Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

But is it right to do this forever more? It has been 3 years and as @Moonicorn has said life does have to go on, even if it is painful at times.

What about this Mother, who loves her child, her son - or is it just daughters and their Mums that matter.

And you should be ashamed to assume that DIL had told her DP he can’t go, rather than made his own choice not to go and spend the day with his wife instead.

Its always the woman to blame hey?

Fine but why does she need her husband to do the same 3 years later? And not see his own mum who will also be dead one day? I can understand the first Mother’s Day after, absolutely, but 3 years down the line is controlling and sounds a bit like emotional blackmail - like her grief entitles her to prevent him from enjoying anything she cannot have.

My mum was a ‘normal’ mum until I was 14, then she decided to leave my dad for an abusive relationship that I spent years trying to protect her from. Blah blah long and painful story but I haven’t seen her for a very very long time. Of course it hurts, seeing my friends with their lovely mums, or telling me about weekends away they’ve had with them etc. But I would never say so - because my sad story doesn’t entitle me to go around being ‘triggered’ and restricting what other people can or cannot do. I want more joy in the world. Not less of it.

Actually I messaged DH this morning suggesting he book an early meal for his mum because I’m due DC2 a few days after Mother’s Day!

Who said anything about 'dwelling on sad stories'? I will be celebrating and be indulgent in thinking about my Mum and how missed she is.

Why not just say fine, let's do another day? Meet them in the middle this time, be kind to her and then you might get what you want next time?

The level of entitlement in this post is astounding.

What a horrible way to speak of the poor DIL.

If you were my MIL, I wouldn't want to see you with an attitude like that. Thankfully my MIL is lovely and we spend time with her because we want to, not because she summons us and guilt trips us.

Thank you @BertHandsome. I really don’t know where to start with that.

Of course but I hope you’re not forcing your DH to stay at home to do it with you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why the fuck are those posters assuming the DIL is somehow preventing the son from seeing his mother, rather than him choosing to stay with his wife on a day she finds hard?!

Misogyny runs deep, even here. Do better.

Because ... misogyny. And no, being a woman does not disqualify someone from being a misogynist.

Man makes decision. Nowhere does the OP state anything other than that Man Makes Decision. But a sizeable number of posters immediately start to embroider on the meagre facts given and answer points that were never made in the first place.

Their conclusions: Woman is Responsible for Man's Decision.

Woman has 'Forbidden' Man from Making an Independent Decision.

First rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

Is it right to do what? She doesn't need to visit her MIL for mothers day ever. Her and her HD aren't joined at the hip, he can go see his mother if he wants.

Oh please. Blah blah misogyny. I think it’s very misogynistic to assume I only draw the conclusions I do because I’ve had my head filled with rubbish by men. Are women only independent thinkers when you approve of what they’re saying?

Forcing? What a leap.

Because I think, on a balance of probabilities, it’s unlikely he thought he would stay home with his wife unless she said was struggling and wanted him there.

There is of course the possibility that he is using it as an excuse because he doesn’t want to go. Or that he came to that conclusion by himself without her suggesting anything.

But as judge Judy says in the absence of being there, I will go with what makes sense to me and seems the most likely thing to have happened.

Women are misogynists when they invent a scenario out of the clear blue sky blaming women for men's decisions when the OP hasn't said anything of the sort. Men are sentient, autonomous adults in their own right and are more than capable of making decisions for themselves.

'Independent thinking' doesn't extend to making this up.

You're welcome 😀

But where does it say she told him he has to stay with her? Her not wanting to visit MIL is not her telling him not to. I'm sure he's big enough to decide for himself what to do.

Because I think, on a balance of probabilities, it’s unlikely he thought he would stay home with his wife unless she said was struggling and wanted him there.

Why though? Why do you think it’s unlikely that a man wants to support his wife, of his own volition? This is just such a bizarre way of thinking, to me.

You’ve completely misunderstood what that poster was saying 🤦‍♀️

You have chosen to create a big Mother's Day event that will be centred around mothers.

Your DIL has decided not to come, which is understandable. There is no evidence that she has forced your DH to stay with her. The best response is to say "I'd really like it if you did something to mark mothers' day but it doesn't have to include DW if she isn't comfortable and/or it could be something together on another date."

Ultimately, do you care more about having your son do something for you willingly or forcing him to do the thing that you want?

Also, there's a massive difference between admitting she might struggle, and "banning" her husband from seeing his mum.

You're being ridiculous Moonicorn.

Why do you think it’s unlikely that a man wants to support his wife, of his own volition?

Because to me, ‘supporting’ somebody by sacking off Mother’s Day 3 years down the line isn’t an obvious course of action. If I had a relationship with my mum, and DH’s mum died, I would probably stay home for the first Mother’s Day but not the second/third/fourth because I think it’s disproportionate and doesn’t balance supporting DH fairly against my relationship with my mum. What’s he going to do, never celebrate Mother’s Day again? How many years does this go on for?

So based on your own evidence-free conclusions you feel justified in vilifying the daughter in law?

Haha what a pile of nonsense! Deary me. Stop making out men are so much better than us.

I feel bad for Moonicorn's husband. Or maybe you. You know not everyone tells their husbands what to do right? Most don't need their wives to tell them to book MD dinner for their own mothers.

Not read all the way through but I can’t believe how selfish you are being. It is still going to be so raw for your wife.

My DH’s mum died nearly 5 years ago and since that point we have avoided Mother’s Day. My mum understands and doesn’t expect to see me on the actual day but I do make sure I send flowers etc to her, plus my mum says she isn’t in the “active” mother role at the moment so it’s not like she needs the day off from running around after the kids, just to know we are thinking of her is enough.