be option 2 for me. My girls didn't go private and they have done well. For me the space is more important than anything and your option 2 sounds like my idea of heaven. I was in the same position as you 16 years ago, paid off the mortgage (i was 34, children 5 and 6 months) had a detached new build 3 bed with a small garden. But we felt hemmed in and overlooked so we moved to a bigger house, larger garden (not by your scale though) a bit further out. Best thing we could have done, i would say do it.

Notsoivorytower · 24/02/2023 08:24

As tempting as option 2 is - right now I'd stay put. As the economy is on it's knees and the future is so uncertain and I think your kids education at a good school is really important you don't want to leave yourselves high and dry. I wouldn't risk it personally. I would love to move to a bigger house, nicer area, larger garden, etc, etc - but being mortgage-free and knowing that I can now start building a nest egg and supporting my children's futures is far more important. Also a bigger house ... when your children leave you'll be thinking about down-sizing again in a few years time!

Isaidnomorecrisps · 24/02/2023 08:33

I grew up in an Option 2 house and it’s so special. Yes we needed lifts to get to places but it didn’t really matter and I still have friends from childhood. And a great place for them to come too.
Now I’m much older I realise how lucky we were to live there - big garden, plenty of space, dogs. It went through lots of stages as my parents had money to do it up / extend and that was fine - I never noticed tbh, we were fed & clothed and had a TV….same as other people.
My OH is looking to move out of his suburban home and I’m constantly saying minimum an acre!

ellyeth · 24/02/2023 08:48

What you already have sounds really nice - and many people would see you as very fortunate to be in such a pleasant, unworrying position. I think to take on a property that needs quite a lot of maintenance, as well as taking on a big mortgage is not a good idea. Why put pressure on yourselves?

sussexpud · 24/02/2023 09:06

Actually can't believe that anyone is saying option 2?
Your kids should come first, and sometimes that means making sacrifices. You have the rest of your life to do Option 2.
Genuinely astonished that people think moving your 10 year old away from a good school, friends, and a community for a bigger house is a good idea. I know people do it, but usually because they HAVE to for a job etc. And usually before kids start school if it is a 'want'. I think Option 2 is selfish.

WTAFhappened123 · 24/02/2023 09:15

Stay.
spend money on days out/holidays together

ehb102 · 24/02/2023 09:21

I went for option 1. I had the important realisation that although I would love a big house for entertaining, I don't like housework and I hate gardening. We aren't rich enough for a big house and a staff to maintain it so semi detached we stay.

Moomoo75 · 24/02/2023 09:21

Stay, stay stay. You have a set up that many people can only dream about. You can offer your children a lovely life style as it stands. If you move you lose all that. My god to have no financial burdens and to be able to go on holls without scrimping is fantastic. Make memories with your children now. Don't put a financial noose around your neck.

Madcats · 24/02/2023 09:31

Your first DS is about to start secondary school and become independent. In the short number of years to come they will want to be out with their friends (probably on the beach), not sat in the garden (or you'll have a hoard of them descending on you for impromptu camps/sleepovers). Unless you are super-organised and have a lot of money/mortgage set aside their home will be a building site for a couple of years.

I'm firmly in camp "stay put", but that is what we have done with a now 15 year old (who also has a few rural friends that she usually makes come to visit her).

RoseAdagio · 24/02/2023 09:38

For me personally, option 1 sounds preferable, although I suspect there is also a middle option of having a kind of mini option 2 somewhere less grand and huge that doesn't require as much doing to it. You could potentially still.upgrade a bit, bigger garden etc, with a reasonably manageable mortgage and decent overall quality of life. Some friends of ours bought a huge, out in the sticks place which was a massive reno project and FWIW the breadwinner of the family went through a phase of being VERY stressed out by feeling trapped by his big new mortgage. I'd be wary of going for option 2, but all down to.personal preference/priority really.