Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my dog, not our dog

290 replies

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:18

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 23/02/2023 00:45

If you had children and she was a stay at home parent bringing them up and you worked very long hours and didn’t see them much, would the children not be yours but only hers?

Rednotebook · 23/02/2023 04:12

CharlotteRose90 · 22/02/2023 15:57

That’s fine if he’s your dog then when he goes to see her you need to pay her like a dog sitter. This isn’t a marriage.

So what is a marriage? A shared house? 2.4 children?
Why do people struggle to understand that not everyone leads the life expected by society?

Rednotebook · 23/02/2023 04:16

Hotvimto3 · 22/02/2023 16:54

Are you 5?

That question could boomerang back to you.

DifferenceEngines · 23/02/2023 04:22

The dog knows who they belong to. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

TheClitterati · 23/02/2023 04:25

Imagine a scenario where you became incapacitated for a length of time and couldn't care for the dog. would you expect your wife to take care of the dog? Why?

Or should your dog be rehomed under these circumstances?

If your wife no longer cared for the dog when you went on holiday (without her or the dog) would you think less of her or be resentful? Why?

TheClitterati · 23/02/2023 04:27

Sorry business trips, not holidays

StoppinBy · 23/02/2023 04:47

We currently have one dog, technically she's 'mine' if we had to split hairs, any and all training has been done by me, we go to obedience etc together ( the dog and I) but she's still a family dog.

I would be upset if my husband and kids saw her as anything other than a member of our family group.

Why wouldn't you want your wife to see your dog as a part of the family group instead of a seperate entity who belongs to you?

EllieM27 · 23/02/2023 04:53

LadyJ2023 · 22/02/2023 20:29

Sorry am I missing something what a weird marriage if you can even call it that. There's big issuses and it ain't the poor dog

Agreed, especially with what he said about having issues with intimacy and commitment and not wanting anyone to rely upon him (except, apparently, the dog). The dog also is the one that “brings him joy” every day. That poor woman.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 23/02/2023 04:58

I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view.

I worry that you find it hard to see any issue from her point of view. You came here looking for 'balance' - if you'd been listening you already had that, she told you why she felt the way she did. You should be talking it through together not jumping on the internet in the hope strangers would pile on in your favour.

GoAgainstNicki · 23/02/2023 04:58

Some of the comments are so strange. Everyone’s relationship is different. So because they’re married that means that they automatically HAVE to live together?

How many times do people come on MN saying that they and their partner have separate rooms and are miserable as FUCK in their relationship. Some people need space, that doesn’t make their marriage any less serious then yours. No one here knows the reasons of why they don’t live together

JackiePlace · 23/02/2023 05:05

Are you planning to split up? Otherwise what does it mater?

Sparklfairy · 23/02/2023 05:14

Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:16

That’s an interesting point. Maybe deep down I’m worried he loves her more than me. She’s a lot more playful with him. I just walk him a lot in the countryside, go swimming with him etc. but I’m probably not as much fun.

Maybe your wife is the 'Disney Dad' then. If it's any consolation, I'm the Disney Dad with my mum's cat. I swoop in and visit and play with her - games that she remembers and only plays with me, not mum! - and make a big fuss of her. Poor mum does the shitwork like putting her on a diet and taking her to the vet Grin

Mum is still the cat's favourite though Smile

Zanatdy · 23/02/2023 05:38

It’s an odd thing to get so worked up about. But I’d say that he’s your dog if you live in separate homes. Assume you’re listed as his owner on microchip etc too, you pay his insurance, his food costs etc? He’s your dog yes but why get so worked up?

MaireadMcSweeney · 23/02/2023 05:38

Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:24

What an interesting (and troubling) suggestion. I hadn’t heard of Gottman but looking him up now. Thank you for responding!

When you're replying to a specific post it's helpful to quote the post so people know what you're replying to. Just a tip.

ScattyHattie · 23/02/2023 05:39

I think it's 'our dog' because she accepts it fully as a family member rather than just 'your dog'. This transition of terms usually happens more naturally because when couples move in together everything becomes more shared so to use 'our' seems right even if legally they aren't joint assets i.e Bob owned the cat & Jane the house they now live in. If Jane then kept referring to cat as bobs a year after we may get the impression she doesn't see it as anything to do with her & not like it much, less so a bike which only Bob rides.

YetiTeri · 23/02/2023 05:42

DifferenceEngines · 23/02/2023 04:22

The dog knows who they belong to. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

This.

We have a dog, he belongs to all of us. But he's MY dog. I'm his person - he's very clear on that.

You're overthinking this.

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 05:44

You share everything, apart from even a house.

This is a weird set up all round. You sound like very different people who want different things out of life.

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 05:46

"Assumes ownership?"

I'm not sure you understand what the legal contract of marriage is about mate

Rogdog · 23/02/2023 05:49

@Bieder

I’d let it go I think. It’s sweet that she loves the dog so much that she feels that degree of attachment. The dog is therefore loved and cared for by two people who think the dog is awesome. That’s surely in the best interests of the dog?

Sleepless1096 · 23/02/2023 06:01

Maray1967 · 23/02/2023 00:45

If you had children and she was a stay at home parent bringing them up and you worked very long hours and didn’t see them much, would the children not be yours but only hers?

I was thinking the same. We have two DC. I feed them, comfort them, care for them, meet their needs, 'train' them, run around after them and they're with me the whole time apart from school and the odd hour here and there that their father takes them out (which is getting rarer and rarer). Their father works all hours and does very little for them. So if we separate, they're 'my' kids, right? I don't have to share them with their father at all?

I guess it's different with dogs because the law views them as property, unlike children - care is decided on an ownership basis, not a 'best interests of the dog basis'. So in reality, it doesn't matter who does all the care for the dog. The law views the dog as property and the only question is who owns it. Unlike children, which at least theoretically is meant to be decided on the basis of what is best for the children.

follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:33

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 22/02/2023 15:19

YABU. You’re married. He’s both of yours.

So you think that just because one is married, one's good and chattels automatically tranfer to joint ownership! Does that include jewellery, jock-straps, tampons, razors, fleas.....?
That is ridiculous. The dog belongs to the OP

kateandme · 23/02/2023 06:34

does her feeling align with yours over this seperation of lives? is that why she is so upset. what was said at this point?

follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:34

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:18

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

YANBU you bought the dog, care for it, trained it, home it. It is your dog!

follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:38

Courtorder · 22/02/2023 15:22

You’re being ridiculous. I refer to the Nissan as “our car” even though I’ve only driven it once. I refer to visiting “our relatives” when I see people from DH’s family. “Our shed” even though he paid for it and I almost never use it. When you live a shared life (i.e. by getting married) then some things become “ours”, even if only by phrase. What difference does it even make to you?

yet everyone screams for 'space' and wanting to be an individual within a marriage /long-term relationship
Just because one is in a partnership doesn't mean they can't own their own stuff. Do you class all your jewelleery as 'ours', or your menstrual care products?

Mojoyoyo · 23/02/2023 06:40

What was the reason for getting married ?