Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

Well, yes. I don’t need ‘evidence’, this is a discussion thread and I feel it’s most likely she requested he stay home because she’s being selfish in her grief. I could be wrong, but that’s my opinion.

Oh my God...

She never said anything of the sort.

Reading comprehension isn't your strong point, is it?

Yeah I think that's just you. Maybe that's your interpretation because that is what you would do.

😂😂😂

OK, no, you’re still answering this as if the wife is forcing her husband not to go.

What I asked was why is it unlikely that he would want to ensure his wife wasn’t alone on this very difficult day for her. You’ve said it’s not an obvious course of action because if you were the wife, you wouldn’t want that to happen. That isn’t what was asked.

If your partner was suffering would it really be unlikely that you’d want to stay and be with them? Really?!

You don’t seem to be understanding what posters are saying.

You’re the one holding the DIL responsible for the son’s decision, based on nothing but because you’ve decided it’s what happened.

You’re the misogynist. You’re the one blaming women for a man’s behaviour.

Does she have children? If she does it’s her Mother’s Day as well

If she doesn’t are you very sure there’s no secret regret/anguish there as well making Mother’s Day additionally painful?

I didn’t get my FIL presents/cards for Father’s Day for 5 years after my dad died I just found it too painful (sadly my husband didn’t do bother to do anything for him either).

Doing a three line whip on your adult children to do Mother’s Day with you every year seems a bit controlling tbh

Doing a three line whip on your adult children to do Mother’s Day with you every year seems a bit controlling tbh

And therein, likely, lies the reason behind the son’s decision.

Assumptions yet again. No one knows if OP has asked them to do this every year.

She certainly posts as if her expectation is that "this is what you do" on Mother's Day.

If not, then why is she so annoyed with her son for declining?

OP very much posts as if it’s unthinkable that an adult child would not be with her on Mother’s Day so yes I did make an assumption based on that and her statement here

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Can't see where OP has specifically written that on any of her posts.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

This wasn’t an invitation, it was a summons. She wouldn’t bee we angry otherwise.

But that's just your interpretation of what OP has written.

She put 'could' they come for a family meal. That's not demanding language, that simply her asking them.

Again, that's your interpretation. I certainly don't read it that way. She put 'could' they come for a family meal - "could" is not demanding language in anyone's book.

3 years on could still be pretty raw, OP. I'd be patient as it's too soon to say if this will be for the "rest of your days" or not.

Of course you can feel disappointment that your son won't be there, but I also think you ought to have some understanding about the pain your DIL is apparently feeling.

Does your son spend time with you regularly on other days? It's not that mother's day is the only time he visits you, right?

But you don't get to dictate to someone else how long they take to grieve.

I'm pretty matter of fact and my mum was never sentimental about Mother's Day, so it doesn't bother me at all to celebrate that day for someone else, even though my mum died a few years ago.

But the fact that it's easy for me, or for you, to move on by 3 years, doesn't mean that's the case for everyone else. There might be something else about DIL's circumstances that makes this particularly challenging that we don't know about.

Hmmm thinking about this more I am torn

It's been 3yrs - does that mean op son can never see or spend MD with his mum

My mum died nearly 9yrs ago. Madness seems forever but also no time at all sometimes

Dh parents both died years ago

With my first dh we would get both mums together for a meal

Surely as you marry , you take on the parents so yes mil isn't mum - but she is mil and mum of the man she loves

As I said before - do you usually see all 4 dc on md

What happened before the dil mum died on md

Because it is a reverse so in the words of the wife.

OP I can totally understand you need your DH, but I can also understand your MIL being sad she won't see you both.

Can you invite her to stay a week or so later? Or suggest going to hers for a family meal soon afterwards without the Mother's Day focus?

Isn't it more like 'it's Mother's Day soon, it would be lovely to have you all together so I'm inviting you all for lunch'?

A reminder in this context makes sense.

For god's sake

Why is she angry if it was a polite ‘would you like to come to lunch for Mother’s Day? Your siblings are coming’-level invitation.

Because she expected them to come, especially as she has no excuses as her own mother is dead… ergo, it was a summons, not an invitation.

The way the OP speaks about her DIL subsequently is with disdain and as though her grief should be over now, especially as it’s inconveniencing what the OP wants.

Huh? Did I miss that it was a reverse?!

My mum died 10 yrs ago, and I didn't kick up a fuss on mothers day for my mother in law. I love and miss my mum terribly but my husband has a mum, who he loves and she has feelings.
I carried on doing everything we did before my mum died.
My husbands mum is as important as my mum was. I wouldn't upset her. I have sons and hope I am treated the same as their wives mums are when the time comes.

Not forcing at all but, he loves me and loved my Mum so he would want to support me and whatever I want to do he will support (which is what happens with us regardless if it is Mother's Day or not).
I also love his Mum and will WANT to see her but, she won't demand that we all see her.