Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

My FIL lives 2.5 hours away, and to be honest, if it's not weekend away, it's so much hassle going there and coming back same day. OP, maybe you could make arrangements with them for some other weekend, not exactly for mother's day lunch?

Just to follow that up my mum left when I was a young teen, ive seen her a handful of times since and not for 5 years now. Mother’s Day is painful for me but I’ve never expected DH not to make whatever plans he wants with his mum because of my feelings. I wouldn’t want my misfortune and sadness to spoil what should be happiness for others.

Err… have you read her posts?

’reminding them it was mother’s day‘ - as if they are obliged to see her
’when I die will my son not wish he had spent more time with me?’ - bizarre self centred attitude

Then there’s the total lack of understanding of why the day might be tough for her DIL and total lack of appreciation for the seemingly thoughtful husband that her son is?!

There’s a world of difference between “I know Mother’s Day is difficult for DIL and there’s absolutely no expectation or pressure to attend, but you are more than welcome to join us for lunch if you feel like you would like to”

and “I’m reminding you both that Mother’s Day is coming up and I expect you to join the family for lunch”.

Which one was it OP?

She hasn't said the DIL has stopped him. He doesn't want to leave her alone, which is HIS decision not the DIL.

Myself and my siblings willing travel for that journey time just for lunch, sometimes for me its just for a coffee and a cake actually. No need for an overnight unless perhaps you've little ones with you.

Appreciate undoubtedly it still a hard day for DIL but given she has lost a Mother herself (and since she's 33 her Mother couldn't have been what you'd consider elderly and OP most likely is of a similar age) after 3 years would it not be better to 'seize the day' so to speak, as none of us know what's around the corner for us.

Who is to say if OP will be here for next year's MD (no offence to OP btw, just that none of us know our fates). He doesn't have to leave his wife, she has been invited and welcomed to attend. Is it going to be the same thing next year on year, and forever more.

Is it going to be the same thing next year on year, and forever more.

Yes, maybe, and it seems particularly likely if the OP continues to display such a blatant lack of empathy.

If anyone had told me to “Seize the day” on Mother’s Day three years after my mum died there’d have been an overwhelming urge to lamp them one.

Again, you are assuming that the DIL is stopping her husband from seeing his mum. There's no reason to believe that's the case.

OP's son has chosen not to go, and that's that. There could be several reasons for that outside of what he's specifically told the OP.

Not sure I would have sent him a text. They grown adults. My mother starts its HER day. I said yep its mine too! Again presumed. Im not big fan of this day as so overpriced. Think it depends where kids live too if nearby

Thank god you’re not my mother in law. You sound awful.

Well how about loving and appreciating the family we have around us, while they are there then, if that works better for you.

@Blossomtoes

I agree. She was only 30 when she lost her mother. I would be proud that my adult son was treating his wife respectfully and sensitively to be honest and I wouldn’t be throwing my dummy out the pram because they couldn’t attend. It’s a commercialised day. You can have family meals anytime. This environment would not be at all suitable to sit in and the fact that the OP can’t see that speaks volumes. You don’t get the right to have every adult child and their partner attend for YOUR Mother’s Day when there are other mothers in the equation. The OP is self centred and lacks any sort of self awareness.

And that absolutely has to be done on one specific day of the year, does it?

What's so awful about sending a card and calling his mum on Mother's Day, and then visiting a week later (for example)?

In this case OP also has her 3 adult children visiting for MD. For all we know they are also geographically located away from OP. Do you expect the 3 of them, and potentially their spouses/partners, to have to work around DIL too. Perhaps OP thought it would be a perfect opportunity for all of them to meet up, all at once.

You don't need to "remind" your adult children that it's mother's day. Sounds more like they were summoned to spend the day with you.

His wife is understandably struggling given the loss of her mum. And his wife's feelings must come first.

You have your other grown kids coming to see you. What is the issue here?

What?

Who's asking them to work around DIL?

They go ahead and visit on Mother's Day if they want to/are able to, and the son goes when he can.

You can't dictate that all four adult children, who have their own lives, must be available on X date.

You have your other grown kids coming to see you. What is the issue here?

I'm guessing it's jealousy and resentment that she's no longer the most important woman in her son's life.

Not dictating anything btw - such emotive language - the other 3 siblings (and potentially their spouses/partners) are attending. Perhaps, due to them having busy lives themselves, there won't be an opportunity for a while for OP to arrange for them all to see each other.

It's a tricky one but I do feel your son should be making the most of the time with his own mum too. Life is too short and one day he may regret his decision. I'd like to think there is another way (not sure what) that allows everyone to be happy. I don't think your son or DIL will be able to get away from it being mother's day anyway with the reminders all around.

Really, 3 years after? Tbh it sounds like it would be sensible advice at that point.

Your mum’s still alive, isn’t she?

And that's life I'm afraid.

Trying to coordinate five separate people/families when living in different locations isn't easy. Great when it can be done, but there has to be an understanding that it's not always possible.

Also, for all you know the three siblings could be younger, single and some may even be living at home. They may all be living locally. It's a big assumption that they all have busy lives and partners who are all putting themselves out to be there.

It's not a competition anyway.

OP's son hasn't done anything wrong, and he actually deserves credit for being so considerate, not judgement.

Some of the comments here from those with living lovely mothers remind me of the ones on every thread about parental estrangement that go like “I could never, imagine never speaking to your own mum again, she’s your mum, I love my mum, you shouldn’t ever cut contact with your mum, she’s your mum, I love my mum” etc etc etc. Just utterly tone deaf.

I’ve been estranged from my mum 3 years and thankfully no MIL but if someone told me to seize the day and go hang out with her on mother’s day I’d probably have to be physically restrained.

Yes, I'd say you are being unreasonable, and it's obvious you don't really like his wife. Her mother has only been dead for 3 mothers days, give her a break.

The message "reminding" them it's Mother's Day also sounds quite bolshy. Generally people make plans with their mums, they are not summoned.

I think a pp suggestion of getting your children together at Easter instead is a good one.