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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use donor sperm for 3rd baby?

135 replies

axndreial · 22/02/2023 13:28

I have 2yo twins, one of each. I'm a single mum and have always wanted 3 DCs.

If I do get into another relationship, it won't be for a while yet and I don't want a big age gap as the new baby won't have anyone to play with where as with a 3/4 year gap they most likely will.

I'm thinking of using donor sperm, but I'm not sure as the child wont have contact with their father (obviously) where as their 2 siblings will and when they're older will be staying overnight with him etc.

Would you do this or should I stop at 2?

OP posts:
miniaturepixieonacid · 22/02/2023 13:29

I would stop personally (for all sorts of reasons - practical, financial, ennvironmental) but there's no way anyone else can answer for you. It's a very individual decision.

Moonicorn · 22/02/2023 13:30

Stop at 2. Don’t complicate your family, your kids have each other and while I understand the want for another baby it’s all got a bit ‘Internet shopping’ now.

Borris · 22/02/2023 13:31

I’d stick at 2 unless your DTs father will be the donor.

TwilightSkies · 22/02/2023 13:32

What do you want another child for?
Hell no, I wouldn’t do it.

Comedycook · 22/02/2023 13:32

No way would I do that

Be grateful for your two DC and don't complicate your life or theirs.

lazycats · 22/02/2023 13:32

Given those circumstances I think you should just be happy with the two you have.

LolaSmiles · 22/02/2023 13:33

Personally I wouldn't intentionally make a a decision that singles one child out as different (in this case being the only one who doesn't have a dad).

It's a very personal decision but I'd start by reflecting on why having 3 children Vs two matters so much

MyOldFriendTime · 22/02/2023 13:33

I'd stop at 2 (which is more than enough anyway). Can you imagine how that child would feel when his/her siblings are off seeing their Dad or getting presents from their Dad. Christmas/Birthdays etc will be very hard.

Christmasbahhumbug · 22/02/2023 13:34

Yes I agree with others, stop at 2.

JesPrinee · 22/02/2023 13:36

I don't think it's that easy. I remember the pull to have a 3rd. Can you really cope with the long term finance issues OP? I'd have counselling to mull it over properly. Not having a 3rd broke my heart but I did get over it eventually.

Particularprick · 22/02/2023 13:38

Absolutely not.

rwalker · 22/02/2023 13:38

Can u finically support 3rd child or would you expect the state to

mistermagpie · 22/02/2023 13:38

I have three children fairly close in age. It's a lot. It's a lot and I have an involved husband (both practically and financially). I don't think I would choose to have three alone, it's quite a shift in dynamic and a lot of work and money, which you wouldn't be getting from their father obviously.

Also in your case this baby would be very 'other' - not a full sibling, no dad on the scene and via a donor. I know these family structures obviously exist but not often intentionally and I am not sure I would choose to do that on purpose.

TheMagicDeckchair · 22/02/2023 13:40

I might consider a third if I was in a new relationship and my partner wanted a child. I don’t think I would go down the donor route as I think it would create inequality between the twins and the new baby. Also 2yo twins are a handful, I’m not sure I could handle a newborn in the mix too on my own!

How old are you? Do you have the option to wait?

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 13:45

No but I don't agree in single parenthood by choice or use of donors be it egg or spent donors. Just because you don't want or need a man to father your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father. I think it's incredibly selfish

ShimmeringShirts · 22/02/2023 13:45

There is no guarantee at all that your twins would play with a new sibling, even with a small age gap. Two of mine have 18 months between them and will not interact with each other if they can avoid it, using donor sperm to conceive another child purely to avoid having a big age gap is mental.

drpet49 · 22/02/2023 13:59

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 13:45

No but I don't agree in single parenthood by choice or use of donors be it egg or spent donors. Just because you don't want or need a man to father your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father. I think it's incredibly selfish

I agree

SisterCassandra · 22/02/2023 14:11

Your thinking is incredibly short termist. To focus on an age gap for playing purposes is crazy when you think how long a life actually lasts, baby and childhood is a tiny part of it! Maybe spend some time thinking how a life with no father and a whole side unknown might feel to a person. I think to press on and deliberately create this life would be pretty selfish, especially as you already have two children. I always saw myself living in a lovely country house by this stage of my life but financial constraints mean that’s not going to happen. Sometimes we don’t get everything we want in life, the trick is learning to be happy with what we get.

February83 · 22/02/2023 14:12

Only you can make this decision OP - having a third child is v important to some people /not important to others. Depends what you want from life.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 14:14

I'd like to point out that your desire for someone for your child to play with might not pan out quite how you're expecting. Being a single sibling of twins can be an exceptionally lonely place. Made, perhaps, doubly so by only being half siblings and the single having no fatherly relationship.

Coffeellama · 22/02/2023 14:15

I think it would be pretty selfish to have another baby this way, knowing the twins would get time with their dad and the new baby would never have a chance at that. It’s a very personal choice but seen as you’ve asked, I wouldn’t in your circumstances no.

DaveyJonesLocker · 22/02/2023 14:17

Stop at 2. As the younger sibling of twins it's pretty shitty anyway being the odd one out, and to not have a father when the others do isn't fair.

SaltedButty · 22/02/2023 14:20

@mybunniesandme What an incredibly hurtful post to make

Redebs · 22/02/2023 14:23

It's going to be awful for child to not have a father when the twins do.
How on earth would a little one cope with that? Horrible idea.

PacificallyRequested · 22/02/2023 14:23

SaltedButty · 22/02/2023 14:20

@mybunniesandme What an incredibly hurtful post to make

Why? It's a perfectly valid point of view and one I agree with.