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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my dog, not our dog

290 replies

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:18

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

OP posts:
Chesneyhawkes1 · 22/02/2023 17:26

YANBU he is your dog.

We have 3 dogs, they are my dogs. If we ever split they would all stay with me, but the dogs pre-date my marriage 😂

SeriouslyLTB · 22/02/2023 17:29

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:39

I don’t pay her to look after him, no. She enjoys it, and hasn’t asked for payment. If she had a dog, I would certainly be very happy to look after him for her too. It would be quite weird to ask for payment, don’t you think?

Yes, I do think it would be weird, but then I think I’d be okay with her calling it “our” dog if she looks after it for free, regularly, and she’s your wife.

But that’s just me. shrug

I don’t think it’s necessarily weird you live apart, but I do think it’s weird you don’t want to share.

Porkandbeans1 · 22/02/2023 17:29

Well if it's your dog then maybe you should pay for her to look after it when you're away.

lovemypuppa · 22/02/2023 17:37

Ignore the negativity on this thread OP-if a English is not your first language you've explained the situation very well. Your decision to live apart from your wife has nothing to do with this, nor should anyone judge. FWIW I would consider the dog as 'your dog'.

unsync · 22/02/2023 17:42

You are his human though, which as dog people know is what really matters. 😊

butterfliedtwo · 22/02/2023 17:47

Bieder · 22/02/2023 17:00

Some people need their own space. You can still be close to someone and spend time together even if you live separately.

Agree.

I'd say he's your dog, but have a chat with her and try to figure out why it makes you anxious. Good luck.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 18:28

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
onaniert · 22/02/2023 18:30

Are you worried about the custody battle in the event of a divorce?
Making sure your wife knows that the dog is yours and will be staying with you?

Branleuse · 22/02/2023 18:34

The 95% of the time you spend with the dog, is your wife just in her own house.
What difference does it make if she wants to think of it as partly her dog if she takes care of him whenever you need her to. Shes your wife and she dotes on the dog. Wtf is wrong with you?

MsRead · 22/02/2023 18:42

Have to agree that the dog belongs to you, op.

DH and I chose a dog each 13/ 14 years ago and had totally different approaches to raising the dogs. Mine was a 1 year old rescue Springer, terrified of everything because he’d been bought by two rich teens who thought they were in love, who dressed him up, bought designer gear for him and when he became large, boisterous and chewed her shoe collection they dumped him under the house or in a revolting kennel, he required full training, lots of gentle handling and love poured into him and to learn that the dark isn’t scary and how to behave in a home. I lost him in November at aged 14 he was very much my dog. He liked DH but he chose to spend most of his time sat in close proximity to me.

DH’s Boxer was an 8 week old puppy when DH brought her home and I wasn’t allowed to train her or even raise an eyebrow at her behaviour, ( my spaniel was brilliant with her and it brought him out of his shell) DH let her run riot and only now at 13 is she calmer but most of my friends don’t like her and I was so embarrassed by his indulgence and lack of training, I refused to be seen out in public with her ( love her obviously but she is an overindulged large dog and it is entirely DH’s fault. DH had some lengthy hospital stays and I was able to instil some training while he was away so she now largely responds to my commands but just blows canine raspberries at DH, but she favours DH and is very much his dog).

We very much had our own dogs with our own approach to manners and training. The person who pours the training and love into a dog is the owner, sure the op has a wife who supports with the dog but as he has done the hard yard, he is the owner.

journeyofinsanity · 22/02/2023 18:47

katmarie · 22/02/2023 15:32

You are married. Everything each of you owns is owned jointly. Including the dog.

Really? Clothes? Hobbies? Friends? Everything? That's fucking weird.

Johnisafckface · 22/02/2023 18:50

smileladiesplease · 22/02/2023 15:29

I simply have no idea what you are on about op

Your set up bizarre. I want the dog to post I bet he has some thoughts on this

OMG 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Please let the dog have a say 😂

I see where both of you are coming from, but I think it's great she considers the dog her dog as well. THat would warm my heart. My ex was never fond of my dogs like that, so I guess I see it sweet that altho she doesn't take care of the dog most of the time she still loves him enough to claim him too.

I'm more curious about this married living separately setup 😂

WoofWoofBeachLife · 22/02/2023 18:55

Chickenly · 22/02/2023 15:30

In our house (because we live together), she’s my dog when she’s being gorgeous, our dog most of the time and his dog when she opens the fridge and eats the whole contents or turns the hob on 😂

Same here haha, we have 4, and the two youngest are mine when good and your bloody dog when they are naughty 🤣
I do the majority of the care and all the training but they are our dogs.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 22/02/2023 19:13

Joking aside, a dog has one master and that's you. You both bring different things to his life but essentially he's your boy. Your wife brings love care and fun too he's a lucky boy to have you both. Xx 🐕

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 19:38

Such a sweet response - thank you!

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 22/02/2023 20:29

Sorry am I missing something what a weird marriage if you can even call it that. There's big issuses and it ain't the poor dog

RuthW · 22/02/2023 20:43

I live in a separated house to to my partner. We have three dogs. They live at his house.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2023 21:40

In our life together, DH and I have had 'our dog', 'his dog', 'her dog' at different times. But they were still all 'our dogs'.

Our current dog, although 'ours', is much more attached to DH than he is to me. They've 'bonded'. He's 'ours but his'. Our dog before that was much more attached to me than DH. We 'bonded'. She was 'ours but mine'. Some dogs tend to do that. They love all their family but there can be one 'special' person. I think the difference is that we have no 'jealousy' or 'insecurity' over it whereas you do. That's something I think you need to work on.

KarmaStar · 22/02/2023 21:41

Yabu for referring to your dog as an " it " 🐕🐾🐾😀

smileladiesplease · 22/02/2023 22:54

Why do you live apart?

StarDolphins · 22/02/2023 23:05

my dream in life is that all dogs get this much love! It’s nothing short of what they deserve!

I have no advice but I hope he realises how lucky he is!

why don’t you say to her “he is my dog but if I shuffle off before you, he can then be your dog”….like doggy inheritance!

Dibbydoos · 23/02/2023 00:30

Speaking from a mother earth perspective, dogs don't belong to humans they, and we, are part of a pack.

The dog maps to you, so you are his. He likes your wife's treats etc, so he can map to her, but you are his main pack leader.

Point is that unless you are splitting up, referring to the dog as our or yours is immaterial.

SineadT213 · 23/02/2023 00:33

For an easy life just say our dog. What does it matter? I think if it’s still getting your back up there’s other issues you need to address. Good luck x

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 23/02/2023 00:34

I think he’s a shared possession as you are married

BabyOnBoard90 · 23/02/2023 00:37

YABU. You're married, thus things are jointly owned.

Don't believe me? Try a divorce