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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
CharlotteStreetW1 · 22/02/2023 18:43

My mum died just before I got married and I haven't been able to have children so am not a mother myself. I'm mostly fine but Mothers' Day feels like my nose is being rubbed in it.

This will be the 24th "meaningless" (to me) Mothers' Day I've had to endure with MIL and SIL and I fucking hate it every year. Sorry - 23rd - 2020 gave me a year off and it was bliss!

Have a heart OP and leave them be.

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/02/2023 18:43

I'm going to be unpopular, but after 3 years I think, whilst she will miss her mum forever, they need to start being able to celebrate with you guys.

If she is too upset to, which I get, then surely he can still come? He's there for her every other day of the year.

Nothing is going to bring her mum back. But you are still living.

Unfortunately I think it's common for wife's family to be considered much more than the husband's. I think, if the situation was reversed and you had died, that the chances are she'd still celebrate with her mum.

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/02/2023 18:46

CharlotteStreetW1 · 22/02/2023 18:43

My mum died just before I got married and I haven't been able to have children so am not a mother myself. I'm mostly fine but Mothers' Day feels like my nose is being rubbed in it.

This will be the 24th "meaningless" (to me) Mothers' Day I've had to endure with MIL and SIL and I fucking hate it every year. Sorry - 23rd - 2020 gave me a year off and it was bliss!

Have a heart OP and leave them be.

Why do you keep going? Can't your husband go without you?

GinUnicorn · 22/02/2023 18:46

OP does Mother’s Day really matter that much? Surely the most important thing is a good relationship with your son and his wife. This might be a hard day for her so just be understanding and welcome them another time. Soon your children might have babies and Mother’s Day will become all about them.

User963 · 22/02/2023 18:48

PictureNotPerfect · 22/02/2023 16:53

I think if you literally did what you said and sent them a reminder that’s it’s Mother’s Day and in effect summoned them to your house then that’s quite self absorbed. It’s up to them to choose to mark the day for you, not for you to demand. Also it was quite thoughtless given your daughter-in-law has lost her DM so it’s bound to be painful for her. YABU

This. It would annoy me no end if my mum or MIL rung me up and said they were expecting me to turn up for Mother’s Day.

TheGander · 22/02/2023 18:48

Sorry for your loss @CharlotteStreetW1 . Be kind to yourself on the next M.D. , better still, bale out of going to MILs if you can at all.

Moveoverdarlin · 22/02/2023 18:49

You probably didn’t need to remind them both it was Mother’s Day, your DIL has probably been dreading it since the day her Mother died. I totally understand them for not coming.

Maireas · 22/02/2023 18:51

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/02/2023 18:32

Maybe the OP needs to take lessons in empathy

Show quote history

Indeed. #BeKind to the daughter in law.

OoooohMatron · 22/02/2023 18:52

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

Show quote history

I doubt it with your attitude.

ItchyBillco · 22/02/2023 18:53

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

You messaged her, whose own mother died a few years ago, to remind her it was Mother’s Day?

Ok, becoming clearer why they’re not coming…

Skyeheather · 22/02/2023 18:53

If I was your DIL I would send DH on his own. It's Mother's Day and of course a son should visit his DM on the day if he can.

I would stay at home and do something to remember my own DM and I would hope that you would understand that I couldn't attend.

It's been three years since her DM passed away, is your son never to see his DM on Mother's Day because his DW has lost her DM?

Zippidydoda · 22/02/2023 18:54

This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

^ I hate emotionally manipulative shit like this. There’s a particular type of self involved mother who says things like this. He’s choosing to stay and spend the day with his wife. Chill out and arrange to see them another day. You’ve got your other children coming, enjoy the day with them.

Harrysmummy246 · 22/02/2023 18:54

My husband is going off to see mates for that weekend. I had to point out to him, and thus to the others in the group it is mother's day. Doesn't mean I'm kicking up a fuss. I may see my parents that weekend with ds, I may not. Probably the following weekend when my sister is up as it's closer to DM birthday
It's a day, and a very over commercialised one at that. Don't use that as emotional blackmail

AspiringMermaid · 22/02/2023 18:55

My mum died over 10 years ago, and you are so so so unreasonable. Good on your son, that's how my hubby would treat me

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 18:55

Harsh, but just because your DIL lost her mum doesn't mean Mother's Day stops for everyone else. I've lost my dad but I still encourage DH to mark Father's Day, get a card, we visit etc and would hate him to think he couldn't because of me.

Where I don't agree with you is where you said that once you're dead he'll wish he spent more time with you. That's complete emotional manipulation.

AdviceOnLife · 22/02/2023 18:55

I'm a mother 365 days of the year, one day is no more special just because the card company has decided this day will be the day we all celebrate mothers.
I would be so proud of my son supporting his wife through a really hard day. That to me would make me know I was a good mum rather than a card to be honest.
Anytime my grown children choose to come to visit me will be special for me regardless of if it is technically an occasion.
The more you push about this, the further you will push your son away. He has a wife and it's okay she is now his number one. He still loves and appreciates you, just right now his wife needs him more on that day.

Bunnycat101 · 22/02/2023 18:56

So sound like an absolute loon and you will push him away. One of my colleagues lost her mum recently and her mil is moaning that she has not had as many visits and that they didn’t go to some important family event. The reason they didn’t go was they were burying her mum. Don’t be that person.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 22/02/2023 18:57

‘She’?
Fucking hell.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/02/2023 18:58

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

Show quote history

When I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me

And there we have it. It is a very short step from this to "You'll be sorry when I'm dead" which sounds very guilt-inducing and manipulative. Hmm

pilates · 22/02/2023 18:58

Op, it sounded more like an order rather than an invite so yes YABU.

Pardon44 · 22/02/2023 18:59

My MIL died 3 years ago. We see my mum on the Saturday and my kids also give me a card. We go to the cemetery on Sunday and spend the day with his dad. I would prefer to support my husband and his family in their grief on Mother's day.

Maybe arrange a family dinner on another day. Mother's day isn't a happy day for everyone. For some it's incredibly painful. They think about their lost Mother's or lost children.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 22/02/2023 19:01

It isn’t all about you op. DS’s desire to support his wife on a day that they feel will be difficult for her is admirable.

Perhaps if they felt more confident that you would understand and respect that, they would be more willing to come.

Cheeseandlobster · 22/02/2023 19:01

I haven't read the full thread but no matter how much I was grieving, I wouldn't stop dp seeing his own mum. That is pretty selfish. I don't have a mum so I do understand how painful mothers day is but how long is she realistically going to stop her dh from seeing his own mother?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 22/02/2023 19:02

You've raised a wonderful man. He is putting his concern for his wife's feelings front and centre and what's more, he's being honest about it. Be very proud of the job you have done, and proud of the man he has become 💐

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/02/2023 19:02

Wow... you're a fucking treat aintcha?!

My mothers been dead 15 years - Mothers Day still reminds me that a/ I havent got a Mum and b/ she was for the most part a fucking horrible excuse for a parent who was never capable of being the mother I wanted her to be, or meeting a basic standard of parenting most folk would find acceptable...

It isn't my funnest day.

Maybe when you kark it your son will be relieved he doesn't have to field your stroppy reminders or apologise to his wife about his insensitive mother!

You could have simply invited them for dinner and said 'but I understand if you can't make it'. But no you have to REMIND them BOTH that this is YOUR DAY... and you expect them to trek to yours to celebrate it no matter how upsetting that is for someone else.

I really really hope you're a troll or that this is a reverse.

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