It’s my dog, not our dog

[Bieder]

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

I like your reflection here, I think it's great that it seems you are actually looking for outside opinions rather than just validation of your own which can often occur on these types of things. I hope you find your peace with the situation 🙂

I like your reflection here, I think it's great that it seems you are actually looking for outside opinions rather than just validation of your own which can often occur on these types of things. I hope you find your peace with the situation 🙂

She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog.

You don’t even share a home though. Sounds very much like a dating relationship so why would the dog be shared when you don’t even live in the same house?

Id say ur kinda being unreasonable but kinda not in some ways I guess 🤷‍♀️. Yes it's your dog you bought it, trained it and have it most of the time but considering how you don't pay for care while away then at that times it is also her dog. So she has reason to say "our dog" also your married and most people that get married what to share everything together but considering how the not living together thing is a big bit in your post. I'd say you like to live separate lives mostly so that is probably why it makes you anxious when she says it. maybe its more you are not use to things being jointly owned. You should probably talk about it although every marriage is different and maybe you get on better in different houses.

1. Who made the rules on how a marriage should look - every single person and relationship is different. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't a good idea for them.

1. Not everyone wants kids, that's fine.

1. They do exist as people outside of their relationship you know. Not everyone basis their entire identity on their relationship with another person.

They clearly want to be together for the long run otherwise they wouldn't have got married.

Why are you even getting irate and bent out of shape about it? It literally has no effect on your life. Just chill out and get on with something else.

If you adopted a child would it be both you child if you split up or only the child of who they lived with most of the time ? Any animal that arrived when the marriage was together means the animal belongs to both like children there part of your family

You are so not being unreasonable. Never ever allow her to think your dog is jointly owned. Never allow her to pay for anything for your dog so she has no legal claim. My own parents had an expensive custody battle over the dog. Dogs are important, much more important than keeping your wife happy.

He's your dog, but share nicely

They didn't get the dog together. They don't both have a legal responsibility for the dog. It's entirely different.

If one of them chose to adopt a child to live with them the child would remain with the adopter. They wouldn't adopt a child together with their current living arrangement.

YTA. I have been with my husband for 12 years. We bought each other dogs. I bought him a chocolate Labrador and he got me a Shiba-Inu. I paid for their professional training and I pay the vet appointments each year. If we split up, we know the labrador is his and the shiba is mine, but while we are together they are both of ours equally. Just because I pay for his dog and spend more time with her doesn't mean it's my dog! Do you even love your wife? You seem too concerned with "mine mine mine." Get her her own dog then, and pay her for babysitting YOUR dog each time you are out of town at pet sitter rates. Let me guess, you don't pay her to watch the dog do you? Let the dog be both of yours until you divorce.

Technically he is a marital asset like any houses. In marriage everything is joint.
that’s why you are married

else you live alone and everything that is yours is yours

I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread, but I think it depends on the set up you have

My husband and I live together. We have lived together for 20 years and married for 16. We share everything! I occasionally take this too far and eat 'his' chocolate! ;) But on our wedding day we kind of agreed 'whats mine is yours' and vice versa! (though I do think he whispered in my ear 'except chocolate' when we made that agreement!) But generally, something like a dog would be shared.

However, you seem to have a different set up. You don't share the same home, so maybe that also means you don't share other things. Are you and your wife both clear on what is shared in your marriage? Do you have other things you share?

I think in many marriages a dog would be considered shared, but only you and your wife know in this case. Can you just have a good chat about it? I guess she loves the dog and thought he/she was her dog too. Maybe there wasn't enough clarity when you got the dog.

Actually having been through the custody of a dog - it’s a joint asset in the eyes of a court regardless of who bought it

You sound like a petulant child throwing a tantrum. "But that's mine!! Waaaa" just go cry me a river, blubber tooth tiger. You should get divorced. You don't even sound like you like your wife. Who tf marries but lives literal separate lives when freaking married?

But alright fine, if it's your dog it's your responsibility to provide EVERYTHING for YOUR dog. Especially, when you go off on a work trip or whatever. YOU are responsible for finding adequate care for YOUR dog - food, toys, water, shelter, vet visit, emergency fund, etc - and that care shouldn't be your wife; unless you pay her the current rate for dog sitters. If she has no claim over the dog she doesn't need to be your free doggie daycare anymore 🤷‍♀️

Just because people are married doesn't automatically mean everything becomes shared. My partner bought a car, a pc and a fish tank and although I use the pc, go in the car and enjoy the fish tank they belong to him. Same as I have a tortoise, a lizard and a cat. They're mine not his.

For what it's worth my partner's and my earnings are also our own. Bills are split 50/50.