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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
diddl · 22/02/2023 17:57

Surely it's up to your kids to do something or not as they wish for MD.

Why did yiu feel the need to remind them that it's MD?

Ladybug14 · 22/02/2023 17:57

You're a deeelite, OP Hmm

I am so glad I don't know you

ittakes2 · 22/02/2023 17:57

I personally would be proud of my son that he was so sensitive to his wife's needs - I would conclude I raised him well! Have lunch on the Sat or the next Sun - mothers day is a commercial exercise is not it more important to just get the family together?

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 22/02/2023 17:57

idontevenknowanyonecalledblurb · 22/02/2023 17:57

I never understand this. She's sad that her mum died so he can't celebrate having his mum? She should politely decline but tell
Him to go make a fuss of his mum while she's still here.

Absolutely agree

Robin233 · 22/02/2023 17:59

Tricky one.
I can remember disliking Mother's Day 20 years after losing mum, even though by then i was a mum myself
I think it stopped bothering me once the kids left home.
Maybe because less fuss was made of it and I could forget all about it.
I understand how op feels but DIL will be finding very difficult and I can totally relate.

Landndialamrhf · 22/02/2023 17:59

It seems odd to me that you would ask (demand) them to come over rather than invite them over. perhaps it’s just the wording in the op. it’s a small but important difference, but that seemed jarring to me.
it reads like you have an expectation of them and you will be unhappy if they fail to meet it. Which evidently you are. It’s got an air of emotional blackmail to it.

its also a bit insensitive to remind her it’s Mother’s Day, she obviously knows, so you just mentioning it is dismissive of her feelings and prioritising yourself.

the ‘what about after I die’ thing sounds very emotionally manipulative too. Surely your son spending time with you is enough, and the pleasure of knowing you raised a man who is loving and supportive of his wife is nice too, it doesn’t matter if he sees you a different day?
I’m not really sure why you’ve made this a competition and a comment on her and how you can’t win, and you have issue with her not being interested enough in you. your son made this decision. Not her.

maybe if you reflect on yourself more you’d have a more positive relationship with your son and his wife and they’d make alternative plans with you? Who knows.

QuinionsRainbow · 22/02/2023 17:59

Without voting either way, surely this is a situation where Genesis 2.24 applies without question.

EyesOnThePies · 22/02/2023 17:59

Making a big 'thing' of mother's day is ridiculous, IMO, once your children are grown up. Card, flowers, lovely. Family meals and get togethers: lovely, but don't have to be on mothers day. Will he wish he had spent more time with you when you are dead? Maybe - but not if that time is demanded by you, on your terms OR ELSE!

evemillbank · 22/02/2023 18:00

Is this real? If so you seem to be missing your empathy chip

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 18:00

Thing is every poster who blames the dil/son that it’s just a day, needs to get over it, should show some resilience. Ahem it’s the op bitching that she’s not being queen for a day, just a day, should get over it and show some resilience.

It goes both ways. Only one of those people is making a fuss and kicking up a stink. Dil ignored text, son said hey we won’t come it’s hard for dil… Que op waahhh

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2023 18:00

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 22/02/2023 17:56

Support her to do what though? It can be a difficult day, but life goes on. Why would he be overly distracted about a grown woman who suffered a bereavement three years ago?

Honestly, I think mother's day is just a hallmark day but, at the same time, adults need to be a bit resilient.

Show quote history

Maybe she is resilient most of the year, @SpicedPumpkinLatte, but finds it harder on Mothers’ Day? As @diddl said, it is 25 years since her mum died, but she still finds MD mailings painful. It is literally a day that is all about mothers - so it is no surprise that someone who has lost their mum might find this time of year harder.

SerafinasGoose · 22/02/2023 18:00

winterpastasalad · 22/02/2023 17:53

It's always mothers of sons who are labelled as controlling and entitled on MN.
Posters who come on after MD to say they are upset that their adult dc made no effort are always told to take the bull by the horns and organize something themselves for next year. Apart from sending the DIL the text, I thought OP was being very proactive. I don't think it's too much to expect a bit of effort one day a year to turn up for a dinner (that's cooked for you!) in aid of your mum.

Nope. It's always daughters-in-law who are unremittingly blamed for any discord in the relationship between their husband and his mother. Always daughters-in-law who have orchestrated any decision their fully autonomous, sentient, functioning adult husbands have made completely off their own bat but which their mothers don't happen to like.

MUST be the woman's fault, right?

OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 18:01

Remember Mumsnet it’s an invite not a summons 😉

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 18:02

Inkpotlover · 22/02/2023 17:39

Is there a particular reason he moved two hours away from you, OP?

The more I read the more relevant this question.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/02/2023 18:02

idontevenknowanyonecalledblurb · 22/02/2023 17:57

I never understand this. She's sad that her mum died so he can't celebrate having his mum? She should politely decline but tell
Him to go make a fuss of his mum while she's still here.

She may well have done that but he may have chosen to stay with her. He’s her dh, he should know better than anyone if she’s struggling. He could have taken the decision himself to spend time with her.

I’ve said on a pp that I won’t be seeing my dmil this year on Mother’s Day. It’s just too raw. Thankfully my dmil is far more sensitive than op and understands that while we won’t see her that particular day, we’ll go and spoil her another time.

Wishimaywishimight · 22/02/2023 18:03

You really can't argue with stupid, can you?

OP, if you make an issue of this you can probably expect to see less and less of your son and his wife in future.

TheHouseElf · 22/02/2023 18:04

Fluffleupagus · 22/02/2023 17:52

brilliant!

Show quote history

Is it? Actually I just think its being unnecessarily mean. OP is a person, with feelings. There's no need for that.

MrsRandom123 · 22/02/2023 18:05

YABU - he’s under no obligation to come especially a 4hr round trip & wants to support his wife. My mum has been dead 15 years & i still struggle a bit on mothers day, seeing people celebrating and thinking what i’m missing out on. Of course i don’t begrudge anyone that & they are lucky but it still stings. Once i had my own children the day was nicer as now its about me but they’re still quite young so i won’t always expect that. I think your son on this occasion is right to put his wife 1st. I would never text my kids as adults to remind them its mothers day…if they want to spend time with me or arrange a lunch or something that will be their choice.

you are entitled to be disappointed but he can see you anytime - his wife doesn’t have that luxury with her own mum

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 22/02/2023 18:05

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2023 18:00

Maybe she is resilient most of the year, @SpicedPumpkinLatte, but finds it harder on Mothers’ Day? As @diddl said, it is 25 years since her mum died, but she still finds MD mailings painful. It is literally a day that is all about mothers - so it is no surprise that someone who has lost their mum might find this time of year harder.

Show quote history

Not denying that it can be hard. First Father's day after my dad died, we took my FIL to lunch at his favourite restaurant and then DH and I did something by ourselves in the evening to remember my dad.

By the following Father's day, my FIL had passed too and so I am very glad that DH got to spend that last Father's day with his dad and that my grief didn't restrict him.

Rafting2022 · 22/02/2023 18:05

This has got to be one of the most self-unaware posts I’ve seen on here (if it’s real).

Drizzlepeacefully · 22/02/2023 18:06

I’m not sure I’ve spent more than an occasional parents day with either of my parents since I left home - I’ve always lived several hours away . I’ve phoned and sent a card . Both my parents are gone now and I do not regret not spending a specific commercially chosen day with them . I visited reasonably regularly and phoned at least weekly , once Dad was on his own - daily . I won’t expect my children to visit me on Mothers Day - I hope they will have independent fulfilling happy lives . Do you see them a few times a year op ?

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2023 18:06

idontevenknowanyonecalledblurb · 22/02/2023 17:57

I never understand this. She's sad that her mum died so he can't celebrate having his mum? She should politely decline but tell
Him to go make a fuss of his mum while she's still here.

Why are you and some posters assuming she hasn’t? We don’t know anything about what OP’s DIL has said, thinks, or feels only that OP’s son is choosing to stay with his wife.

Even if she did tell him to go and he said no, should she force it anyway?

He is a grown man and has made his choice and OP needs to accept that.

idontevenknowanyonecalledblurb · 22/02/2023 18:06

@SchoolQuestionnaire I understand he's supporting her - it just seems that making him feel guilty about seeing his mum on a special day and celebrating with his siblings because she misses her mum and wishes she could do that doesn't make sense. Losing parents is hard and if you still have them you should make the most of it.

WentForAWalk · 22/02/2023 18:07

You asked them if they 'could' come... you should have asked them if they 'would like to come'.

It's an invite, not a summons.

Topseyt123 · 22/02/2023 18:08

What you describe would not bother me or offend me at all and I have three adult children. I do agree that you sound rather demanding and insensitive.

Sending a message reminding a woman who lost her mother just three years ago (that is still relatively recent) that it will soon be Mother's Day was very insensitive. I am amazed you don't seem to get that.

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