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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
CharlotteStreetW1 · 22/02/2023 19:02

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/02/2023 18:46

Why do you keep going? Can't your husband go without you?

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I keep going because it makes my MIL happy and she's lovely and deserves the fuss and she doesn't "expect".

My circumstances are the problem, not MIL 🙂

Stickstickstickstickstick · 22/02/2023 19:02

Gosh, this could be me. Except my MIL is nice.

Blossomtoes · 22/02/2023 19:03

Cheeseandlobster · 22/02/2023 19:01

I haven't read the full thread but no matter how much I was grieving, I wouldn't stop dp seeing his own mum. That is pretty selfish. I don't have a mum so I do understand how painful mothers day is but how long is she realistically going to stop her dh from seeing his own mother?

She hasn’t. The poor woman hasn’t responded to her Mil’s text at all. Hth.

ILiveAt64ZooLane · 22/02/2023 19:04

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

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You do realise that there’s 365 days in a year and Mother’s Day is just one day. You can spend time together whenever it doesn’t have to be only Mother’s Day. I hope you haven’t guilt tripped him with “you’ll miss me when I’m dead”

feelingfree17 · 22/02/2023 19:04

What a thoughtful son you have raised to put his wife’s feelings first. She is clearly still struggling.

glittereyelash · 22/02/2023 19:05

It's a tough one. This will be my third mothers day without my mum and its one of the most difficult milestones. I'd find it very difficult going out to dinner and seeing tables of people out celebrating with their mothers. Having said that I wouldn't stop my husband from going to see his mum on the day. Do you get to see him often in general? His wife might be afraid she will get upset and spoil the day and he's supporting her.

diddl · 22/02/2023 19:06

When I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me

He probably won't regret that he spent MD with his wife when he felt she needed it.

There are countless other days he can spend with you should he choose.

JinglingSpringbells · 22/02/2023 19:07

So is the son never ever going to see his mum on mother's day as it might upset his wife?

That doesn't seem fair, really.

EyesOnThePies · 22/02/2023 19:07

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting.

So we don't actually know that the DIL has said anything at all. HE doesn't want to make a big thing as she MAY find it upsetting.

It could be that the DS simply does not want to go.

Or that neither want to go and it is not to do with the loss of her DM. Could be that they prefer to save the days they do a 4 hour drive for other occasions.

OP, how is your relationship with your Ds generally? How are relationships between the siblings?

GotABeatForYouMama · 22/02/2023 19:08

Cheeseandlobster · 22/02/2023 19:01

I haven't read the full thread but no matter how much I was grieving, I wouldn't stop dp seeing his own mum. That is pretty selfish. I don't have a mum so I do understand how painful mothers day is but how long is she realistically going to stop her dh from seeing his own mother?

Who said she had? Maybe HE decided that he would stay with his wife and SHE is telling that it's ok for him to go.

stripedsox · 22/02/2023 19:10

God I hate the guilt tripping, the crying and 'you'll be sorry when I die,' I was a stately homes child and if it hadn't been for my first dc arriving early I would have cut all contact with her.

Deut28 · 22/02/2023 19:18

After my dad died I found Father's Day really tough. It was a whole day focused on something I had lost. I always wanted to run away and hide from it. Fortunately my DP is as kind as your DS and always asked how he could support me. Three years is still quite early days.

I also think Mother's Day is mostly for those still "in the trenches" parenting young children. A card and flowers, sure, but I don't understand insisting on lots of fuss when your children are grown up and independent.

Daisybee6 · 22/02/2023 19:19

Your are bu imo

Your other three children are going to be with you

You'll have opportunities to see your ds on other days, this is just one day out of the year

It's mother's day, so not like a milestone birthday or anniversary

My personal opinion is that people make too much of a big deal of these days. I show my loved ones I love and appreciate them throughout the year, I don't need to be told to do it on a specific date.

The commercialism in shops for them gets worse every year

BlackbeardsToast · 22/02/2023 19:20

Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?...

...on this one, specific day.

Scotty12 · 22/02/2023 19:22

YABVU.

Justcallmebebes · 22/02/2023 19:24

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

It's a 4 hour round trip though. For lunch?? Mothers day or not, yabu to expect them to to this

LlynTegid · 22/02/2023 19:25

I have my doubts as to whether the DS has actually discussed this with his wife, just come to a conclusion as to what her thoughts might be. Hope I am wrong though.

pointythings · 22/02/2023 19:25

There are 365 days in a year. Sometimes there are even 366. No need to make such a huge self important deal about this one.

And yes, I have children. I don't expect to see any of them on Mothering Sunday, they have lives. As indeed do I.

aonbharr · 22/02/2023 19:30

Dacadactyl · 22/02/2023 16:58

I think with this being the first year after his MIL has died, YABU.

However, in future years I would say he IBU if he didn't come.

She did say it has been 3 years since his wife's mother died though, when does it become ok?

ComfortablyDazed · 22/02/2023 19:30

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 22/02/2023 18:05

Not denying that it can be hard. First Father's day after my dad died, we took my FIL to lunch at his favourite restaurant and then DH and I did something by ourselves in the evening to remember my dad.

By the following Father's day, my FIL had passed too and so I am very glad that DH got to spend that last Father's day with his dad and that my grief didn't restrict him.

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If only everyone was as amazing as you 🥇

I also have lost both parents, and have no issue whatsoever with my DH doing what he needs to do on Mother’s or Father’s Day (of course, it’s 20 years since I lost my Mum, so she’s just a dim and distant memory to me now, and Mother’s Day is just a day to make sure everyone else is having a lovely time being celebrated, or celebrating their mothers).

But not everyone’s as incredible as us, huh?

And pp have pointed out, none of us have the first clue what the DIL actually wants or has said.

Youreeavinalaff · 22/02/2023 19:32

I'm afraid you sound very entitled and spoiled. You have 3 adult children celebrating mother's day with you and you're feeling hard done by because one isn't coming and has explained, very reasonably, the reasons why. He's supporting his wife who is clearly struggling with the significance of the day. Why would he even leave her home alone when he knows this? It is a lot to ask someone to travel 4 hours for a lunch in any case. He sounds like a good husband. You sound completely disinterested in the DIL. My MIL has behaved like this over the years and she has only managed to push us and her grandchildren further away due to demands, sulks and bratty behaviour. Please tread carefully and respect your son's decision.

JenniferBarkley · 22/02/2023 19:32

Assume reverse, but:

At three years in YABVU more because they're two hours away than anything. Spoken as someone who lives 2.5 hours from my mum, and whose dad died two years ago. We'll see my mum but only if it's convenient. It's a long distance to fit in when life is busy.

ShortDaysLongNights · 22/02/2023 19:32

I appreciate that Mother's Day might be very important to you, but you have to appreciate that your daughter in law is still very upset about the loss of her mum and would appreciate your son's support on that day. Could your son not take you out another day and you get some one to one time?

rocksonrocks · 22/02/2023 19:33

Oh you are awful! You know he’s an adult who’s married now so in most senses you will come second to his wife? That’s what a marriage is?

I feel really sorry for your daughter in law having to put up with you if this is how you view yourself in their lives. Totally selfish, uncompromising and lacking in empathy.

niugboo · 22/02/2023 19:34

Wow you are so unreasonable it’s untrue. Her mum is dead. Leave them alone. See him another day.