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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 22/02/2023 17:52

Yabu

SerafinasGoose · 22/02/2023 17:52

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2023 17:51

You messaged someone who’s lost their mom to remind them it’s Mother’s Day? You are an insensitive areshole OP. I hope that’s clear enough for you.

This.

My own in-laws, primarily SiL but MiL too, behaved in such a way after the death of my own mother that the relationship has never recovered.

Your choice, OP.

bridgetreilly · 22/02/2023 17:52

It is completely normal for adult children not to see their mothers on mother’s day, no matter what the circumstances. You are being incredibly unreasonable and selfish, OP. You son’s wife is his priority now, not you.

Fluffleupagus · 22/02/2023 17:52

Inkpotlover · 22/02/2023 17:39

Is there a particular reason he moved two hours away from you, OP?

brilliant!

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/02/2023 17:52

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 22/02/2023 17:15

Son's wife sounds a bit precious. Is she generally this self absorbed? Does she often have reasons not to engage with her husbands family? What do they do for other family get togethers, Xmas etc.

"Precious"? She's a young woman who has lost her MOTHER.

Precious is sending out a command to your adult children that they must pay homage to you on a specific day.

orchid220 · 22/02/2023 17:52

I think you are being ridiculous to expect him to travel two hours to see you in the first place, just for a meal on Mother's Day. I don't expect my children to do that and I don't visit my own mother either who is a similar distance away. If you want to see them, invite them over next weekend and don't mention mother’s day. Stop being selfish.

RealBecca · 22/02/2023 17:53

Yanbu obviously. Her mum is dead, she can be sad any day of the year. This is your special day. 🙄 Ior she should just get over for your special day

I mean, that's the level of your comment. Dress it up how you want but that's what you mean.

My MIL knows my mum died a couple of years ago and she would never be as heartless and selfish as you are being.

winterpastasalad · 22/02/2023 17:53

It's always mothers of sons who are labelled as controlling and entitled on MN.
Posters who come on after MD to say they are upset that their adult dc made no effort are always told to take the bull by the horns and organize something themselves for next year. Apart from sending the DIL the text, I thought OP was being very proactive. I don't think it's too much to expect a bit of effort one day a year to turn up for a dinner (that's cooked for you!) in aid of your mum.

mollibu · 22/02/2023 17:53

Definitely a reverse. I find it hard to believe someone would actually behave like this.

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 22/02/2023 17:53

This is completely bizarre. We’ve never seen MiL or my mum on Mother’s Day - they both live several hours away, and it’s not a day it’s ever occurred to any of us to try to get together on. Christmas, Easter, birthdays, yes, but on Mother’s Day they get a card, or flowers if we want to be accused by our siblings of sucking up.

But ok, clearly it’s a bigger deal in your family…in which case why on earth can you not see how gratuitously cruel it is to try to rub your DiL’s nose in that when she’s lost her own mother?! Or how utterly ridiculous it is to throw your toys when your adult children with lives of their own won’t cross the country on the date you demand, even without the additional sensitivities of the date you’ve chosen?!

PepsiMaxCan · 22/02/2023 17:53

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 22/02/2023 17:50

Sorry OP just re-read your OP and read that your DILs mum died 3 years ago. I thought it was recent. Yes it must be hard for you not seeing your son on Mother’s Day. Can you arrange to see your son the following weekend as a compromise?

I assume that she will be going to church- as Mothering Sunday is so important to her

They will give her a bunch of daffs there- job done.

CharlotteRose90 · 22/02/2023 17:53

A card and flowers is good enough. Your son is an adult he can see you any Sunday. He is supporting his wife and rightly so . She is his family and clearly finds it hard. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is horrible when you’ve lost your parents and I certainly wouldn’t spend it with my in-laws if we weren’t close like you clearly aren’t. Plan something the week after.!

ComfortablyDazed · 22/02/2023 17:53

This thread doesn’t ring true.

Either it’s a reverse, or you’re the OP from a recent thread who didn’t want to go to her MIL’s for lunch on Mother’s Day (saying it was time for her to ‘hand the baton over’) and got your arse handed to you, and so now you’ve set up a thread to prove your point.

You can’t actually be genuine.

On the slim, off chance you are, the reason your DH isn’t inclined to go (nor persuade his wife to go), is all right here on your thread.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/02/2023 17:54

winterpastasalad · 22/02/2023 17:53

It's always mothers of sons who are labelled as controlling and entitled on MN.
Posters who come on after MD to say they are upset that their adult dc made no effort are always told to take the bull by the horns and organize something themselves for next year. Apart from sending the DIL the text, I thought OP was being very proactive. I don't think it's too much to expect a bit of effort one day a year to turn up for a dinner (that's cooked for you!) in aid of your mum.

If you have to ask…

WentForAWalk · 22/02/2023 17:54

If you were my mum I wouldn't visit you either.

amonsteronthehill · 22/02/2023 17:54

I read it as OP inviting both of them, not just her son.

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to be disappointed.

It would be unreasonable to keep trying to talk to him about it.

Mischance · 22/02/2023 17:54

You have 3 other AC visiting on Mother's Day - so be content with and glad of that. It will be a great deal more than many mothers will have.

Seamstressfortheband · 22/02/2023 17:55

Grow up.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2023 17:55

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:31

Seems like I cant win. If I had just invited my son I would be accused of excluding his wife. So I invited them both to join in with a nice family meal and apparently I’m the worst?

Absoutely bizzare! I still have feelings and I am of course upset that I cannot see my son on mothers day.

You are not ‘the worst’ for inviting them both, @Thegardenmum - though it was a bit insensitive to invite someone who has lost their mum to a celebration of you as a mum. You could have just messaged your ds and said “We are having a family lunch on Mothers’ Day - X and Y will be there - would you and DIL like to come?” That would have been inclusive, but without rubbing the event in your DIL’s face.

You are allowed to feel upset, but you are being unreasonable to expect your son to prioritise you over his wife. I am a MIL - my eldest son is married and they have a 7 month old baby - and we had a similar situation over Christmas last year. We have never had a Christmas without all three of our sons here (apart from one where covid stopped ds1 and his dw from coming to us), but ds1 and my lovely DIL decided they wanted to have their first Christmas with their baby at home - partly because of the sheer logistical challenge of bringing a baby and all the necessary gubbins, and partly because they felt this was a special Christmas - their first as parents - and they wanted to have it in their own home.

Was I sad that they weren’t here - of course - but I respected their decision, and I was pleased that ds1 put his own family first. I know he still loves me, and we still have a very good relationship - I don’t think that relationship would be damaged by him prioritising his family over dh and me.

But if you show your son that you are cross with him and that you think he is being unreasonable, you will risk damaging your relationship with him, I’m afraid.

diddl · 22/02/2023 17:55

Blossomtoes · 22/02/2023 17:34

Even the retailers who want to make money from us are sensitive enough to ask us if we want to be removed from Mothers’ Day mailings yet someone would rub her DiL’s nose in it. Unreal.

Yup.

Lost my Mum 25yrs ago.

Still cry if I get a MD mailing!

rainyskylight · 22/02/2023 17:56

Although I can see both sides of this, I think the part that is particularly hurtful about the invitation/summons being to both of them is that the DiL clearly doesn't have her own mother to attend to. It brings attention to the absence. He mother is dead and doesn't matter anymore. It's just so blunt.

My MiL would not send a guilt-trip invite to both of us because she knows that I might also want to consider my own mother (and DH may want to consider me, on behalf of our 2yr old).

My father died 3 1/2 years ago and I would struggle with attending my DH's fathers day celebrations, because they make me so sad about all the years I've missed out on with him. However, that wouldn't make me stop him going to see his father.

I can also see that OP's DIL may particularly struggle with Mother's Day, as it is can be brutally omnipresent. 30 yrs old is very young to lose your mother.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/02/2023 17:56

Lavender14 · 22/02/2023 17:01

I'd be really proud that I've raised a man who is considerate of his wife and is showing himself to be a good husband who cares about his family and will do what he needs to, to ensure his wife's welfare on a day that's likely to be very difficult for her. I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to sit home alone or to put on a pretence and show up for you. She's your dil and I think you should be acting like she's part of your family and caring more for her welfare. Arrange to see them on a less sensitive date and be proud of the man he grew up to be.

This.

You have no idea how painful this day may be for your dil. And to be honest it doesn’t seem as though you actually care. It seems that in your mind it’s all about you and you don’t want to consider her feelings at all. He may be your ds but he’s her dh, it’s right that he should put her first.

I lost my dm last year. She was due to come to us for Christmas along with dpil. When she passed my dh offered to cancel his parents as he thought I’d prefer it to be just us. I told him not to and that the company may help but I was grateful that he offered. We’ve been married a long time and although my dmil has her moments we are family and they couldn’t have been more supportive since it happened. I know that if I wasn’t up to it they would have understood.

I’m not sure I’ll make it to see them on Mother’s Day. We usually alternate and it was supposed to be my dm’s year so I may go to visit her grave. I wouldn’t expect dh and dc to come with me or to miss out on seeing dmil if that’s what they wanted to do but I know that none of them would choose to leave me alone on a day like that when I’ll be feeling the loss even more than usual. If we don’t see dmil then we will make sure we see her at Easter or another day. Yabvu.

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 22/02/2023 17:56

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2023 17:47

Her DIL is not keeping him from doing so, he is choosing to do so to support his wife.

Even if he went to OP’s for Mother’s Day, he would likely be distracted and worrying about his wife the entire time which OP would likely be focusing on more than just enjoying that all her children are all there.

Show quote history

Support her to do what though? It can be a difficult day, but life goes on. Why would he be overly distracted about a grown woman who suffered a bereavement three years ago?

Honestly, I think mother's day is just a hallmark day but, at the same time, adults need to be a bit resilient.

idontevenknowanyonecalledblurb · 22/02/2023 17:57

I never understand this. She's sad that her mum died so he can't celebrate having his mum? She should politely decline but tell
Him to go make a fuss of his mum while she's still here.

GotABeatForYouMama · 22/02/2023 17:57

So you expect your son to put you above his wife? Hate to break it to you OP but you aren't his number 1 priority...those days are long gone.