Page 4 | To use donor sperm for 3rd baby?

axndreial · 2023-02-22T13:28:20+00:00

I have 2yo twins, one of each. I'm a single mum and have always wanted 3 DCs. If I do get into another relationship, it won't be for a while yet and I don't want a big age gap as the new baby won't have anyone to play with where as with a 3/4 year gap they most likely will. I'm thinking of using donor sperm, but I'm not sure as the child wont have contact with their father (obviously) where as their 2 siblings will and when they're older will be staying overnight with him etc. Would you do this or should I stop at 2?

Wallywobbles · 22/02/2023 20:46

I think there's a very strong possibility that the twins won't need a sibling. So you're reasoning is faulty there.

VestaTilley · 22/02/2023 20:47

How would you afford three?

No way I’d use donor sperm when you already have 2 healthy DC. I think it’s unethical, to be honest, deliberately raising a child without a father - especially when you know your elder two will have a relationship with theirs. It would be so hard and unfair on baby 3.

SarahAndQuack · 22/02/2023 20:49

I do get where you're coming from in terms of the broodiness, and I think there are a lot of twatty posts on this thread. But, I would agree that it seems like a very difficult issue for a child to deal with his or her siblings having 'dad' and them not. I have a donor-conceived child, and know other couples with donor-conceived children, and I still think it would be really hard to explain this one.

StarsSand · 22/02/2023 20:53

axndreial · 22/02/2023 15:55

The twins don't see their father very often at the moment, and in the future they may and it might include overnights but I don't know 100%.

The risk of twins again would likely be low this time as twins run in ex’s family and he's a twin himself.

Of course, I don't just want another DC so they'll play together but it is a reason that I don't want a big age gap as if it's 10+ years it'll technically be like raising an only child.

The risk of fraternal twins is not from the father, it's from you. When you conceived your twins your ovary released two eggs, not one.

YOU are high risk for a multiple pregnancy again, and I'm amazed that no one on your medical team explained that to you during your first pregnancy.

Sugarfree23 · 22/02/2023 20:55

Op I think its madness.
The 3rd child always the odd one out. Missing out on having a father and other family in their life.

What happens if you are seriously ill who'd look after the 3rd child?

3 kids with different clubs and events with only one person to ferry them back and forward.

4 people on one wage would be really hard going, esp in the teen years when everything is costly.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 22/02/2023 20:58

All of this is about you with absolutely no thought of the human being you'd be bringing into the worlds and their thoughts and feelings on the matter of not knowing half of who they are, where they come from and the lack of a father figure in their life whilst their siblings get all of that.

Exactfare · 22/02/2023 20:59

I think there are some twatty comments here. I don't have a problem with sperm donors, and I don't think it's selfish to be want a 3rd

But I have 3 young children with an involved dad and as other have said it's ALOT I wouldn't want to do this on my own through choice. I never have a minute to myself as it is, it's much harder than 2

My sympathies to though because the longing for a 3rd is really hard to cope with, and my 3rd completed us but I think you are underestimating how bloody hard it would be

nopenotplaying · 22/02/2023 21:02

Hi, mum of 5 here the youngest being 3 year old b/g twins. My children all have varied age gaps and get along just fine. 4 years between the eldest two then 8 years until the 3rd. The second and third played together beautifully a slightly different relationship than a small age gap but they are really close. Enjoy your twins now and try and find a new partner that you can have a future with you and your new baby x

Whambamthankumam · 22/02/2023 21:02

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WinterMusings · 22/02/2023 21:05

@axndreial

can I have some if your energy please? 2 year old twins & wanting another, I need a nap just thinking about it.

there are some horrible posts on your thread

if it was me, I'd just try to enjoy the twins & remain open to meeting someone else & having children with them. I know some kids & adults that get on far better with their age gap siblings..

I don't have an issue with the SD option, but I do think it could be difficult on the single sibling, when the twins Dad is involved (& I expect he will be more, not less, as they get older).

MrsMikeDrop · 22/02/2023 21:10

I think you should stop now at 2, the baby is likely to be a third wheel anyway to your twins maybe even moreso if they're not full siblings.

Busybutbored · 22/02/2023 21:12

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 13:45

No but I don't agree in single parenthood by choice or use of donors be it egg or spent donors. Just because you don't want or need a man to father your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father. I think it's incredibly selfish

I agree too, it's not fair for the child

mahrezzy · 22/02/2023 21:13

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 13:45

No but I don't agree in single parenthood by choice or use of donors be it egg or spent donors. Just because you don't want or need a man to father your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father. I think it's incredibly selfish

I don’t agree with anonymous donor eggs / sperm as I don’t feel this is fair for the child. Creating life like this IS selfish.

That said, I’m a solo parent by choice. I adopted my son when he was 2. If I didn’t adopt him he potentially could have stayed in the care system with NO parents. Now, however, he has one mother. No father. But he / we also have a huge support network and extended family who adore him. He’s the happiest little bean in the world. Strangers comment on how happy he is. Was I selfish to adopt as a solo parent? No I was not. So maybe reconsider your generalisations.

marly24 · 22/02/2023 21:15

I would say the personal difficulties with this can come in phases. If you ended up single parenting throughout their lives, there are times when this does get very complicated in different ways. Single parenting 3 teens when you have to start dropping them to different parties and hobbies and sports events in the evenings once they are teenagers is backbreaking. I do think the unequal dynamic sounds like a recipe for a third child to feel like life has treated them unfairly compared to their siblings.

amonsteronthehill · 22/02/2023 21:17

Please don't.

Persipan · 22/02/2023 21:19

You certainly have quite a lot to weigh up, if you want to consider this route. If you were to pursue fertility treatment using donor sperm, you'd have mandatory implications counselling as part of the process, so you may want to think about seeking that out via a clinic in order to really work through all your thoughts and feelings about the idea. You could also find out a bit more about the costs and physical factors involved in treatment, to help you weigh up that side of things. If you haven't already looked into this then be warned, treatment is expensive. But you wouldn't be committing to anything by exploring the idea further.

Coffeellama · 22/02/2023 21:21

axndreial · 22/02/2023 20:37

So how would you even afford to pay to have a baby this way and support you all?

I work.

Loads of people work but can’t afford fertility treatment for a third baby whilst also paying for nursery for twins on a single parent wage. If universal credit helps for nursery fees etc they won’t help with your third child.

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 21:21

I wouldn't do this unless your ex provided the sperm.

Sapphire387 · 22/02/2023 21:21

I would have thought it would be preferable to seek a new relationship with a man who is open to step parenting and having more children.

Paperexcelandpens · 22/02/2023 21:28

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 13:45

No but I don't agree in single parenthood by choice or use of donors be it egg or spent donors. Just because you don't want or need a man to father your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father. I think it's incredibly selfish

I agree with this too.

ImAvingOops · 22/02/2023 21:30

Would your twins' dad consider having another baby with you? That's the only way I'd consider this. I think if none of the kids had a dad then it wouldn't be so bad to have another baby, but I think it would be very tough on the 3rd, when the other 2 do have a dad and family on his side. And them bring twins too would further 'other' your 3rd.

Ideally, I think kids should have two parents. Not necessarily a mum and a dad or two parents who are together, but two adults responsible for them. It's risky if you are on your own and something goes wrong.

SarahAndQuack · 22/02/2023 21:31

Busybutbored · 22/02/2023 21:12

I agree too, it's not fair for the child

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Ok, I'll bite. Why is it selfish, exactly?

SunnyDaysAheadGang · 22/02/2023 21:36

It's too much imo.
What if the third child had disabilities op? Your life is already full on with the two you have been blessed with.

It's a very personal decision but I'd start by reflecting on why having 3 children Vs two matters so much

I agree with the above too.

Apollonia1 · 22/02/2023 21:38

I'm a single mum, with donor-conceived 2-year old twins.

In your case, I think there is a stark contrast between your twins (they have each other, a known dad, extended paternal family), and the potential new baby (no full-sibling, no dad, no extended paternal family). In your case, I'd stick with the two you already have.

(I'm also a bit in awe, that as a single parent with 2-year old twins, you've the energy to think of a third!)

SunnyDaysAheadGang · 22/02/2023 21:39

Maybe get a puppy?