Page 21 | Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:51

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 12:45

Your mum’s still alive, isn’t she?

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Yes but I haven’t seen her in 5 years and saw her maybe 3 times in the several years before that.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:52

I just think life goes on, we can only dwell on our sad stories for so long before it becomes a bit unhealthy.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 12:53

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:51

Yes but I haven’t seen her in 5 years and saw her maybe 3 times in the several years before that.

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That’s not remotely the same thing. Don’t decide what’s sensible for someone when you’ve never been in their position. It makes you look a tit.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:54

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 12:53

That’s not remotely the same thing. Don’t decide what’s sensible for someone when you’ve never been in their position. It makes you look a tit.

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Well, I was left by choice and even when she dies I won’t have any soapy and lovely memories to look back on. At some point life continues, doesn’t it?

Bellaboo01 · 23/02/2023 12:55

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

It is such a touchy subject for some of us when we loose our Mums.

Whatever she feels comfortable with, she is his wife so it is about her not you. He sounds like a nice husband to be considering her above anyone else.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:57

Bellaboo01 · 23/02/2023 12:55

It is such a touchy subject for some of us when we loose our Mums.

Whatever she feels comfortable with, she is his wife so it is about her not you. He sounds like a nice husband to be considering her above anyone else.

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I disagree. It’s Mother’s Day, she’s had a few years now of grieving and now forbidding him from seeing his own mum (if that’s what’s happening) is a bit emotional blackmail-y. If she finds it tough she should stay home and look after herself, but trapping him at home in her grief bubble isn’t healthy or normal tbh.

DirectionToPerfection · 23/02/2023 12:57

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:54

Well, I was left by choice and even when she dies I won’t have any soapy and lovely memories to look back on. At some point life continues, doesn’t it?

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Who's saying life doesn't continue?

Nobody has answered why is so awful for the son to phone and send a card on the day itself, and visit a week or two later when it's less emotionally charged for his wife.

She's not trying to stop him from seeing his mum.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:58

Imagine ‘Husband’s mum died 3 years ago and now he says I can’t see mine on Mother’s Day AIBU’. He would be called controlling 🤷🏼‍♀️ and we all know it.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 13:00

DirectionToPerfection · 23/02/2023 12:57

Who's saying life doesn't continue?

Nobody has answered why is so awful for the son to phone and send a card on the day itself, and visit a week or two later when it's less emotionally charged for his wife.

She's not trying to stop him from seeing his mum.

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Because it’s been 3 years, you don’t get to ban your husband from visiting his mum on Mother’s Day 3 years down the line because of your own sad situation. I can understand the first Mother’s Day after, but the third/fourth? It’s just getting a bit controlling then.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 13:00

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:57

I disagree. It’s Mother’s Day, she’s had a few years now of grieving and now forbidding him from seeing his own mum (if that’s what’s happening) is a bit emotional blackmail-y. If she finds it tough she should stay home and look after herself, but trapping him at home in her grief bubble isn’t healthy or normal tbh.

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She’s not forbidding him anything. He’s chosen not to go. He quite obviously doesn’t want to.

LilLilLi · 23/02/2023 13:00

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:58

Imagine ‘Husband’s mum died 3 years ago and now he says I can’t see mine on Mother’s Day AIBU’. He would be called controlling 🤷🏼‍♀️ and we all know it.

Why have you assumed the DIL has said the OPs son can’t visit?

DirectionToPerfection · 23/02/2023 13:00

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:57

I disagree. It’s Mother’s Day, she’s had a few years now of grieving and now forbidding him from seeing his own mum (if that’s what’s happening) is a bit emotional blackmail-y. If she finds it tough she should stay home and look after herself, but trapping him at home in her grief bubble isn’t healthy or normal tbh.

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You are jumping to some big assumptions there.

Why do you consider Mother's Day such a massive deal when the children are grown ups anyway? I think most mothers would be delighted that three of four are visiting, and that the other one called and sent a card.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 13:01

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 13:00

She’s not forbidding him anything. He’s chosen not to go. He quite obviously doesn’t want to.

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What’s happened here is that OP isn’t coming across well in her posts - she does sound like she’s ‘summoning’ her adult children and being a bit of a control freak. But that doesn’t mean the DIL is inherently right either. Frankly I think neither of them are and I feel a bit sorry for the son/husband 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bellaboo01 · 23/02/2023 13:02

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 12:57

I disagree. It’s Mother’s Day, she’s had a few years now of grieving and now forbidding him from seeing his own mum (if that’s what’s happening) is a bit emotional blackmail-y. If she finds it tough she should stay home and look after herself, but trapping him at home in her grief bubble isn’t healthy or normal tbh.

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FYI - Grief isn't defined by time. It is a constant state unfortunately (I have recently lost both my lovely parents).

Blimey - that took a sinister turn!! Forbidding!!??

You have no idea how she lost her Mum and she might need EVERY Mother's day to be looked after and not have to celebrate mothers day with her husband's Mum and nor should she be on her own.

He knows his wife and he has said what he is going to do and that needs to be respected.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 13:02

DirectionToPerfection · 23/02/2023 13:00

You are jumping to some big assumptions there.

Why do you consider Mother's Day such a massive deal when the children are grown ups anyway? I think most mothers would be delighted that three of four are visiting, and that the other one called and sent a card.

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I mean if it isn’t a big deal then why does she need his ‘emotional support’ for the whole day 3 years down the line? Personally I think a card and flowers is totally sufficient, but I think the DIL is being emotionally blackmaily at this point.

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 13:03

Grief isn't defined by time. It is a constant state unfortunately (I have recently lost both my lovely parents).

It is but that doesn’t mean you get to dictate what other people do, forevermore, because you find certain days or things ‘too painful’. Life goes on.

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 13:05

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 13:02

I mean if it isn’t a big deal then why does she need his ‘emotional support’ for the whole day 3 years down the line? Personally I think a card and flowers is totally sufficient, but I think the DIL is being emotionally blackmaily at this point.

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Because some people loved their mums, and were loved by their mums, and miss them terribly. So when a day dedicated to mums comes around they feel sad and want to be alone away from all the celebrations.

Bellaboo01 · 23/02/2023 13:05

Moonicorn · 23/02/2023 13:03

Grief isn't defined by time. It is a constant state unfortunately (I have recently lost both my lovely parents).

It is but that doesn’t mean you get to dictate what other people do, forevermore, because you find certain days or things ‘too painful’. Life goes on.

Yes life does goes on but, it also changes.

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 13:06

And some husbands love their wives and don't want to leave them to feel sad on their own while they go off celebrating their own alive mum.

AIBUNo · 23/02/2023 13:07

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 09:08

Presumably your mother is still alive or you just shrugged her death off. My mum’s been gone for seven years and I’m old, I still find anniversaries painful. The unkindness isn’t on the DiL’s side.

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I think you are missing the entire point @Blossomtoes

This woman is now 33. She has a mother in law. It's about time she stopped being so selfish and giving her husband a dilemma of having to choose her or his mum on mother's day.

I have never, ever known a married couple who would avoid visiting a mum on mother's day because their spouse's mother had died. It's ridiculous.

Would my mother have said to my dad 'I'm not coming with you on mother's day to see your mum, as mine has died.'

of course not. Never in a million years.

Yes, you find anniversaries painful. We all do, whoever has died.

That doesn't mean we stop our partner spending time with his family while they have the chance.

It's got nothing to do with me having or not having a parent and 'shrugging it off'. Nothing.

You should be ashamed to stoop so low as to make that callous comment.

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 13:08

MIL is not her mother. She doesn't need to go see her.

DirectionToPerfection · 23/02/2023 13:08

Moonicorn you really need to reread the OP as you've taken it up all wrong.

I don't know why you're coming out with words like "banning" and "forbidding". It's very clear that the son made this decision and has communicated that to his mother.

Bellaboo01 · 23/02/2023 13:08

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 13:05

Because some people loved their mums, and were loved by their mums, and miss them terribly. So when a day dedicated to mums comes around they feel sad and want to be alone away from all the celebrations.

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Ahhh - this is so true.

I will see my MIL - she is very lovely,, non-demanding and my Mum absolutely loved her too but, the majority of my day will be centred around me and what i want to do (and probably crying)!!

Enko · 23/02/2023 13:08

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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He may regret not spending more time with you. However him specifically regretting not spending mothers day with you in my view is doubtful.

Also does your other children's partners not have mothers? Do you not habe grandchildren? It's like you feel the mothers day should be focused around you. I have 4 children op. I do not expect them to spend mothers day with me. 2 are at uni so I'm pretty sure they won't. 2 may but I am doubtful knowing their schedules.

It's really.ok for.your son to decline. Invite them some other time if seeing "him" is important to you. If it's specifically about mothers day you may have to accept they chose to not celebrate

BertHandsome · 23/02/2023 13:10

AIBUNo · 23/02/2023 13:07

I think you are missing the entire point @Blossomtoes

This woman is now 33. She has a mother in law. It's about time she stopped being so selfish and giving her husband a dilemma of having to choose her or his mum on mother's day.

I have never, ever known a married couple who would avoid visiting a mum on mother's day because their spouse's mother had died. It's ridiculous.

Would my mother have said to my dad 'I'm not coming with you on mother's day to see your mum, as mine has died.'

of course not. Never in a million years.

Yes, you find anniversaries painful. We all do, whoever has died.

That doesn't mean we stop our partner spending time with his family while they have the chance.

It's got nothing to do with me having or not having a parent and 'shrugging it off'. Nothing.

You should be ashamed to stoop so low as to make that callous comment.

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The irony of you calling someone else callous when you show zero empathy for someone who has lost their mother, basically saying “you’re an adult get it over it”.

And just because you bold the word in MIL doesn’t make her any sort of replacement either.

God this policing of others grief is so grim.