Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

Normally if people want to see their mothers on Mother’s Day, they’re the ones to arrange something. As he hadn't, it’s probably fair to surmise that he’s not that bothered about seeing you on the day.

I completely agree with this although sadly not much you can do about it Op.

My sons put their wives before me, as they should. I doubt I’ll see them, or my daughters on Mother’s Day as we’re all dotted around the country.

They’ll call and send cards though, so I know I’ll be in their thoughts.

Of course you're being unreasonable. Even without your DIL finding the day difficult it's ridiculous to call a month ahead to remind your adult DC about Mother's Day, never mind to insist they come and spend the day fawning over you. Including your grieving DIL in the message is insensitive and cruel, frankly.

If you want a nice family day to include everyone then do it another weekend when your DIL is likely more inclined to be sociable, nobody will be sad or uncomfortable, and invite them like the adults they are, don't just demand their attendance.

I'm genuinely baffled that someone as self-absorbed as you're coming across has managed to raise what sounds like a decent and caring Son, who rightly puts his Wife first.

Sounds silly but can someone explain what a ‘reverse’ is?

My beloved dad has died but I'm glad my DH still has his and I want them to have and enjoy every Fathers Day together that they can. I put on a happy face even though it's so hard.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

Reverse is posting the exact opposite scenario to test out opinion or elicit a response. The reverse would be it’s the DIL posting and she does not want to attend but posts as the mum

“when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.”

Don’t be ridiculous. People who love their mothers spend time with them throughout the year, without notional days. If you have a good relationship with your son, he won’t think, “oh no there were 5 random March Sundays that I missed in 40 years” - because he won’t even remember them, they’ll be lost among the 1000 random days that he saw you without Hallmark telling him to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wind ‘em up and watch ‘em go, eh @Thegardenmum?

I think this is a reverse.
But if you did message your daughter in law to remind her about Mother's Day then you were being insensitive and unkind. You should be ashamed of yourself expecting her to celebrate the day with you when she is grieving for her own mother.

I know, I know.

But some of the replies make it irresistible ...

I didn't see this as 'demanding' or 'ordering' them to come. Maybe the Op has worded her post a little carelessly? Surely it was an invitation?

No one can replace someone's mum, but it would be lovely if the DIL could bring herself to regard her MIL as a close family, and enjoy being with her on her special day. You'd think she would want to be supportive of her husband, being with his mum and siblings, on a family day.

'Special days' (anniversaries, birthdays etc ) are always hard when one member of the family / parent has died, but those who are still living should pull together and try to put their own grief aside- it's just for half a day.

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me

Probably not.

HTH

Yes it was an invitation, but she’s annoyed that her son has declined. People have the right to decline an invitation, otherwise it’s not an invitation, it’s an expectation.

@Daisybuttercup12345 I took the OP to mean she messaged her son and DIL together, in one text, or whatever, so her DIL felt included in the family get together, rather than only inviting her son. I think she was doing it with kindness, to make her DIL feel one of the family.

Who reminds people of mother's day?? My DM and MIL have never done so and I never mention it to mine. It would be like asking for a present and seems really rude.

We usually do something for both our mums but that's my decision each year - occasionally if busy with work nothing happens beyond a card and pressie and none of our siblings live close enough to visit them so they would not see anyone. Both mothers would be appaulled to think we felt we had to or that we should.

You should leave them to organise something for you OP and let them decide between them what, when and how many of them will attend and be glad that some do. They won't all, not every year. And that's healthy frankly.

@WaddleAway well of course she was hurt. It's easy to be very cold about it and logical, and say 'people have a right to refuse' but to be rebuffed on a day that is celebrating your role as a mum, when all the other children are coming, is understandable. No?

I think your son sounds lovely, you should be proud of him

Who reminds people of mother's day??

Mothers who are inviting their children to lunch, perhaps?

It was a 'save the date' invite.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

YABU, he isn't saying he won't acknowledge mothers day by ringing or sending you a card/gift. He lives 2 hours away, so you want him to do a 4 hour round trip for a mothers day meal? Even without his wifes mums passing he wouldn't be unreasonable for not wanting to attend.

You have 4 adult DC with their own lives and responsibilities. You have had at least 30 years worth of mothers days and will have 3 of them with you, thats pretty damn good going! Don't make your poor son feel guilty for supporting his wife.

You are not the worst. There is nothing wrong with you inviting them. A lot of the posters here are complete vipers. Just ignore them. Hopefully your son will come and spoil you another time to help make up.

It’s a 4 hour round trip (for a lunch). The son’s wife has lost her mother. I wouldn’t be hurt in those circumstances, no. Would you expect someone to drive 2 hours each way to ‘celebrate’ you?
The OP’s son would no doubt have already known it was Mother’s Day coming up. It’s hard to miss it. If he’d wanted to ‘celebrate’ her on that particular day he would no doubt have organised something himself.

And maybe he did intend to ‘celebrate’ her… with a gift, telephone call, flowers etc. Why is him driving 2 hours each way for a lunch the only acceptable way for him to celebrate his mother?

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius There are ways to be honest and also kind at the same time. Some of the post have been unnecessary mean imo rather than being helpful.