To use donor sperm for 3rd baby?

[axndreial]

I have 2yo twins, one of each. I'm a single mum and have always wanted 3 DCs.

If I do get into another relationship, it won't be for a while yet and I don't want a big age gap as the new baby won't have anyone to play with where as with a 3/4 year gap they most likely will.

I'm thinking of using donor sperm, but I'm not sure as the child wont have contact with their father (obviously) where as their 2 siblings will and when they're older will be staying overnight with him etc.

Would you do this or should I stop at 2?

(I'm also a bit in awe, that as a single parent with 2-year old twins, you've the energy to think of a third!)

Agreed!

Right.

Yeah, I'm the older sibling of twins and it's a bit shit to be honest. There's always a divide. And even when they don't get on they still have each other and they'll have a father and the new baby wouldn't.

And I say that having a DE baby so I'm in no way opposed to donor conception.

I'm currently pregnant with DC3. I'm single and all my kids have the same donor sperm, so are full siblings.
This might sound weird, but is asking your ex if he'd be interested in fathering another (via IVF I presume) at all on the cards?
Personally I'm not sure I would as I'd want my kids to be in the same situation/have full sibling relationship. There are plenty of posts on here about people with kids by 2 different men and one is a good Dad with wider family and one totally crap. That would make me so unhappy when I loved all my kids the same and to bits.

I have three children, the eldest just turned 5 and the youngest is 5 months. I obviously don't know what twins is like but I can tell you that whatever two felt like, three is 10x harder. It's not the same as going from one to two for sure. I don't have enough hands, I don't have enough time, I'm split in every direction and go to bed every night wishing I could've done more for one/two/all of them. I adore my children and have no regrets whatsoever, but I also have a devoted DH. We share the load of the kids care, physically, emotionally and financially. I think it would be very difficult to do this alone. Not undoable because obviously there are single mums out there that are doing it right now, but for alot of them, they didn't choose/plan to be in that position. You however would be choosing to do this, and choosing this future for your children too. It's your decision at the end of the day but make sure it's not your broodiness taking control. I'd not make a hasty decision that's for sure. Goodluck OP.

I agree with above post, I would ask if EX, or someone you know would be willing to donate. I think it is better to have both a mother and father in your life. Not that it is necessary, or you can't do a good job without. If Obviously this isn't always possible for a variety of reasons, and absolutely no judgement there(except to those who decide to have nothing to do with their children or don't adequatelysupport them). But I imagine most weren't conceived knowing that would be the case.
But it is certainly not as unethical as surrogates, so if this is really what you want and no other alternative, I would probably do it. Though I would definitely feel a bit weird about it, but I suppose it would become our normal. When the twins are overnight at their dad's, you could make those nights a special night with them. Movie nights etc.

The risk of twins again would likely be low this time as twins run in ex’s family and he's a twin himself

The risk comes from you

Given that your twins are boy/girl, you released two eggs. That's got nothing to do with what happens on their dads side of the family.

It's you it's linked to. And you could just as likely release two eggs again.

But if she uses donor sperm for IVF then this is not the case. No chance of fraternal twins, although could still have identicals.

Isn't there an increase risk of the egg splitting with IVF anyway? I thoughty friend said that when she had her baby via IVF so apologies of I'm wrong

Also agree

I would stop at two for financial and environmental reasons and also so you can focus on the two you have if you're a single parent.

This isn't the case re twins OP - the increased chance of multiple birth can only come from the mum.

A man's family history of twins can't increase his partner's chance of having twins. If a man has inherited the hyperovulation gene from his mother, he may pass this gene on to his daughter, but it won't impact on the chances of him conceiving multiples with his own partner.

Two is enough. Take joy from them and stop wishing for more. You have a boy and a girl. How fabulous. They will, at some stage go and stay with their father. How will your third child feel? You will also not get any free time. You may have a disabled child. Be grateful.

I don't think it is a great idea. As one of the the older natural children of five with a much younger adopted sibling (adopted for reasons of my parents feeling the empty nest coming etc.) we found the early days with our sibling cute but later it really stretched our parents' budget and they were continually compensating the adopted one who was hugely spoilt (their favourite) and ended up creating a lot of problems once our parents died. We all feel responsible for her and still dig her out of so many financial and relationship situations. Setting up a family where there are very differing circumstances for each child is complicated. Why aren't your other children enough? If you meet another partner they might have children already or they really might want their own with you. Leave your options more flexible. Think about freezing your eggs if you are getting older. It might seem expensive but it is not compared to the expense of having another child.

I'm horrified at the nasty smug "my way is the only way" married posters on here saying that single women should never have children. What sad bitter people you must be. And wrong too.

I had always wanted children and when, at age 36, my fiancé announced that he didn't want kids (having said he did) , I was devastated, and knew I had to act.

I now have 2 teenagers conceived by donor sperm. I also have a partner who I met when they were younger, who doesn't live with us, but who they are fond of.

My DC have many friends who are now in single parent families, as the divorces came thick and fast once kids reached teens. These kids have witnessed screaming rows, tears, misery, violence in some instances, followed by acrimonious settlements, house moves, being uprooted, moving between houses, new partners introduced etc. They have watched their beloved parents yell at each other, and a couple of dads have disappeared completely, and not seen their kids at all.

Meanwhile my kids have never heard adults raising their voices, they've never experienced the pain of the 2 people they love the most hating each other, they've never had to lie in bed pretending they can't hear the fights. They've grown up in calm surroundings with family who love them.

It sickens me that some people are so narrow minded and unaware of the many permutations and combinations that make up a happy or unhappy childhood.

I wonder how perfect you must all be, to think you can judge others so readily.

OP, you know your situation best. Don't seek validation from strangers on the internet.

Can your wage as a single mum cover three babies?? or do you mean post UC etc

Don't complicate your life.

Children deserve a dad unless circumstances mean it's just not possible. Seems sad to choose that for a child.

@mybunniesandme

My mother shared your opinion regarding all children needing a father. When she was desperate for a child (me) she ended up with my father, who abused both of us for years in about every way you can imagine. She insisted on pushing me to continue contact with him even when he had left our home, as like you say children need a father.

I wanted children desperately for many years and ended up in multiple abusive relationships before I gave up. I eventually decided on solo parenthood after huge amounts of research, soul searching and counselling. It was the counsellor at the ivf clinic who pointed out that actually no one has children for selfless reasons- it is almost always (arguably with the exception of some adoptions) a selfish act.

I can’t change your viewpoint but would ask you, and others, to be more sensitive with how you phrase things. Your words are very hurtful. No one (rightly) would stigmatise other unusual family structures in the same way that people feel they can be openly critical of solo parent by choice families.

There is a Facebook group - Solo mother's by choice UK - who may be able to offer some advice from the other side of things from people who've been there or are currently.

I just hope people give the kind of thought to their children that they do to themselves. Personally me feeling 'desperate' is not reason enough to pursue motherhood at any cost. I rarely see people give critical thought to how offspring might feel - it's all about what they want.

I actually think going through these challenges can give one pause for thought on the 'selfish act' of pursuing parenthood that someone who can conceive naturally might not think about.

And of COURSE a counsellor at an IVF clinic is going to affirm your views....

I agree.

What an unpleasant message. Exactly where do you get it from that I didn’t give critical thought to what my son will think and feel?! How dare you base such a personal attack on an unfounded assumption.

I don’t think it’s a personal attack, it’s commenting on donor gametes in general. The issue is we rarely hear from donor conceived adults, just the parents of young children or toddlers who were conceived that way and at the moment are not old enough for anyone to draw conclusions about what it will do to them long term.

I was talking generally. Defensive much?

Not having similar age siblings does not mean a child will have “nobody to play with”. Children are allowed to have friends outside their own families!