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Original poster

To use donor sperm for 3rd baby?

135 replies

axndreial · 22/02/2023 13:28

I have 2yo twins, one of each. I'm a single mum and have always wanted 3 DCs.

If I do get into another relationship, it won't be for a while yet and I don't want a big age gap as the new baby won't have anyone to play with where as with a 3/4 year gap they most likely will.

I'm thinking of using donor sperm, but I'm not sure as the child wont have contact with their father (obviously) where as their 2 siblings will and when they're older will be staying overnight with him etc.

Would you do this or should I stop at 2?

OP posts:
SoonBeTeaTime · 22/02/2023 14:27

Absolutely not, 2 children have a father and another side of the family, how do you think another child without a father would feel, trying to explain this to a small child is far too complex. Then there's the logistics, I have 3 young children myself, hand on heart I wouldn't manage without my husband pulling his weight, I couldn't imagine being a single parent to 2 children (i understand that wasn't your choice, I'm not judging or commenting on your 2 exisitng children) I just can't understand chosing to add a 3rd in these circumstances.

Quite simply your want for a 3rd baby doesn't trump a child's right to a father. If you meet someone else and eventually want a baby, fine, but don't have a donor baby in these circumstances.

February83 · 22/02/2023 14:28

I don't think the age gap is a big deal OP. If there's a large age gap your third may benefit from having siblings and in a sense also have the benefit of being more in essence like an only child - the independence of not having sibling too close in age a best of both worlds!
Also the differing 'father' situations isn't an issue imo - many blended families are like this !
But 2 is a good number - as is 3 - end of day your call OP

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2023 14:29

I wouldn't intentionally create that level of disparity. Of course you could fall pregnant to a man who abandons you completely and end up in the same scenario but to deliberately deprive one child of something you chose to give your older ones doesn't sit right with me.

Practically too, how much would you expect your wed to step up to help with the twins whilst you're recovering from the new baby? Will he? If you're hospitalised for a week with high BP will he not just have them but also bring them to see you etc. What if you end up with a C Sec? Or twins again.

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 14:33

@SaltedButty

Why? Because the truth often hurts? Using donors is becoming so prolific these days just to fulfil someone's self entitlement to parenthood? OP might think that genetics or biology isnt important or having access to a father or extended family of the fathers but that child may very well feel differently

OP isn't considering user a donor to start a family or even to give a currently only child a sibling - she wants to use donors simply because she wants another child nothing more nothing less

Ihatethenewlook · 22/02/2023 14:34

mybunniesandme · 22/02/2023 13:45

No but I don't agree in single parenthood by choice or use of donors be it egg or spent donors. Just because you don't want or need a man to father your child doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father. I think it's incredibly selfish

I agree with this, but rarely say it on mn as I get a load of abuse. I know there are lots of happy single parents families out there who have been put in that situation for all sorts of reasons, but statistically they’ll do worse in every single aspect of their lives. It makes me feel so sad that a woman would deliberately have a baby that’s going to grow up with no ‘daddy’. The fact that the baby is going to have to watch it’s siblings have a lovely relationship with their dad is even worse, especially when they’re too little to understand why they’re being singled out when their brother and sister are being taken on lovely outings and things and they’re not allowed to go.

TinaYouFatLard · 22/02/2023 14:39

Of course you shouldn’t do this.

Particularprick · 22/02/2023 15:01

SaltedButty · 22/02/2023 14:20

@mybunniesandme What an incredibly hurtful post to make

Why? I agree

2crossedout1 · 22/02/2023 15:04

I think you should stop at two. I understand women taking that route when they are childless, but you already have two children to love and care for.

PennyRa · 22/02/2023 15:11

Children who were born to single mothers by choice actually fair better than children living between separated families. There are support networks and dibling groups for the child and you.

The thing you have to consider is the effect on your current children. If you think they will cope well then go for it.

The people I've met who are against smbc are homophobic and it's just an extension of that. They only want nuclear families

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 22/02/2023 15:12

You should stop. This wouldn’t be fair on your existing children or the new baby. It’s a very selfish view. Focus on the family you have.

ittakes2 · 22/02/2023 15:12

I have twins - they are 16 and have never played with each other...except maybe throwing the ball to each other in the pool on holiday about 1/2 dozen times in their life. Having a baby in these circumstances so they can 'play with each other' does not sound sensible sorry.

CheeseFiend40 · 22/02/2023 15:22

I would stop at 2, and you have one of each so bonus. We have 3 young children and it’s hard work. You also need to consider how this third child would feel when their siblings go to see their dad every other weekend, or spend time with their dads family for Christmas and Easter, and they are left on their own. Even just the fact that the twins have that relationship, of having a dad and knowing who he is, having that extended family. The third child will be able to see a direct comparison to what they don’t have, and what they are missing out on.

LividNC · 22/02/2023 15:30

Not at all, and I speak as someone who has used donor sperm.

You'd be creating a disparity between your children deliberately.

Excited101 · 22/02/2023 15:42

No, I would leave it. Your set up is perfect as it is.

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2023 15:44

Iv seen similar scenario where 2 kids went to dad's and the other had a parent who lived abroad who wanted no contact from when found out about pregnancy. It's heartbreaking for the child without a dad. They watch their siblings go to their dads and they get so upset. They feel they aren't good enough to have a dad. So much pain and trauma

Original poster
axndreial · 22/02/2023 15:55

The twins don't see their father very often at the moment, and in the future they may and it might include overnights but I don't know 100%.

The risk of twins again would likely be low this time as twins run in ex’s family and he's a twin himself.

Of course, I don't just want another DC so they'll play together but it is a reason that I don't want a big age gap as if it's 10+ years it'll technically be like raising an only child.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 22/02/2023 15:57

I’m pretty sure the man as in the sperm doesn’t dictate twins is your body/eggs. My biological knowledge may off but I’m sure he determines sex and not much else.

raguragu · 22/02/2023 16:00

💯 NO!

shieldmaiden7 · 22/02/2023 16:07

If you have the time, space and money to do so then do what makes you happy

SaltedButty · 22/02/2023 16:11

@PacificallyRequested doesn't make it any less hurtful, just because you agree with it.

User6761 · 22/02/2023 16:11

The risk of twins again would likely be low this time as twins run in ex’s family and he's a twin himself.

Sorry, but I have to clear up this confusion. Twins are either a result of the fertilised egg splitting (resulting in monozygotic i.e. identical twins) which is generally a random event, or due to two eggs being fertilised (resulting in dizygotic i.e. non-identical twins) as a result of the woman releasing more than one egg at ovulation - the propensity for this can be genetic, and also increases with age.

Flymetothetoon · 22/02/2023 16:14

axndreial · 22/02/2023 15:55

The twins don't see their father very often at the moment, and in the future they may and it might include overnights but I don't know 100%.

The risk of twins again would likely be low this time as twins run in ex’s family and he's a twin himself.

Of course, I don't just want another DC so they'll play together but it is a reason that I don't want a big age gap as if it's 10+ years it'll technically be like raising an only child.

Sorry but you are ill informed. Twins run down the maternal side not paternal. A man's sperm does not cause a woman to conceive a twin pregnancy - it's the egg that counts ie splitting to create identicals or releasing 2 eggs to create fraternals.

Flymetothetoon · 22/02/2023 16:15

Cross post with user above.

Isthisexpected · 22/02/2023 16:29

You don't seem to understand biology.

I agree that it's quite selfish to "other" a third child who will have no role model from the get go. Completely different to a child losing their parent through death or estrangement.

I also believe just because we have the scientific ability to create life for single parents doesn't mean it's best for a child.

CharlotteRose90 · 22/02/2023 16:33

If you have the money to fund it then why not. It’s what men donate their sperm for. If that’s the only to have another child then do it.