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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my dog, not our dog

290 replies

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:18

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:24

What an interesting (and troubling) suggestion. I hadn’t heard of Gottman but looking him up now. Thank you for responding!

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 22/02/2023 16:25

DumpedByText · 22/02/2023 15:44

If this is all you've got to worry about you're doing OK! Get a grip and stop being so pedantic 🙄

How do you know he doesn't have any other problems? Because he didn't tell us?

Windfalls777 · 22/02/2023 16:25

Which one of you needed the green card?

FartSock5000 · 22/02/2023 16:26

You bought the animal during the marriage so he is marital property and your wife has a legal claim to him.

Dogs are property under the eyes of the law. You'd need to negotiate him as part of your financial settlement in the case of divorce as well.

In your shoes, i'd register his chip to a trusted family member, put all the vet and insurance info under that family members name and tell the wife he is now theirs but you'll have him sometimes.

Then he is someone else's property (gifted) and if you divorce, he's not a marital asset anymore nor would she have a legitimate claim as he was 'gifted' away before any legal proceedings.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 22/02/2023 16:29

katmarie · 22/02/2023 15:32

You are married. Everything each of you owns is owned jointly. Including the dog.

A dog is not a thing to own. It’s a sentient being.

I understand where you’re coming from OP. Some have a special bond with theirdog.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/02/2023 16:32

In your shoes, i'd register his chip to a trusted family member, put all the vet and insurance info under that family members name and tell the wife he is now theirs but you'll have him sometimes.

That sounds like an extreme overreaction to the situation the OP has described.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/02/2023 16:38

Could you stand 100 metres apart and get someone to hold the dog in the middle and see who it runs to?

Do not try and cheat by stuffing your pockets with sausages.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:39

Thank you. I think language plays a big part - it really isn’t about property as much as maybe too jealousy guarding something I’m irrationally afraid of losing. Definitely a lot of food for thought and something I’ll try to explain to my wife.

OP posts:
Pirrin · 22/02/2023 16:42

It sounds like your dog is something you wanted, put in the effort to do properly, train etc, and now it's like she's muscling in on the action without there being any discussion. I can follow the logic of why that would be annoying, except for the fact in an otherwise happy marriage I don't think it would be annoying. So there must be more going on.

Do you feel the need to ring-fence yours vs hers generally? Is she lazy and has a habit of taking credit/joining in without putting in any work? Are you competitive against esch other rather than pulling together as a team. Obviously the living the togther thing iant the point of the post, but are the reasons why you arent playing into the state of play?The pp who mentioned more of a sibling vibe to your relationship made a good point, it does sound a bit like that.

MidgeHardcastle · 22/02/2023 16:42

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/02/2023 16:38

Could you stand 100 metres apart and get someone to hold the dog in the middle and see who it runs to?

Do not try and cheat by stuffing your pockets with sausages.

🤣

Dartmoorcheffy · 22/02/2023 16:42

Why do you live separately? It's a strange way to have a marriage.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2023 16:52

Was it your idea to live separately? You seem anxious about the dogs whilst not addressing the elephant in the room. For most people, marriage about togetherness, which neither of you are doing much of by living alone. Maybe your wife is trying to connect with you. Logically, you’d get to keep the dogs in a divorce. However, it isn’t helpful when in a way, you’re not really in the door let alone one foot in / out.

BarbedButterfly · 22/02/2023 16:52

Your dog having a close loving relationship with your wife doesn't lessen your bond with it. Animals can be fickle. I adored my last cat for example but her one true love was the postman.

The only thing I would say is that you seem very focused on training and it reminds me of someone I knew. Keep up training but don't be afraid to have fun with the dog too and relax a little sometimes. It's a pet at the end of the day, not a service animal. A friends dog knows it can go on the sofa at her mums but not at home. Just saying that as you are worried the dog likes her more, maybe do some of what she does too?

Hotvimto3 · 22/02/2023 16:54

Are you 5?

Wexone · 22/02/2023 16:56

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs that's how it is in my house :) Three dogs and when himself comes home you swear God was after arriving. One in particular will not do anything for me when he is there.
In our house we class them as our dogs - however its a running joke that the male is his dog as he adores him and the females love me :) Also when they piss and crap its my dog to clean up after. I do like 75 per cent of the work with them however they are our dogs

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:56

Yes to a lot of that. But she’s very hard-working, smart and responsible. I am the one with the intimacy issues and fear of commitment (also with a long-standing fear of having other rely on me) but I’ve worked hard on understanding that and building better relationships. Getting married was a big deal - the best way for me to tell her that this is the relationship I want for the rest of my life. Getting the dog is also a huge commitment for me and both have been really positive and good decisions that I’m very happy I made (and was able to make). That dog gives me so much joy everyday - I adore him - and my wife is my favourite person to spend time with - I love and appreciate her very much.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 22/02/2023 16:57

So what about your house in the countryside. Yours or hers.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:57

Thank you for this great response - very good advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 17:00

Some people need their own space. You can still be close to someone and spend time together even if you live separately.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 17:01

I couldn't be married to someone like you op, it must be hard work dealing with how your mind works.

tootiredtospeak · 22/02/2023 17:02

I get that but if your married you share assets which was my point. You seeing things as yours seems to suggest you desire things to be seperate and clear cut and not together and shared. I wouldn't be okay with that its transactional and suggests you dont see her as an equal in terms of the dog.

oviraptor21 · 22/02/2023 17:05

Yes, the dog is clearly yours.
If you bought a bike that was kept at your place and you maintained it and used it regularly but she very occasionally borrowed it, no one would suggest that it wasn't solely yours, just because you're married.

Cornelious2011 · 22/02/2023 17:09

Yes the dog is yours. If you divorced I'd doubt she'd get a look in.

People are allowed to have things that are theirs alone, even in a marriage- my car (he has his own), my bike (he has his own) , my clothes (he has his own) etc etc.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/02/2023 17:09

Is your name Charles?

tootiredtospeak · 22/02/2023 17:11

Do you often ask a partner to look after your car or bike when your away.