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Original poster

What would you do if you were us?

358 replies

BigOldOak · 23/02/2023 05:47

Sell or stay? Both turned 40 this month. DC 10 & 2.

YANBU Option 1- stay where we are. Been here 20+ years, nothing left to do to house, low maintenance, small garden, kids bedrooms aren’t massive, modern comforts and warm. Lovely safe community village, beach on doorstep, good neighbours, but are surrounded by them on all sides as an estate.
Small mortgage meaning no £ worries, DC could have private education, I don’t have to go back to work.

Option 2- move to large period house, lots of potential, barn (that could be converted and rented out), 2 acres, very secluded but can walk to the town. Needs a lot of maintenance cosmetic work as basic original eg old windows/kitchen/bathroom but nothing structural. Would have no/minimal money for renovations until I go back to work (which I’d planned to do when nursery free hours start), starting again with a big mortgage, tighter financial belt, no holidays/private school. DC could just about walk to the only school (huge with not a great reputation)

I love gardening and DIY, DH not so much. Big house and garden would be a dream forever home for us all but does it trump education and £ security? We have always been cautious but for some reason both feel like taking a leap!

Or are we having midlife crises?

OP posts:
Lovetoplan · 23/02/2023 20:24

Defo stay put!

IsaacNewtonPoppleford · 23/02/2023 20:27

Btw, I raised children in a similar sounding smallish house in a similar sounding place (sans beach) and I don't hear them wingeing that the house was too small - they had a bedroom each of similar smallish but adequate sizes - or that they would have preferred to live in a bigger house in the middle of nowhere with loads of building work going on for years. Or indeed even whingeing they would have preferred to live in a finished house like Option 2 with no stress, plenty of money, but further away from the amenities in town with no bus and fewer friends on their doorstep, like many of their peers did. And very nice those houses and lifestyles looked (to adults at least). Not that that was on the cards anyway but if it had've been they certainly wouldn't have been able to have the educations they did (a combination of private and good state schools), plus interesting hobbies and trips from which they benefited and are now making their careers in some cases.

On the contrary, they seem to appreciate it for what it was, imperfections to their upbringings notwithstanding.

Hawkins003 · 23/02/2023 20:30

As much as I like option two, option one is a safer bet

IsaacNewtonPoppleford · 23/02/2023 20:36

We are already leaving DD with an enormous burden which she is very happy and willing to undertake.

I have no intention of having a go at you for this so please don't take the following as having a go, but I would caution you to think long and hard about what you have said here.

Is she. Really? Really really? Or is she just saying so because she is a nice and kind person, who has been brought up in a certain way, and feels this is expected by yourselves and/or society or she would be "a bad person" if she did not. This could be internalised to the point where she wouldn't realise it. It is your job as parents to avoid that for her. Why can she not live her life the way she fully wants to with freedom to travel, to have whatever career suits her, to have children unburdened and meet their needs without undue concern for her brother and likewise them in due course, love whoever she wants to wherever they are in the world, etc., and you make other arrangements for your DS, at least in principle as one option, so she has an actual real choice?

RosaCaramella · 23/02/2023 20:37

Life is short, you never know what is round the corner…
If both of you are feeling restless, make that leap of faith and follow your dream.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 20:37

myfaceismyown · 23/02/2023 20:04

@Blossomtoes and everyone else who jumped on my response. We have a very specific requirement. Our DD will be the named carer for DS. We are looking for a property with a "granny flat" so he has some independence. We have separate finances in place if we need to go into a care home, or prior to that, shoud DD want the home just for them, we can get a small property nearby. We are not worried about the new family property being sold out under us as, at our stage in life, money is not really that important, the quality of the DCs lives is. We are already leaving DD with an enormous burden which she is very happy and willing to undertake. We just want to make life as easy as possible for them both. Besides we are a very loving family! As for rent, no we will not pay rent. We will just live with our DCs just as any other older parent lives with their kids. It has happened im my own family for generations. I didn't charge my DM or DF rent!

It’s a lovely idea. But it’s fraught with potential problems. You need the best legal advice money can buy. Presumably you weren’t living in a house your parents put in your name, it really isn’t as straightforward as you think.

Harls1969 · 23/02/2023 20:38

We live in a small semi in a not great area. We've been here over 20 years and have no mortgage. We would love to live in a bigger house in a more rural area. But, we have no mortgage, eldest has left the nest, youngest is 21, we've done a lot of work on the house. To move where we'd want to, we'd need a mortgage bigger than what our current house is worth and that's what puts me off. So unless we win the lottery or manage to save a few hundred thousand, we'd rather stay put and be able to do other stuff. So I'd definitely say option 1.

GettingItOutThere · 23/02/2023 20:38

until you said about the schools id have said move... but no get the good schools! not necessarily private either

2023willbemyyear · 23/02/2023 20:41

As someone who has had to move house twice with dc and had to put time and energy into decorating/unpacking etc, I can tell you it feels such a waste of time and energy that I wish I could just put into being content with shoddy living conditions and playing more with her. Maybe you could build dollhouses or retrain as a renovater if you have an itch to transform property?

8fttrampoline · 23/02/2023 20:41

Life seems pretty idyllic as it is.
I felt anxious reading option 2! I know life is short, but there has to be some kind of less extreme option. Maybe moving somewhere with a big garden that doesn't need soooo much work?

LouLouLabby · 23/02/2023 20:45

I'd probably disagree with most on here would be very tempted with option 2, as long as I knew the possible issues it might come with are short term, if it's some short term discomfort for long term gain, and that long term gain being a dream forever home with space for me and my family to grow and enjoy for the rest of our lives, I'd take the leap. Do it while the kids are younger, and you are, so you can enjoy the benefits later down the line - the sooner you take that leap, the sooner you can get the grizzly in-between bits done and enjoy it, don't let it just be a dream if it's what you want, make it reality.

Sorrynotsorry22 · 23/02/2023 20:46

My parents ploughed all they had into property, very tight childhood. Now they can draw on their equity ( not sure if that's the correct term), are offering to buy ny house- leaving me rent/ mortgage free.

Pumpkin20222 · 23/02/2023 20:47

Option 1. Can you grab a bit more space in the house - use the loft with a small extension, add a conservatory/terrace. Get an allotment?

FatMax · 23/02/2023 20:49

I would follow your dreams and go for it. You are still relatively young. If you don't do it, you'll always wonder 'what if?' If the thought gives you energy and makes you feel alive and excited it's worth a go.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2023 20:53

Another thing to consider, and PP may have mentioned this, but if you are 'out in the country' then your DC are going to need to be ferried everywhere. There is no walking two houses down to knock for friends to play. This especially becomes are once they hit pre-teen age. Then you're ferrying to school dances, activities, sports, friends, into town, everything that makes being a teen 'worthwhile'. We were lucky that we were able to give our sons cars (bangers) when they reached age 16 and got their licenses. Once they had their own 'wheels' I was amazed at how much more time I had!

mindutopia · 23/02/2023 20:54

We did option 2 last year and have absolutely no regrets. It was our first house and 5 acres and we both have always worked even when dc were small. But it’s a fantastic lifestyle and we’re only 40. We have 30 years here hopefully before we need to think about possibly downsizing or passing it on to our dc as an investment. We’re hoping to put a holiday let in one of our barn that will earn us and then income for years to come. I love it here and it really is the dream.

Thesehills · 23/02/2023 20:56

Option 1 - for sure

EpicChaos · 23/02/2023 20:56

The 2nd option sounds like it's a bit out of the way things, fairly rural, if so, whilst you're thinking in terms of the town being in walking distance, try imagining doing that walk, loaded down with a load of shopping in 3 feet of snow. See if the idea still appeals.
Also, it sounds like it's going to be a bit of a bottomless pit for money, so imo, you're better off where you are.

amonsteronthehill · 23/02/2023 20:57

I would absolutely 100% stay put between those two options

Arniesleftleg · 23/02/2023 20:59

Stay where you are. I often have a recurring dream that we sell our house and move, then I really regret it. Ill have the same dream tonight now 🤣

MyNDfamily · 23/02/2023 21:03

Why would you with interest rates on the rise? To me it seems like a bad time to be taking out a big mortgage.

You will have NO MONEY to do it up, that's madness, I take it you would be putting everything you have into it? I wouldn't leave myself with no savings right now either.

I would sit tight wait until interest rates stabilise and you are back at work. Save what you can in the meantime so you have that to put towards what you'd like to do. There will be other properties.

It sounds like your current house isn't ideal, but is there a compromise maybe?

We moved to a bugger house in 2021, before all of the cost of living crisis kicked off, sometimes I wish we hadn't, only good thing is we fixed the mortgage for 5 years. WE did that due to being caught out back in 2006/07 with the banking crisis, its really not a nice place to be. I wouldn't risk it OP.

martinisforeveryone · 23/02/2023 21:09

LouLouLabby · 23/02/2023 20:45

I'd probably disagree with most on here would be very tempted with option 2, as long as I knew the possible issues it might come with are short term, if it's some short term discomfort for long term gain, and that long term gain being a dream forever home with space for me and my family to grow and enjoy for the rest of our lives, I'd take the leap. Do it while the kids are younger, and you are, so you can enjoy the benefits later down the line - the sooner you take that leap, the sooner you can get the grizzly in-between bits done and enjoy it, don't let it just be a dream if it's what you want, make it reality.

Ten years ago I'd have said go for it. Five years ago I'd have said if you're sure, go for it. Now, I really wouldn't recommend a big project, not with young children to raise and little or no DIY skills under your belt.

The thing is, with big, old houses, you never can say issues and big costs are short term. You're never done and finding trades who don't let you down is a nightmare, so is the spiralling cost of materials, that's when you're not having a nightmare over supplies.

I've just watched a programme on Channel 5 where a semi retired couple did a big extension and renovation project. They had time to supervise and a £200,000 budget. They had no children to care and cater for and yet they had an awful lot of stress. They both said they thought it'd never be finished.

The upside was that they loved it when they were finished. On top of all the downsides previously mentioned, they went £80,000 over budget. I don't think that's a shocker for TV, there's a very real risk with building and renovation at the moment.

MyNDfamily · 23/02/2023 21:15

PumpkinSoup21 · 23/02/2023 08:29

There’s nothing wrong with a midlife crisis. That label often refers to a normal period of reflection and desire for change as we enter a new phase of life and know ourselves better. There’s a temptation to make snap decisions but even those decisions on a small scale are actually fine - it’s okay to step out of your comfort zone. So, firstly, do something different for yourself that isn’t massive - try a different outfit or hairstyle or a hobby you’ve always wanted to do. That might scratch the itch of wanting change in a small way.

It sounds to me like you want to breathe. Your whole post says something about space - the outside space, your kids rooms, being overlooked. Maybe this is something about feeling squashed by the various pressures at this point in your life (young kids, perhaps elderly relatives, working full time, etc.)? Is that translating into a feeling of wanting physical breathing space and more nature around you?

I’d sit with that feeling a bit and reflect on it. Then see if there’s a compromise. Is there a literal half way house (a property with a bit more space but not a massive project) or are there other ways to respond to this need? More time outdoors with the family? Making space in life in other ways where possible?

I think this post hits the nail on the head really. 40 isn't an easy pill to swallow. I found it hard.

How about planning a long summer holiday somewhere rally outdoorsy? not such a huge commitment.

A friend of mine has booked an amazing holiday as she was due to move house but the whole mortgage situation caused it to fall through, she's not able to sell her house at the moment so she's booked a trip to lessen the blow.

EffortlessDesmond · 23/02/2023 21:15

In your situation, at your stage of parenting, no, I probably wouldn't. And I am a risk taker. I think a sensible house, with enough space for you right now, without big financial worries, is a good place to ride out a storm. Get an allotment.

Purpl · 23/02/2023 21:17

Option 2 You can rent part of it out. Lots of room for growing kids. You be mad not too. You prob enjoy working part time ams being independent once little one at nursery. Unless secondary really bad nearby I would grab the opportunity. What’s worse can happen ? You sell up and move again ? We did similar 10 years ago it was stressful some times but I don’t regret it one bit.