Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

I don’t get where this whole dil is stopping him thing is coming from. Even the op hasn’t tried that card…. Yet.

but yet still we have the Evil dil stopping this poor sap of a husband clearly from dancing to mummies tune.

Not half as self absorbed as the OP sounds.

My mum died 5 years ago, my Dad met another lady about a year later, and she thought it was appropriate to invite my Dads children and their families (2 hour drive each way for us) to meet for the first time (to meet her and her children) on Mother’s Day 2 years ago.
we all went in support of my Dad who was clearly very happy (they married shortly afterwards), but my God I just can’t fathom how incredibly insensitive and self centred some people are.
YABVU

Would you usually see ds and dil on MD?

4hrs drive is a lot in one day

Are your other 3 dc more local

ar you serious-you reminded someone who lost their mum 3 years ago prob during lockdown which was hard enoug that its mothers day soon

also youre too far for a lunch 4 hours is ridiculous

'Why women are blamed for everything'. Including a husband's decision and making a whole raft of assumptions behind a woman's possible input into that decision, without having a clue what (if anything) she actually said.

Here's a thought. If OP's son really wanted to be celebrating his mother and making a big old performative fuss of her on a particular day for emphasizing her maternal status, there is no doubt he would.

That's on him. Women are not responsible for everything men do (or don't do).

Yabu. And even more so that you asked, but won't accept the answers.

God it gets worse you want her to spend the day with you as well?! How long have they been together? You don’t sound “welcoming” you sound jealous of her relationship with your son! Do your other DC have partners? Do you often arrange lunch for everyone?

I did think initially this can’t be real but sadly some mils are actually as selfish &
petty as this.

In her shoes I would have read that message as

"It's mother's day soon and since WIFE's DM is dead, you'll be free to come to mine. So I want everyone to come to my house and fawn over me. It's not like you'll have anything else to do cos...you know....your mum's dead..."

Even Matalan gives you the choice to opt out of Mother Day reminders!

oh i lost mine 15 years ago but its still an emotional time around these dates

Rude!

When do you think it would be ok to invite them on Mother's Day?

I can't believe you typed that last sentence with a straight face.

Wow OP! You sound like a nasty piece of work to send your daughter in law a message to remind her it’s your Mother’s Day knowing she’s lost her own mother.
Given she’s only 30 she was relatively young to lose her mother too.
If you can’t understand why your actions were selfish then there probably is no hope for you..but do have the decency to understand that trying to replace someone’s mother on Mother’s Day for your own glory doesn’t make you a nice person…maybe start there when working out how to win!

33 is stil quite young to lose one’s mother.

You probably have no idea if they are TTC which might make the day even rawer.

Mothers Day is commercial crap.

Your son might be glad of the excuse not to come (I would in his shoes).

Where do the your other offspring live?

Absolutely nothing worse than going out for lunch on these Hallmark Days.

Oh the poor thing, she lost her mum at only 30?

OP, you asked they said no. That's the end of it, isn't it?

You are entitled to your feelings but so are other people.

I don't think either your son or your daughter in law are being unreasonable.

When losing your mother so young, Mother's Day might be a sensitive time for many years.

Why does it have to be that day?

Invite them another time.

Problem solved.

This can't be real. Your DIL has lost her mother and you sent a reminder about Mother's Day?!? Very odd and very rude. You would have been better to just message your son and see what he had to say.

You are being extremely unreasonable.
Three years is a blink in time for a loss like that. Your poor daughter-in-law.
And you're going to have a huge fuss made of you anyway if you've got three other children coming to the meal. For heaven's sake.

I assume you have had a good 25+ plus of celebrating Mother’s Day with your son?

It is a commercialised holiday that really means nothing, and you are completely unreasonable to remind them both that it’s Mother’s Day and to expect them to travel a 4 hour round trip for lunch. Do they have their own children?

Do you expect your DIL to be over her loss by now? 3 years is nothing and days like Mother’s Day always hit hard. Why on earth would you expect her to sit round the table with everyone celebrating their mother and pretend to be happy? Honestly I think you owe them both an apology and need to accept your son is an adult with his own family now.

As you say none of us know with certainty how DIL responded. She may well have said go and see your Mum - or she may well have said otherwise (or inferred if not directly spoken).

Here's a thought. If OP's son really wanted to be celebrating his mother and making a big old performative fuss of her on a particular day for emphasizing her maternal status, there is no doubt he would.

And wouldn’t need to be reminded or told. It’s not like there aren’t emails about Mother’s Day for weeks.

You can literally do anything on any other day of the year with your son. Grow up.

And as I also said he made a choice and OP needs to accept it.

If you wrote your invitation like you have written these posts, can't you see how tone deaf they are? Are you an empathetic person? Can you see how this is a particularly tricky time of year for your DIL and still quite raw for her? In fact she might always feel this way about Mother's Day until she has DC of her own.

Also you can't expect grown up DC with their own family to spend it with you on Mother's Day. Pick another day.