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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son won’t visit on Mothers Day

714 replies

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 16:38

Son lives with wife 2 hours away. Son is 30, she is 33.

His wifes mum died 3 years ago.

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal on mothers day with my other 3 x adult DC.

Son messaged me privately and said he doesn’t want to make a big thing of mothers day as his wife may find the day upsetting. He doesn’t want to leave her home alone either. He will ring on the day, but not come down for celebration.

AIBU to be annoyed? Obviously sad that his wifes mum has died but why is he now not seeing his own mum?

OP posts:
keepcalm11 · 22/02/2023 18:25

Sorry OP but YABU and sound a bit ridiculous. If your adult DC want to see you on 'Mothers Day' it's up to them to initiate this not for you to summons them.

Musicsoundsbetter22 · 22/02/2023 18:25

Not sure why some posters feel like of course it’s the daughter in law guilt tripping her husband into not going. It sounds more like he chose not to go to support his wife. It’s not just round the corner.

Three years is no time and probably through lockdowns etc it was hardly a normal grieving period either.

Also with some of her replies the MIL doesn’t exactly sound like an empathetic lovely lady. Just arrange a catch up another week.

RumandSpinach · 22/02/2023 18:26

Bloody hell. Imagine having three kids visit you on mother's day and still being pissed off you don't get the full set.

Ponderingwindow · 22/02/2023 18:27

It is not wrong to invite them. It is wrong to be annoyed that they declined.

there are plenty of other days to have a visit.

Autumnflakes · 22/02/2023 18:27

You sound very much like my self absorbed MIL. Until recently we would be summoned over to hers. She’s tantrum if we said no (quite often have valid reasons) but funny enough her general attitude and being so demanding means we don’t really want to spend any time with her.

Im now pregnant and her self absorbed behaviour has now gone up 10x more. I’ve now gone NC with her and my DP agrees so naturally she’s punishing him but cutting him off.

Our life has got 100x better now we don’t have her dominating our time. Your son isn’t a toddler, you can’t make him do anything and why would you essentially force him instead of knowing your two other children are there of their own free will?!

Guis · 22/02/2023 18:28

There are ways of inviting people. Reminding them it is mothers day and by the way could they come for lunch with your other 3 adult children.

Not really an invite. More of a matter of fact this is fine and expected.
Adult children should plan ahead, agree then speak to mum about it. It could be take you out, cook for you etc. You have stolen their thunder somewhat.

A shame they cannot just pop round, with flowers and so on but doing so will involve a full kit and caboodle meal for hours.

Some families that is fine. Some overwhelming.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/02/2023 18:28

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2023 18:15

Rude!

When do you think it would be ok to invite them on Mother's Day?

Show quote history

She reminded them. She's lost her pissing mum. If anyone is rude it is the op. Jesus Christ. Ever likely MILs receive hate if what the op expects is ok

Pleasecreateausername13 · 22/02/2023 18:29

Don’t think the OP will be back. She’s rightly so had her arse handed to her.

fastandthecurious1 · 22/02/2023 18:29

My mother has away just over a year ago and I lost my dad 8 months before her.... so I get it... I have bailed on some of my DH family dinners and get togethers because it's been too much for me and quite frankly I sometimes get bitter and jealous that I can't have my loved ones. Other times we have a lovely time and I imagine it will be that way for years to come.

However even the first Mother's Day without my mum I sent my DH round with gifts etc and would never of wanted him to miss it as I know how hard it is without your mum so he needs to take all the chances he can.... she was lovely and sent me back a beautiful plant just to say she was thinking of me.

Maybe that's an idea for you? Get her a little something but she should be encouraging your son to see you if she really loved him it's not about her only on that day

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/02/2023 18:29

idontevenknowanyonecalledblurb · 22/02/2023 18:06

@SchoolQuestionnaire I understand he's supporting her - it just seems that making him feel guilty about seeing his mum on a special day and celebrating with his siblings because she misses her mum and wishes she could do that doesn't make sense. Losing parents is hard and if you still have them you should make the most of it.

Why do you think that she’s making him feel guilty? We have no idea what op’s dil thinks as she hasn’t said anything. All that we know is her dh is choosing to spend the day with her because he knows things are difficult for her. It says a lot that so many people are immediately jumping to the conclusion that the wife is stopping him doing things when it’s far more likely that he’s taking the initiative himself because he knows she’s hurting and it will be a painful day.

Losing parents is hard and if you still have them you should make the most of it.

I know, I’ve lost both of mine. I won’t be seeing my dmil on Mother’s Day but we host dpil all the time. Christmas, Easter, Birthday’s. Why should I have to put on a brave face and celebrate this particular day? Thankfully my dmil understands. She lost her own dm a couple of years ago so she hasn’t been up for celebrating it either recently.

TheHouseElf · 22/02/2023 18:31

Pleasecreateausername13 · 22/02/2023 18:29

Don’t think the OP will be back. She’s rightly so had her arse handed to her.

Yeah let's #BeKind everyone - except to the OP hey

Mygirlruby · 22/02/2023 18:32

I love my three adult children dearly and have great relationships with them and their partners, but I would NEVER lay a guilt trip at their doors to come and see me on Mother's day, Birthday, Christmas etc. If they can come that's lovely, if not then I'll see them another day. Do your other DC have partners and if they do why are they all coming to you, what about the other mothers? If your DS wife's mum was still alive, would you be sulking about them going to hers instead? YABVU

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/02/2023 18:32

TheHouseElf · 22/02/2023 18:31

Yeah let's #BeKind everyone - except to the OP hey

Show quote history

Maybe the OP needs to take lessons in empathy

PuzzledObserver · 22/02/2023 18:33

On the day your son got married, his wife became his next of kin, and his top priority.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. But he is putting her needs first. As he should.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2023 18:34

@TheHouseElf - I actually think it would be unkind if we were not honest with @Thegardenmum. I don’t think people have generally been nasty or mean, but we have been honest.

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/02/2023 18:35

fastandthecurious1 · 22/02/2023 18:29

My mother has away just over a year ago and I lost my dad 8 months before her.... so I get it... I have bailed on some of my DH family dinners and get togethers because it's been too much for me and quite frankly I sometimes get bitter and jealous that I can't have my loved ones. Other times we have a lovely time and I imagine it will be that way for years to come.

However even the first Mother's Day without my mum I sent my DH round with gifts etc and would never of wanted him to miss it as I know how hard it is without your mum so he needs to take all the chances he can.... she was lovely and sent me back a beautiful plant just to say she was thinking of me.

Maybe that's an idea for you? Get her a little something but she should be encouraging your son to see you if she really loved him it's not about her only on that day

It's a 4 hour round trip. OP's son lives over 2 hours away. Not pop round for a quick 5 mins distance.

housemaus · 22/02/2023 18:36

I sent a message to them both reminding them it is mothers day soon and could they come for a family meal

Why on earth did you include her in this message when you must know it'll be a sore subject? Either you're self absorbed or thoughtless. Maybe both.

My MIL died a few years ago. Mother's day is the hardest day of the year for my DH - more so than her birthday, because he has to see stuff about mums everywhere in the lead up/on the day, and it's a constant reminder of her not being here.

My mum absolutely wouldn't expect DH to join me for any mother's day plans I had with my mum because she knows that it's a hard day for him.

As it is my lovely mum thinks mother's day is Hallmark nonsense (and she's not technically wrong!) so we don't do much anyway - sometimes I take her flowers.

Maybe consider how lucky you are that your son has his mother year round, and give them (and DIL especially) some slack on a day that highlights loss for people who don't.

viques · 22/02/2023 18:37

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:10

She is pleasant enough is person but doesn’t seem to make much effort with our family, I think she is just interested in her relationship with my son to be honest

Which is fair enough, he is the one she married.

Mainlinethehappy · 22/02/2023 18:37

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:16

Thank you!! This is exactly my point….when I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me.

Show quote history

Good Lord. “When I die one day, will my son not wish he had spent more time with me”? Passive aggressive much? It’s just a Mother’s Day - why do you feel the need to expect your children to visit, like some queen bee? If they don’t want to, they don’t want to - you need to digest that and move on, surely, otherwise where does it stop? You’ll be indignant, sad and petulant all the time!
I’m not expecting anything from my DC; I’d hate that forced-guilt dynamic to rot our relationship. Be there for when he needs you - that’s the way it should be.

Partyandbullshit · 22/02/2023 18:39

Thegardenmum · 22/02/2023 17:25

I reminded them both it was mothers day soon, so they knew why I invited them on this particular day. Surely I am welcoming her into our family by inviting them both to spend mothers day with me?

Oh. My. God.

Can you hear yourself?!

In your next post you say you invited your "pleasant enough" DIL so as not to exclude her. So, not because you want to welcome her into the bosom of your family, especially as she's lost her own mother. But because you don't want to exclude her. And because you think she's only interested in your son - so you know they come as a package.

Can you not demonstrate a little bit of tact and invite your son to spend one of your last remaining days on earth (sheesh) on a day that's NOT mother's day? You have your other children visiting that day. Why do you need the full complement? Or rather, why is your desire to have yet another mother's day commemorated by ALL of your children more important that your DIL's wish to quietly mourn hers by not having the day rubbed in her face?

And what's the big deal about mother's day anyway? Don't you feel validated enough as a mother, seeing as you have FOUR ADULT children? Perhaps they need to have a reason to visit you....

Finally, not up to you AT ALL to judge whether your DIL should be "over" the death of her mother. Something tells me you'd wish to be commemorated on every mother's day of your DCs' lives, dead or alive.

Unbelievable.

TheGander · 22/02/2023 18:39

I lost my mum when I was 27 and I have to say I struggled with Mother’s Day for a while, plus the fact that my mum would never see her grandchildren whereas my MIL could ( but wasn’t hugely interested). Not nice to say, but I struggled with the fact that she was alive whereas my lovely mum was dead. So I think your son is being considerate.

InsertMoniker · 22/02/2023 18:40

Even without the wife’s mums being sadly gone expecting someone to do four hours round trip because it’s Mother’s Day is selfish

This. My daughter lives a similar distance and a couple of times called me and said she planned to do the round trip on MD. I've made it clear to her that it's a lovely thought and I'd love to see her, and she's a kind considerate daughter of whom I'm very proud - but it's really shit doing that amount of driving on a Sunday, especially when she has to be up for work at 6am Monday, and not to think I'd be hurt or upset if she didn't.
So she didn't, and I really didn't mind. We don't guilt trip each other.

NeedSomeSpace · 22/02/2023 18:40

Your son isn't saying he doesn't want to see you, he's saying that a big ol' family meal on Mothering Sunday doesn't work for him.

If you want to have everyone available at a celebration, then you do need to speak to the key people in advance to ensure that what you're planning works for everyone. Sending an invite for an emotionally loaded date is always risky especially when your DIL has lost her mum. Personally, I'd apologise profusely for the insensitivity look forward to spending time with them on another weekend.

rothbury · 22/02/2023 18:40

Is this a reverse?

Starseeed · 22/02/2023 18:41

RampantIvy · 22/02/2023 17:34

So why did you not text him on his own and say 'I'd love to see you on Mother's Day this year as your siblings are also coming round, but I know it might be hard for Wife', instead of sending them both a summons that they had to come?

Yes, this would have been a much better idea.

Op, I wouldn't be too upset about a Hallmark Celebration.

Mothering Sunday isn’t a Hallmark celebration @CountryParsonPetal. It is on the fourth Sunday in Lent and is was a day when children, mainly daughters, who had gone to work as domestic servants were given a day off to visit their mother and family. Mother’s Day is an American invention and is in May.

It actually has nothing to do with mothers or families at all - it’s about visiting the ‘mother church’:

Held on the fourth Sunday in Lent, exactly three weeks before Easter Sunday, it was a originally a day to honour and give thanks to the Virgin Mary, also known as Mother Mary. Such celebrations required people to visit their 'mother' church - the main church or cathedral in a family's area.