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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use donor sperm for 3rd baby?

135 replies

axndreial · 22/02/2023 13:28

I have 2yo twins, one of each. I'm a single mum and have always wanted 3 DCs.

If I do get into another relationship, it won't be for a while yet and I don't want a big age gap as the new baby won't have anyone to play with where as with a 3/4 year gap they most likely will.

I'm thinking of using donor sperm, but I'm not sure as the child wont have contact with their father (obviously) where as their 2 siblings will and when they're older will be staying overnight with him etc.

Would you do this or should I stop at 2?

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 22/02/2023 16:40

Your life sounds complicated enough as it is.

JellyBeanFactory · 22/02/2023 16:44

To answer your OP question: Yes, YABU

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 22/02/2023 16:45

axndreial · 22/02/2023 15:55

The twins don't see their father very often at the moment, and in the future they may and it might include overnights but I don't know 100%.

The risk of twins again would likely be low this time as twins run in ex’s family and he's a twin himself.

Of course, I don't just want another DC so they'll play together but it is a reason that I don't want a big age gap as if it's 10+ years it'll technically be like raising an only child.

You have said that you have one twin of each sex, they must be non-identical therefore you must have released two eggs, fertilised by one X sperm and one Y sperm. History of twins on the father's side is irrelevant. You have the same chance of having twins as you did the first time.

GlassBunion · 22/02/2023 16:47

Please don't. It's cruel and selfish.

MrsJamin · 22/02/2023 16:49

That's utterly ridiculous, why on earth would you even consider that? If you have children already you definitely shouldn't be bringing a child into the world that doesn't have a dad 😣

Ziggy876 · 22/02/2023 16:50

As someone who has conceived two sets of twins, I'd advise you to be wary!

lunar1 · 22/02/2023 16:58

Who do you have as back up if you are ill? If the worst happened to you there is every chance the three children would be split up. The twins going to their dad and the youngest going to one of your family or into the care system.

MrNook · 22/02/2023 17:18

rwalker · 22/02/2023 13:38

Can u finically support 3rd child or would you expect the state to

"The state" wouldn't support a third child

Original poster
axndreial · 22/02/2023 17:31

maddiemookins16mum · 22/02/2023 16:40

Your life sounds complicated enough as it is.

It isn't complicated, the twins are fairly good sleepers, good eaters etc, they attend nursery 3 days a week, my mum has them 1 day and I have them the rest of the time unless they're with their dad

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 22/02/2023 17:33

axndreial · 22/02/2023 17:31

It isn't complicated, the twins are fairly good sleepers, good eaters etc, they attend nursery 3 days a week, my mum has them 1 day and I have them the rest of the time unless they're with their dad

Show quote history

So how would you even afford to pay to have a baby this way and support you all?

Kinneddar · 22/02/2023 17:34

SaltedButty · 22/02/2023 14:20

@mybunniesandme What an incredibly hurtful post to make

I think they were spot on & made valid points

soboredoflooking · 22/02/2023 17:52

I would never willingly become a single mum of 3. To be honest not even with a dh either! We are stopping at 2 as it's so much work and expense too.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/02/2023 18:55

axndreial · 22/02/2023 17:31

It isn't complicated, the twins are fairly good sleepers, good eaters etc, they attend nursery 3 days a week, my mum has them 1 day and I have them the rest of the time unless they're with their dad

Show quote history

But you’ve also said they don’t see him very much and the future is unclear.
Get a gerbil. Actually don’t.

TinaYouFatLard · 22/02/2023 18:55

You conceived fraternal twins because YOU must have released two eggs. Absolutely nothing to do with your ex’s genetics.

RUOKHUN · 22/02/2023 19:01

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 13:45

No but I don't agree in single parenthood by choice or use of donors be it egg or spent donors. Just because you don't want or need a man to father your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father. I think it's incredibly selfish

Welp. All those LGBT a couples better give their kids back then. (Including mine and my wife’s).

You are a horrible person.

MrsBunnyEars · 22/02/2023 19:08

Rabbity solidarity to @mybunniesandme , who is totally right.

threeplusmum · 22/02/2023 19:28

Personally I know how hard it is to raise a child alone, so I wouldn't choose this route but each to their own.

Emmamoo89 · 22/02/2023 19:37

Go for it, if its what you truly want x

JuneWind · 22/02/2023 19:41

Just putting myself in the shoes of the potential 3rd baby. I’d feel so upset seeing my 2 siblings go off for weekends with their dad, day trips, maybe even holidays abroad. Plus the love of their extended family, aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents. Not to mention all the extra presents they’d get on birthdays, Christmas, Easter eggs etc.

That’s without even adding in not knowing half of their own family history/personal heritage (I don’t know my bio dad so have some knowledge of this).

I think a small child would find that incredibly difficult to deal with. So I wouldn’t intentionally plan for that.

Original poster
axndreial · 22/02/2023 20:37

So how would you even afford to pay to have a baby this way and support you all?

I work.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2023 20:42

axndreial · 22/02/2023 15:55

The twins don't see their father very often at the moment, and in the future they may and it might include overnights but I don't know 100%.

The risk of twins again would likely be low this time as twins run in ex’s family and he's a twin himself.

Of course, I don't just want another DC so they'll play together but it is a reason that I don't want a big age gap as if it's 10+ years it'll technically be like raising an only child.

You can't pass the increased likelihood of fraternal twins down the make line because it's about your ovulation. His down isn't so terrific it knocked another egg out of your ovum
So actually, your chance of twins is just as high with any random sperm

Something to consider.

Newnamenewname109870 · 22/02/2023 20:43

It’s really hard to ignore broodiness but I really wouldn’t worry about the age gap op. I’d focus on yourself and your kids and hopefully finding a decent life partner who can share the parenting loads. How old are you?

AnotherEmma · 22/02/2023 20:44

YABVVVVU
You are already lucky to have two healthy children.
If you didn't have any children at all and you were considering going it alone with donor sperm, I would say fair enough and good luck to you.
But I don't think anyone needs 3 children. If a third child is conceived naturally, so be it (although I do think 3 is too many in today's world) but actually undergoing fertility treatment to have a third... it seems like madness to me.
Lastly your existing children have each other and a father (albeit one who is not very involved, but they do have one and know him). If you did this, your third child would have neither a twin nor a father.
I also find it hard to believe you could afford to support them all, but perhaps you're a very high earner?!

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2023 20:44

Ziggy876 · 22/02/2023 16:50

As someone who has conceived two sets of twins, I'd advise you to be wary!

And THAT'S why DH is having the snip 😂

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/02/2023 20:45

God woman, stop at two! Don't make a rod for your own back!

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