Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

She invited them. It is hardly summoning.

YANBU op, it’s been 3 years since her mother died, will it be like this forever? I think they’re both being selfish

Why is this noteworthy? People don't get married because they want to build a relationship with another family.

No but decent people make the effort. Not excuses.

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me

@Thegardenmum but why does that "more time" HAVE to be Mother's Day?! Why do you NEED to have all your children with you to celebrate you? When do they (either your daughters or daughters-in-law) get to be celebrated (if they are mothers)?

My DH lost his mum unexpectedly but as a result he always tells me to spend as much time with my parents as I can while they are still here, celebrate special times with them.

It’s a shame your dil can’t do the same for her husband, presumably they didn’t spend the last 3 Mother’s Day with you. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to see your dc on Mother’s Day, despite what some pps are saying 🙄

It does all sound about you, doesn’t it? What are you going to do when your children have children? Mother’s Day will not be able to revolve around you then will it?

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve spent Mother’s Day with my mother since I’ve been an adult. And I have a great relationship with her, but it’s based on mutual respect and love not a sense of duty! I still send my late husbands mother a card, though not one that’s actually a mothers Day card, because we get on well, but I wouldn’t dream of summoning her for lunch. Can you imagine how mothers day would feel if you’d lost a child? Well, I imagine that’s how your daughter in law is feeling.

Well if an invitation can’t be declined it’s sounds very much like a summons!

YABU. 30 is very young to loose your mum, I’m not surprised she is still finding it every hard, especially on special days. Are not of your other children married or have partners? Won’t they be seeing their own mums too on Mother’s Day?

Will Mother’s Day always be shit for the woman who lost her mum at age 30? Probably, yes. My grandfathers birthdays is still very difficult for me. Is that not acceptable to you?

Oh good grief - YABU

It has been declined. The son is not being forced to come. Do you know what a summons is?

Yanbu this is just shit. It’s awful her mum died but it’s been three years she’s got to move on and this sort of thing won’t be helping.

I don’t think your son should be pandering to this. For the first year or two sure but not after three years. If I was in that situation I’d expect my husband to help me get out of that slump not just go along with it forever more!

I’d wonder if more going on perhaps Mother’s Day tricky if they are ttc without success.
It would be nice if came but I wouldn’t expect it.

Every time I feel sad I don’t have a close relationship with my mother, I think, “well but I could have a mother like this so maybe I’m better off!”

I send my mum a card on Mother’s Day, sometimes flowers or a little gift (which she’ll leave in cold room and not look at “in case they go brown”, or regift!)

I would have thought you could see your beautiful son supporting his wife on Mother’s Day and be proud. But no, it’s all about you. YADBU

Oh Jesus Christ you're really doubling down on this 😳 this is tone deaf and insensitive.
All you had to do was send the message to your son - "I am having a family lunch on 19th March, would love it if you and xxx could join us". Absolutely no need to text both and no need to "remind" then it's Mother's Day.

Ps so many people on here are very selfish M. I’m a DIL and always try to keep things pretty even with mum and mil. One day my son will marry someone and karma can be a bitch.

It’s acceptable. It’s not really acceptable for every year to be about you and your loss when your husbands mother is still alive and would like to see her son.

I think it’s nice you invited them but find it weird you need to remind them it’s Mother’s Day. Couldn’t you have just invited them for a nice family dinner?
I understand you are upset but I don’t think you have a right to be annoyed at your son or his wife. I think it’s lovely that he’s looking after his wife.
He can celebrate Mother’s Day with you at another time, it doesn’t need to be that specific day. That specific day will be hard for his wife so even though you’re welcoming them over, it will still be a stark reminder of what she has lost.

Mothers' Day gestures should be voluntarily given by the child, not imposed by the mother. I send my mum a bouquet of flowers and a card on Mothers' Day. She always seems delighted. I live four hours away from her now, but when I used to live an hour away, we didn't do Mothers' Day lunches. It wouldn't have occurred to her to make such a big fuss about it tbh.

I do thanks :) The invitation has been declined, well spotted. And the OP is outraged because she doesn’t think it should have been. When it comes to being forced to attend or not the OP seems to think emotional blackmail is in order which fair enough isn’t physical force, but on a par with it. Doesn’t bode well for a grown up, adult relationship with her son or daughter in law really, does it?

I think it’s odd you have given out this invite for people to come because it’s ‘your’ day.

Surely if they want to celebrate Mother’s Day, they should be the one inviting you to lunch?

Obviously if you are the one making the effort, buying and cooking the meal and inviting them to come to yours - then it’s not a proper Mother’s Day celebration anyway and so I don’t understand why you are upset about it.

Why not just see him another day.
You are seeing your other DCs on that day anyway.

I don’t often see my mum on Mother’s Day as me and my siblings all have our own DCs.
We sometimes meet up all together for a walk and pub lunch, sometimes we do things with just our own DCs and sometimes none of us do anything to celebrate it as it’s just another day really and we meet up on a different day.

Really!!!! Take it you have never lost someone you have loved. My husband and SiL lost their mum unexpectedly 5 yrs this yr, and they still find mothers day, Her birthday, Christmas etc hard. So yes it might be 3 years but she will grieve for her mum forever. Why do you think places like moon pig send emails to people saying if you find it hard around these times we can stop sending you notifications regarding it.

OP what are you going to do when they have Children, expect them to do a 4 hr round tripfor you When it will be her day as well?
Mother and Fathers day is just a made up day by the card industry anyway, surely if you love your parents you dont need to send a card and flowers once a yr

Oh fuck off. Just because she doesn’t want to travel 4 hours to spend time with a woman who doesn’t even seem to like her and have to sit through a big fawning Mother’s Day doesn’t mean she ‘needs to move on’. You clearly have no experience losing a parent at a relative young age.

Nothing in OPs posts state the DIL is demanding the son doesn’t attend or that he is pandering to her. She doesn’t want to go and it’s his choice to support his wife.

Here’s the thing, when you lose a parent young you are absolute allowed to be ‘in a slump’ on a day like Mother’s Day, their birthday or their anniversary. Nothing suggests she isn’t able to cope the rest of the year.

It is not an issue to be finding it hard after a loss but to say your spouse shouldn't spend time with their mother because you have lost your own is unfair.