Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

I lost my mum 15 years ago and still hate mothers day. Its a knife in the heart for those who have lost.

i certainly dont want to celebrate anyone else’s mum.

Batshit! 😂

🤣🤣🤣 excellent question

If I die before my daughter's MIL, and she refused to go with her H to MIL on mother's day (as she was grieving for me) I'd be ashamed of her.

This is all so wrong.

The daughter in law here sounds selfish and quite immature for 33.

Yes, it's awful she's lost her mum at 30. But that's all the more reason for trying to treat her MIL as someone special in her life and make the day nice for her.

My own DIL has family too far away to visit and she treats me as her own Mum on occasions like this.

Maybe when she is older and possibly has children of her own, she will behave more kindly towards other people.

Def insensitive inviting them both. A quiet invitation to your son would have been better and it is a long way, but..

My MIL died and I always made effort to see my mum on mother's day (but she lived 5 mkns away) I would go on my own and sometimes my husband would choose to come with me, his choice. My mum has now died, and I see how hard it must have Been for him even watching me leave the house to see her. But, given that it's been 3 years I think he will regret the moments he doesn't spend and I know he's supporting his wife, but she might feel this way another ten years and I don't see that being fair on you and your son.

Presumably your mother is still alive or you just shrugged her death off. My mum’s been gone for seven years and I’m old, I still find anniversaries painful. The unkindness isn’t on the DiL’s side.

You are so rude...she said her daughter in law's mum died 3 years ago...does this mean the OP never gets to see his son on Mother's Day ever again because DIL can't celebrate with her mum? That is just weird. I live in a different country than my mum and I always make sure my husband's mum and step mum are celebrated, because they are my family too, and not because I can't spend the day with mine it means I will be in a huff about other people celebrating.

Living in a different country to your mum isn’t even close to comparable with your mum dying and it’s awful that you would even try to link the two.

You can call your mum, FaceTime her, send a card.

Three years is nothing, think yourself lucky you don’t understand that level of grief.

I really don’t think anyone whose mum is still alive is qualified to judge OP’s Dil. Unless you’ve experienced the excruciating grief of losing a much loved mother, you just won’t understand.

@Thegardenmum

Haven't read the whole thread, but are you such a self-centred nightmare on your birthday, as well?

Well. I have unfortunately lost my dad...we still celebrate my father in law...because I recognise my grief should not make others miserable. Saying that I remember my dad not only on father's Day, sometimes driving, listening to a song, or when I find myself saying something like sounds like him...and he brings a smile to my face...under your premise, people that have lost a loved one: mum, father , baby will never celebrate with others because of their grief and that to me sounds crazy. Time heals...an dof it doesn't then there is professional help....

There’s an awful lot of jumping to conclusions in this thread. Maybe the DIL has told the son to go but he has chosen to stay with her? Maybe the OP has form for not being empathetic and they’ve both decided not to entertain her demand/request/invitation/summons (delete as appropriate).

As the DIL who was bereaved a couple of years ago, we would go, but my MIL wouldn’t ‘remind’ ME of Mother’s Day (her mum is also dead and she IS empathetic) (as IF the OPs DIL has forgotten 🙄) and she’s not a dickhead so I’d appreciate spending the day with her. She values me as the mother of her grandchild, and I value her as the mother of my husband.

Perhaps the OP could focus on building a similarly respectful and supportive relationship and stop acting as though she is in competition with a dead woman and a grieving daughter.

I’ve lost both my Mum and my Dad and I can tell you that it is very very different when it’s your Mum (assuming both parents were basically loving etc).

Also the DIL/MIL relationship has the potential to be much harder than the DIL/FIL relationship. And if this OP is for real, she sounds incredibly unsympathetic and hard work, and it wouldn’t be a massive jump to wonder if the relationship isn’t great at the best of times.

I must have missed something. Why is she hard work? Because she sent them a message asking them to come for a meal? For wanting to celebrate with all her kids there? I really think the comments here are a reflection of the relationship people in Mumsnet have with their own MIL, but just remember if we have boys that will be us in the future ... I would be appalled it my kid thought I was hard work for inviting them over for a meal...

I’ve lost both my Mum and my Dad and I can tell you that it is very very different when it’s your Mum (assuming both parents were basically loving etc).

Exactly that. And everyone I know who’s lost both parents says the same.

Wow, a lot of people are making assumptions that the DIL is 'stopping' her husband from seeing his mother, and making all sorts of judgements about her.

Maybe OP's son has decided independently that he doesn't want them to go. Possibly for several reasons; being kind to his wife, not fancying a four hour round trip just for a lunch, resentment at being summonsed to attend, discomfort about making his wife spend an emotionally charged day with a woman who clearly doesn't like her. Who knows.

If the OP's posts so far are anything to go by, she's not the most thoughtful or considerate person, so there could be other issues in the relationship that we don't know about.

I get on absolutely brilliantly with my MIL. But if she ever had the expectation that we’d do a 4 hour round trip for a lunch when I had said I found the day difficult due to grieving my mum, I’m not sure we’d get on so well. She wouldn’t have a strop about things like that though, she’d be happy with flowers/a card/a FaceTime. It’s not the inviting, it’s the reaction to them declining the invitation that’s the issue.

This reads like a reverse to me. Most years my DDs try to be with me but sometimes it doesn't work out. It's only one day in the year and we meet up at other times which mean just as much to me.

But its not months ahead - MD is 19th March this year, 3 weeks this Sunday.

@Moreorlessmentallystable hits the nail on the head 👏

What's the obsession on here about the 4-hour trip. One of my siblings does it often to see our Mum, and I do a 3 hour each way on mostly public transport just to pop down to see her. Yes, its easier to phone, but sometimes as an adult child I want to physically see and be with my Mother, and imagine that feeling is mutual. Those who've suggested they could visit OP on another occasion for lunch - won't the journey still be 4 hours then as well.

You sound awful

Not nearly as hurt as her DiL, who is clearly still struggling and into whose wound she is now rubbing salt.

Life doesn't stop, but some anniversaries are understandably tough to cope with, even years after the loss. That is for the person doing the grieving for their loved one to determine. Incidentally, I hope 'life can't stop' is not a phrase it's wise to consider using in the presence of a bereaved person.

Yes the journey will still be four hours, but he won't be leaving his wife on her own on what will be a difficult day for her. I'd imagine the four hour trip would feel more manageable on a different day.

In any case, it is a long way to travel just for a lunch. My in-laws are a similar distance away and we would normally stay over for a night when we visit.

If OP lived ten minutes away, it's far more likely he would go over to see her.

This is the reality of DC living away from you.

To be honest after 3 years she should be able to ‘tolerate’ her DH going for a meal with his mum. The first one not so much, but how long does life go on hold for? The reason I think OP is BU is more to do with her ‘summoning’ matriarchal attitude (reminder texts, determination to make sure she sees all her children on Mother’s Day, a touch of emotional blackmail). Most mums are happy with a card, flowers and phone call. A lunch is a nice treat, but you wait to be asked, you don’t organise one yourself then guilt all you kids into doing a 4hr round journey to turn up.