Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

[Thegardenmum]

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

You summon your adult children for Mother’s Day and expect them all to attend? That in itself is unreasonable.

As a mother of 3 I couldn't care less about mothers day, it is a commercialised waste of money, I am their mum every day and don't need a card or flowers to confirm it. I am so glad I was brought up by parents who also had this view and I have never had to deal with this bizarre behaviour.

What is becoming ever clearer, if it wasn't to start with, is that OP is having a good old laugh by pulling Mumsnet's pisser. And very successfully.

They know which buttons to press.

Mothers that put expectations on Mother’s Day are generally high maintenance and difficult. You can spend time with your children any other time in the year - and hopefully because they want to.

I'm actually shocked at the majority of posters op
I am completely with you op
I mean
Ops son's mother is alive!
Surely he should celebrate her while he can?
I'm sure his wife would want nothing other than to celebrate her mum's life.
I think the son can support his wife and his mother!

When she says it is. The answer to that question might conceivably be 'never'. And that's okay.

It's highly unfortunate that when we experience some of the most momentous losses of our lives, we learn some sharp lessons about who is really there for us and who isn't. It's not always the people you expect. But what we remember most of all, which always rankles and is never really forgotten, are those whose callous, self-centredness makes an agonizing time even more painful.

My SiL and MiL fall into the latter category. They are prioritized in my life accordingly (ie very little), as my DH and DC are prioritized in theirs. We expect nothing and are accordingly never disappointed.

The people who have always been there for DH and me during the bad times are first to be invited to share the good. Shared DNA does not give anyone that right: love, care, and behaving like family (whether blood-related or not), does.

Again this suggests there is somehow no relationship the rest of the year, and the onus is on Mother’s Day for a child to prove their love / determine the quality of the relationship. All adults can accept that circumstances might mean not getting together on Mother’s Day - and there is no reason the OP’s son can’t “celebrate her being alive” on any other day / occasion, without rubbing it in his poor wife’s face.

I would be really proud of how considerate and caring he is towards his wife.

Loads of adults cannot see their mum on Mother’s Day for many reasons, I understand being a little disappointed but really can’t understand you being ‘upset.’ You asked them to come and your son is prioritising his wife and her feelings, I would be proud of him if he was my son.

I could understand it if only a few months ago, but three years? Very selfish of her to guilt her husband into not seeing his own mum. My father died on Xmas day four years ago, but I wouldn’t expect my husband not to celebrate Xmas with his family for fear of upsetting me.

@Thegardenmum yabu. I wouldn’t want you as a DM or a MIL. You need to chill and stop ordering your family about. They have their own lives and responsibilities.

I honestly don't think I ever saw my mother on Mother's Day again after I moved out when I was 18. I do feel you're being rather controlling. Your son's an adult and his wife is the most important woman in his life now.

You needn't make much of a fuss of Mother's Day. It's hardly Christmas! A card or a phone call could suffice, surely?
I lost my mum when I was a young adult and it was tough at first. Even though you come to terms with it, celebrating someone else's mum's Mother's Day isn't easy.
I think your son sounds quite sensitive, OP.

Considering this is the culture in the UK I don't see why it can't be celebrated?
How is celebrating mum considered to be rubbing it in? If a sister or brother died for example, would it be expected to stop celebrating other people's birthdays too?
Or are only parents considered unimportant and should understand?
Obviously mum's can and should be celebrated any time, I just don't see the problem here.

My DM died years ago but if my MIL messaged us both to say she expected us there on Mothers Day I would NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN.
As it happens we do usually see her. I am ok with this now but I was not in the early years.
You have been exceptionally thoughtless, verging on cruel. Your desire to have your DC there does not outweigh what your son owes to his wife.
Get a grip and stop being so very selfish.

I think I'll be in the minority after reading the first page of replies.

But actually I do think he's BU.

If you said "my DS and his DW are alternating" I have agreed that's right.

But you are his mum and I think he'll regret not celebrating with you when he could in the long term because his DW mum has died.

Also he shouldn't really be avoiding your existence because his DW mum has died.

My own mum died. This is my first Mother's Day without her this year. But I'm absolutely NOT going to expect anyone else to put their relationship with their mum on hold because I'll find it hard. (I'm also a mum myself to my own teen ds). I wouldn't want anyone not to spend time with a parent whilst they can purely because I do understand what it's like when you can't. I wouldn't want them to miss that opportunity.

I don't disagree you've raised a goodun there taking his wife's feelings into account. I just don't agree with their actions!!!

Could you not see your son on any of the other 364 days this year? You sound really childish.

The daughter in law mum died 3 year ago. It’s in the op

Your son isn't putting your relationship on hold with you, he just doesn't want to go to the meal.
Regret it when you're dead? Maybe he will, most likely not.

The problem is the OP’s lack of understanding / compassion. No one is saying her son won’t celebrate with his mother on Mother’s Day ever again - he is just recognising the pain of this particular day for his wife at present. His mother should be proud she’s raised a son that is thoughtful - not demand his wife gets over it for her benefit. The brother/sister birthday analogy is a stretch, and would only bear some similarity if the dead sibling’s birthday was on the same day as the live sibling-in-law’s, for example.

He's an adult and putting his wife first. You sound presumptuous in your message to him - not even a question more a demand!

I think you dropped a clanger by texting your DIL to be honest, I think you should have just text your son inviting them both and then left it up to him to decide what to do with that.

I do understand it stings, but I think the fact your son is being sensitive and prioritising his wife's feelings at what is a difficult time shows you have brough him up right.

My MIL does, and for a good few years mother's day was a really really tough time for my husband, so I always opted to do something with him, and something with my mum on a different day closer to the time. It worked for everyone. Maybe suggest that to your son?

Not rt whole ft but maybe look at it this way. If you had been the one to die, would you be happy with the idea that dil's mum was putting pressure on your son to act as if it didn't matter and he should be over it? Would you not think that if he felt sad and not up for celebrating with his wife's mum, that his feelings ought to be respected.

Mother's Day is just a day. What matters is the relationship you have generally. If things are iffy, work on that. If it's generally all good, then one arbitrarily decided day is not a big deal!

I do feel for you that you have a dil who isn't interested in being part of a wider family but that's her choice and not much you can do beyond being friendly when you do see her. Not everyone feels their in laws are their family and that's fair enough.

I think your son is BU. There is a compromise here. He can spend some time with you and support his wife as well.

It is not fair to expect someone else not to spend Mother's Day with their mother because one no longer has their own. That sounds quite controlling of the DIL.

I don't really understand your point.

Maybe the wife wants him to stay or maybe she doesn't. I don't pretend to know that.

But we both agree that her grief (or his wanting to "support" her - whatever that means) shouldn't get in the way of him spending the day or part of the day with his mum.