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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 22/02/2023 17:42

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:31

Seems like I cant win. If I had just invited my son I would be accused of excluding his wife. So I invited them both to join in with a nice family meal and apparently I’m the worst?

Absoutely bizzare! I still have feelings and I am of course upset that I cannot see my son on mothers day.

You can win. By inviting them and accepting that they’ve declined the invitation. Unless it was a summons rather than an invitation?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/02/2023 17:42

Also, it seems odd that you're organising your own Mother's Day celebration

Usually a reason for that…

mellicauli · 22/02/2023 17:42

2 out of 3 of your children will be there. Isn't that enough?

Easter is only a month later, say you are sorry and that you realise now it was a bit insensitive, what about they come for Easter Sunday instead?

withgraceinmyheart · 22/02/2023 17:43

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

You’re not her mother.

Topee · 22/02/2023 17:44

I’d be embarrassed to summon my children on Mother’s Day, they should come when they choose.

Cornchip · 22/02/2023 17:44

This can’t be for real.

No one can be this dense.

Iizzyb · 22/02/2023 17:44

Took me about 10 years after my dad died to even acknowledge Father's Day and we weren't even close.

I think your son is lovely for thinking of his wife. You can presumably see him/them another weekend and have a meal with them when it's less emotive for his dw

BellePeppa · 22/02/2023 17:44

OoooohMatron · 22/02/2023 16:50

If this is real you are one selfish piece of work.

Absolutely. And entitled and I expect quite controlling. I’m a mother of adult sons and the idea that I would ‘expect’ them to spend the day with me because it’s ‘Mother's Day’ is absurd. OP didn’t even appear to ask her son if he’d like to come over but demanded/expected his presence!

Laiste · 22/02/2023 17:46

I think the text to both was to ensure the DIL had to actively decline, rather than texting the son only allowing him to easily sidestep on behalf of his wife.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 22/02/2023 17:46

You sound like my mil…

withgraceinmyheart · 22/02/2023 17:46

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:31

Seems like I cant win. If I had just invited my son I would be accused of excluding his wife. So I invited them both to join in with a nice family meal and apparently I’m the worst?

Absoutely bizzare! I still have feelings and I am of course upset that I cannot see my son on mothers day.

You ‘win’ by messaging your don privately to say that you’d love to see them both of Mother’s Day and will be doing xyz but of course you absolutely understand if his wife doesn’t want to come, or if they want to do something together to remember her mum. Then by accepting and supporting their decision.

Indáirire · 22/02/2023 17:46

His wife should come first before you. My husband certainly comes before my dad. It's the vow you make on your wedding day.

TheHouseElf · 22/02/2023 17:47

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:31

Seems like I cant win. If I had just invited my son I would be accused of excluding his wife. So I invited them both to join in with a nice family meal and apparently I’m the worst?

Absoutely bizzare! I still have feelings and I am of course upset that I cannot see my son on mothers day.

Seems like you can't OP. I can't understand why some people are giving you such a hard time and there are a lot of assumptions being made.

Think its really sad your son doesn't seem to want to make the effort to see you on MD. I happily travel 3 hours and by public transport each way just to see mine. Why, because I love her, cherish her and am thankfully for all she did for me. So those saying a 2 hours each way journey 'just for a lunch' is such a huge ask are talking nonsense.

SerafinasGoose · 22/02/2023 17:47

This has to be a pisstake. If it isn't, it's one of the most spectacularly insensitive things I've read on this site. And that's saying much.

Of course his wife finds Mothering Sunday difficult. It's still a sad day for me, even though my mother died young nearly two decades ago and I'm now a mother myself. I struggled with emails from retailers 'reminding' me of that day for years afterwards. 3 years is an irrelevance, to those who would attempt to put a timescale on someone else's grief.

I'm glad OP's DiL has a husband who is kinder and more understanding and supportive than her MiL. Always bearing in mind it was his decision not to visit. You might want to do some reflection on why this might be the case.

As for the excuse 'people should spend more time with me because one day I won't be here' those who trot out this objection fall into a definite type. People tend to spend time together, not because of duty or guilt-tripping, but because the other person makes it a pleasant experience to be around them rather than the reverse.

One day we'll all be dead. That's no excuse for behaving like a dick. Yes, you are. YABU.

BadNomad · 22/02/2023 17:47

What did you do for the last 2-3 mothers days?

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2023 17:47

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 22/02/2023 17:30

Nah I'm with the OP. Three years is plenty of time for the wife to cope with mother's day and it's selfish of her to allow her feelings to impede on her husband's relationship with his mother.

Two hours is also not far for a family lunch for his mum.

I lost both my parents so have a lot of sympathy but wouldn't dream of keeping my DH from his parents three years on.

Her DIL is not keeping him from doing so, he is choosing to do so to support his wife.

Even if he went to OP’s for Mother’s Day, he would likely be distracted and worrying about his wife the entire time which OP would likely be focusing on more than just enjoying that all her children are all there.

Crunchymum · 22/02/2023 17:48

What has happened the past two years out of interest?

It's a tough one, this will be my 3rd Mothers day since my mum died and it really is a difficult day. That said I love my MIL and would happily spend the day with her and I'd manage to do so without feeling too sad / triggered.

You can't force people to feel a certain way. You can't force your DIL to feel up to coming to see you and your family, you can't force her to feel okay with being on her own so your DS can come alone. Sadly I think you have to leave this alone and respect their choice.

Having my mum die suddenly has made me 100% in the "spend as much time with your loved ones as you can" camp but again not everyone feels this way. Grief can make you very selfish.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 22/02/2023 17:50

Sorry OP just re-read your OP and read that your DILs mum died 3 years ago. I thought it was recent. Yes it must be hard for you not seeing your son on Mother’s Day. Can you arrange to see your son the following weekend as a compromise?

Aurorabored · 22/02/2023 17:50

Do they have children?

CountryParsonPetal · 22/02/2023 17:50

RampantIvy · 22/02/2023 17:34

So why did you not text him on his own and say 'I'd love to see you on Mother's Day this year as your siblings are also coming round, but I know it might be hard for Wife', instead of sending them both a summons that they had to come?

Yes, this would have been a much better idea.

Op, I wouldn't be too upset about a Hallmark Celebration.

Mothering Sunday isn’t a Hallmark celebration @CountryParsonPetal. It is on the fourth Sunday in Lent and is was a day when children, mainly daughters, who had gone to work as domestic servants were given a day off to visit their mother and family. Mother’s Day is an American invention and is in May.

@RampantIvy I completely disagree. Mothering Sunday has become a Hallmark celebration, just look into any retail outlet to confirm my view.

Back2front · 22/02/2023 17:50

Both my adult DC live 2 hours' drive away. I would never expect them to come on Mothers Day. A card is sufficient!

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2023 17:51

mellicauli · 22/02/2023 17:42

2 out of 3 of your children will be there. Isn't that enough?

Easter is only a month later, say you are sorry and that you realise now it was a bit insensitive, what about they come for Easter Sunday instead?

Exactly. Easter Sunday is not even an month away from Mother’s Day and
so it could be a possibility for them to come for a longer visit instead for a few hours on one day.

Sirzy · 22/02/2023 17:51

You invited them. They said thanks but no thanks. That should be the end of it.

your making an issue where there doesn’t need to be one.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2023 17:51

You messaged someone who’s lost their mom to remind them it’s Mother’s Day? You are an insensitive areshole OP. I hope that’s clear enough for you.

toomuchlaundry · 22/02/2023 17:52

Do you see them often?

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