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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my dog, not our dog

290 replies

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:18

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

OP posts:
winningeasy · 22/02/2023 15:53

You sound like a man child

One who doesn't like to share

Grizzledstrawberry · 22/02/2023 15:55

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:49

Thank you for the perspective. Yes, clearly the consensus on this thread is that it is overly pedantic of me. And that’s kind of what I was looking for - a bit of balance. Now I need to figure out why her calling him “our” dog made me feel so anxious. And I should have a chat with her about it, because I didn’t mean to upset her.

Is the marriage on the rocks, Are you worried she would try take the dog in the divorce? That's the only reason I can think of as to why it would make you feel anxious.

If that's the case, make sure you keep any evidence, like vet bills, microchip details adoption/purchase papers, make sure it's all upto date and in your current address where only you reside.

falsepromises · 22/02/2023 15:55

It would be quite weird to ask for payment, don’t you think?

Yes, because she's your wife and he's your dog, therefore her dog. Are her nieces and nephews not your nieces and nephews? How would you feel if you asked her to mind him and she said no, sorry she doesnt like the dog hair everywhere / is too busy? I imagine offended, because shes your wife and hes your dog, therefore her dog.

Workawayxx · 22/02/2023 15:55

Bizarre. My DP has 2 dogs, takes them to work and he had them before we met. I sometimes call them "our dogs" to people as it's just simpler than explaining the entire set up (we have separate homes but share a DD). I'm pretty sure DP would really like it if I called them "our dogs" (for various reasons). He definitely wouldn't be petty enough to call me out if I did! I think given that your wife picks up the slack when you're away and loves the dog and you're married, you shouldn't have a problem with her called it "our dog".

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:56

Thank you for the considered response. It’s really helpful.
I’m kind of trying to figure out why it bothers me. In fact it is more than that - it makes me feel anxious. I’m easily worried something might happen to my wife or the dog, when I’m not around. And she’s more laisser-faire with him, so some of it might also be about having his good training undone (probably an unreasonable worry, considering how little time he actually spends alone with her - no more than a week at a time).

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 22/02/2023 15:57

That’s fine if he’s your dog then when he goes to see her you need to pay her like a dog sitter. This isn’t a marriage.

HamFrancisco · 22/02/2023 15:59

Is the sofa in your house 'your' sofa? If yes, then the dog is 'your' dog. She doesn't interact with it on a daily basis, it's in your house, it's yours.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/02/2023 16:02

It's good that she sees him as 'our' dog and takes responsibility for him when you're away, isn't it?

The question of whose dog he is though... what does your dog think? Our late dog was found and bought by DH, who also sorted his insurance, paid the vets bills etc. We both loved that dog, both cared for him and wept for him... but from the dog's perspective, it was pretty clear he was my dog.

picklemewalnuts · 22/02/2023 16:04

Generally language is a bit looser than your understanding, OP. So I'd refer to 'going home' when I mean back to the hotel, or to the hosts house. Home isn't only the place I live, it's where I'm sleeping tonight.

Ditto 'my dog' and 'our dog'- it's partly to do with the moment. If I've got to leave work on time to get back for the dog, I wouldn't specify 'my wife's dog' I'd just say 'my dog'.

If someone wanted me to take on a dog, I'd say 'we've already got a dog', even if it didn't live full time with me. My 'dog space' is full. Well obviously there's no such thing as no room for another dog, but still...

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 22/02/2023 16:05

Unlike with the sofa or the house - with a dog you get to pay but the dog gets to choose.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:05

No, I’m not worried that she would want to take the dog. And we’re mostly very happy in our marriage; we love each other.

OP posts:
Grizzledstrawberry · 22/02/2023 16:08

Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:05

No, I’m not worried that she would want to take the dog. And we’re mostly very happy in our marriage; we love each other.

I wouldn't worry then, its really not a big deal, Try get to the bottom of why you felt it was.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:09

That’s the most helpful response - thank you!! English is not my mother tongue. It could be a cultural misunderstanding too, and I never even considered that.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 22/02/2023 16:10

When you get married, legally you're one financial entity. So yes, that dog belongs to both of you. If you don't want that, don't be married. Surely sharing all aspects of your life is what marriage is about.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:10

Thank you ❤posting here has been so much more helpful than I expected.

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 22/02/2023 16:11

My grandfather was a serial-dog-rescuer (he worked in areas where people often dump puppies and dogs).

He brought them all home - my long-suffering grand mother bathed them - took them to the vets -fed them etc. They accepted her care but there was no doubt that all saw him as their 'owner/master'. He was their sun - and they always looked for him.

His last dog grieved with her and they came to be partners eventually.

TheSnowyOwl · 22/02/2023 16:12

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:22

Even though I bought him, pay his food, vet bills, insurance and spend 95% off my time with him?

Many parents could say the same about their child. Doesn’t change that the child has another parent living elsewhere.

billy1966 · 22/02/2023 16:13

He's your dog IMO.

Your wife and you are together but apart, I have known couples to have very successful relationships like this.

The dog is yours.

If she gets a cat for her home in the city and you took care of it, I would still think of it as her cat.

If the dog was a PITA, you can be sure it would be YOUr dog.

I suppose her fondness for the dog has now reframed it in her mind.

But, he's definitely YOUR dog😁.

Daftasabroom · 22/02/2023 16:15

My Gran had a very tongue cheek saying (usually to do with squabbles between me and my brother's).

What's yours is ours and what's mine's me own.

DW, who never met my Gran, lives by this.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:16

That’s an interesting point. Maybe deep down I’m worried he loves her more than me. She’s a lot more playful with him. I just walk him a lot in the countryside, go swimming with him etc. but I’m probably not as much fun.

OP posts:
Chias · 22/02/2023 16:17

Are you worried that the dog likes your wife more than you? I got a bit upset when a neighbour started giving my dog very expensive pork (we lived abroad and the dog roamed free). My food offerings were not so good. He never stayed at hers beyond treat time thought. The cat was far more fickle though!

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:17

Love it 😆 thanks for sharing

OP posts:
Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:20

Your grandparents sound like wonderful, loving people - and clearly fondly remembered ❤️

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 22/02/2023 16:21

Has your relationship deteriorated into more like siblings? It seems like something someone who feels quite disconnected from a partner would say to me. For example, being possessive and petty. I'm a Gottman fan for full disclosure.

Original poster
Bieder · 22/02/2023 16:21

Yes, I’m starting to think that’s what it comes down to 😬

OP posts: