Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
diddl · 22/02/2023 20:42

It is not an issue to be finding it hard after a loss but to say your spouse shouldn't spend time with their mother because you have lost your own is unfair.

As far as we know she hasn't.

FFF3 · 22/02/2023 20:43

soso2 · 22/02/2023 20:40

It is not an issue to be finding it hard after a loss but to say your spouse shouldn't spend time with their mother because you have lost your own is unfair.

Show quote history

Yes but the thing is, she hasn’t said that! The son is merely taking her feelings into account. And good on him. Tbh I reckon he doesn’t really want to go either.

SadMadGlad · 22/02/2023 20:46

What a lovely son you have. Love that he's supporting his grieving wife. It must be such an awful time for her.

Maybe you could be more understanding.

seven201 · 22/02/2023 20:46

My mum died when I was early 30's. There is no way I'd have spent Mother's Day with my MIL for those first years. It was far too painful. I just wanted to be at home being sad. My dh wanted to be there for me. I'm still a bit fucked up by Mother's Day nearly 9 years later. Your daughter in law's grief trumps you wanting to be fussed over by your children. Just invite them to come for a meal another time not close to Mother's Day.

watcherintherye · 22/02/2023 20:46

Don’t guilt-trip your dc over Mother’s Day, for heaven’s sake! Adults who are living in their own homes with their own families and own lives can’t always prioritise a commercialised day. Be happy that he’s going to ring you, don’t make him feel bad about not being there or you risk alienating him. I’d rather see my adult dc when they want to come and see me, than have them traipse over when it’s actually inconvenient, out of a sense of duty.

HitTheRoadJackAndDontYouComeBack · 22/02/2023 20:47

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

This irritates me and I don't even know the OP! You shouldn't be reminding them
It's Mother's Day. How about asking if they would like to coke for a meal...not could they...sounds like you have it all planned out and are hard work tbh.

BertHandsome · 22/02/2023 20:48

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.
Then invite him another day? If it’s purely about the time with him then surely the day doesn’t matter?

Tryingtokeepgoing · 22/02/2023 20:49

FFF3 · 22/02/2023 20:43

Yes but the thing is, she hasn’t said that! The son is merely taking her feelings into account. And good on him. Tbh I reckon he doesn’t really want to go either.

Show quote history

Well exactly! The irony being, the OP seems to have raised an extremely thoughtful man who recognises this is a difficult time for his wife. If I was the OP I’d take that as the best Mother’s Day recognition I could get! But no, that doesn't make the day all about her, so it’s unthinkable… ;)

SerafinasGoose · 22/02/2023 20:49

UWhatNow · 22/02/2023 20:23

No but decent people make the effort. Not excuses.

Show quote history

Depends on the family.

SoosanCarter · 22/02/2023 20:49

If you were my mother, I wouldn’t want to see you on Mother’s Day. You sound like hard work.

FredPolice · 22/02/2023 20:51

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 22/02/2023 17:13

I am 70 and have DC. I do not expect anything on Mothers Day. In my opinion it is mainly for younger women who are actively bringing up children, to encourage those children to appreciate their mother's input, not for Grannies to try and hog the limelight. Have all the family over on another day and celebrate everybody.

This!

I'm not 70, but I am in my 50s and don't remotely expect my adult children (sons and daughters alike) to travel half way across the country to have lunch with me on Mothering Sunday. Maybe for a big family event, but even then it's not an expectation, and life sometimes gets in the way. I agree that it's a nice thing for young children to make a Mothers Day card for their mum, but that's it. OP, you are being beyond unreasonable.

Madamecastafiore · 22/02/2023 20:56

From someone who has to go on the bathroom and cry after receiving cards and presents from their own children YABU. It's a day to celebrate your mother, when they aren't here it's a day tinged with the utmost sadness. It's wonderful that your son is sympathetic of his wives feelings.

A lot of men are shit at contacting their relations and maybe he doesn't really want to bother anyway.

LondonJax · 22/02/2023 20:56

@Thegardenmum I think there are a couple of questions here that you've not answered yet.

  1. Are the other DCs married or with a long term partner?
  2. If so are the partners/DH/DWs coming too OR
  3. Are the partners etc going to their own mums on that day? OR
  4. Are you inviting the partners parents to your house too?

Because if the partners etc are coming, how do their mums feel about that? That they're having to spend the day with you and not with them.

If the partners are going to their mums then your DIL will either feel like a gooseberry in amongst all 'your' family (if you're anything like ours you'll be reminiscing about childhood things - which can be tough when your own memories get stirred up)

Or she will be left at home on her own - because she doesn't have a mum to visit.

And if you're doing number 4 and inviting the partners parents then that's really going to be hard for your DIL isn't it?

Your DS obviously doesn't want his wife to feel like a spare wheel at a family meal if no-one else 'not of the immediate family' is going to be there and doesn't want her left alone. A four hour drive plus the meal itself is a fair few hours to sit home alone.

And why are you hosting? Don't any of your other DCs want to give you a day off of cooking etc? We used to take our parents out or cook for them at our house on Mothers/Fathers day.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 22/02/2023 20:57

My DS’s partner’s mum died when she was 16, she’s only 25 now. I demand nothing on the day and always send her a message and flowers as I know she struggles so much on that day and visits her Mum’s grave with her younger sister. YABU and precious, you have three other children with you, don’t be selfish.

xogossipgirlxo · 22/02/2023 20:58

he is right to support his wife. My husband is always my rock when comes to some family issues etc., so I guess your son wants to be there for his wife too

Justalittlebitduckling · 22/02/2023 21:04

I sort of think it’s up to children to arrange something for Mother’s Day rather than the other way round.

WandaWonder · 22/02/2023 21:07

Op I think you need to realise adults have their own lives and sure I know some people can say I have 10 adult children and they spend every special moment with me type thing

But just because not all your children are with you on the day does not have to be an issue

And to me it is nothing to do with his partner, he doesn't have to just because either

weatherthestorms · 22/02/2023 21:10

My DM died over 10 years ago. I still struggle with Mother’s Day. If she’s not ready, she’s not.

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/02/2023 21:10

Surely you aren’t really this tone deaf OP?

Of course it’s reasonable to be disappointed, but you really do need to catch yourself on, or TBH I do not think your son son is going to regret not spending more time with you (since you ask).

Calphurnia88 · 22/02/2023 21:10

Boshi · 22/02/2023 20:15

YANBU op, it’s been 3 years since her mother died, will it be like this forever? I think they’re both being selfish

What is an appropriate timeline for grief, pray tell?

cheatingcrackers · 22/02/2023 21:15

My Mum died when I was a kid. Mother’s Day with my MIL would STILL be excruciating. Luckily my MIL is a very reasonable person and doesn’t summon us for Mother’s Day, not that we’d go if she did. Good for your son standing up for his wife. She’s his priority now, as she should be.

Panpastels · 22/02/2023 21:17

You are ridiculous.

WishyWashtsWash · 22/02/2023 21:17

Why send his wife a reminder too? Son yea as a are you and wife free on Mother's Day I have x planned?

he replies no etc etc, you reply that's ok, understandable as she's lost her mum - then leave it be and enjoy the day with the people who are able to join

LindorDoubleChoc · 22/02/2023 21:17

I'm wondering why you namechanged for this post OP. Is it because you are slightly embarrassed and think you might actually be being unreasonable?

Howdoyoulikeyoureggsinthemorning · 22/02/2023 21:18

Two things:

  1. It's really bizarre to ring all your adult children to remind them it's mothers day. Everyone knows it's mothers day. It's on calendars, for a start. It's also advertised in all the shops and on the radio, social media, etc. Even more bizarre to decide what the plan is and demand your children follow it - that's not how mothers day works. They're supposed to plan/arrange the day - IF they want to. And if they forget mothers day exists entirely, that's on them.
  1. You say your DIL isn't that great and doesn't make an effort with the family. So you clearly don't actually want her there. Why the pushing for her to attend, then? Is it more of a pride thing? So other people will know that "everyone" came to see you on mothers day?
Swipe left for the next trending thread