Tedious performative under eaters

[SlimPig]

The thread about the PIL's measly portions reminded me of this, and how iritating it is. I remember once at work they bought us all fish and chips on one friday afternoon. When it arrived the two other women started their bs as soon as they were handed their box - oohh the weight of that! I'll never eat all that! Hadn't even opened it and looked at it yet.

Then, once opened, both of them, oh my god, I'll never eat all that (measly takeaway cardboard box portion, not a massive, in paper, large portion) ooh dear, we won't need dinner, or breakfast tomorrow now will we! Don't think I can eat my peas too, I'm so stuffed. I'm going to need to go for two runs tomorrow now! On and on, through the whole meal.

I was starving and had to make a conscious effort to eat it slowly because they were fucking about and pushing it round the box and I didn't want to look a pig, I'm a fast eater anyway, but that meal was just so god awful! In the end I just ate it at my normal speed.

Why? Why do people do this? Why can't they just eat their food normally? Why does everything have to be justified and offset? Just strikes me as so sad that they couldn't just eat their food without a whole performance (infront of all the men in the office, only 3 women there, me and them) of how birdlike they normally eat 😥

Can you not see it can be embarrassing to be seen as rude, wasteful, performative, disordered, judgemental, trying to make others feel bad, whatever bloody else, for not wanting or finishing a portion that is just simply a lot more food than that individual is able to or wants to eat?

Sure. But that's not what performative and competitive undereating is. It's not the eating, it's the commentary.

Sheesh, there are people on here with English as their second language who understand the difference. How much clearer does it need to be?

But the performative undereaters in my family comment openly on what other people are having. They are really explicit about it. I could share a lot of stories.

God yes - the you'll never eat all actually out rights stated to others as well as the implied criticism.

We also get stories about the amount other's eat - last time IL stopped at hotel and went on and on about amount a young lad I'd never met consumed - I did point out that may have been a meal to last all day till he got back to hotel.

MIL used to offer me breakfast - not a big fan of - and then I'd decline and after I couldn't rescind that I'd be told plan was as we were out not to eat till the evening ( I quickly learnt to eat something) - hence why I was surprised they hadn't considered the young man may be doing the same.

If you're served more than you can eat, it's fine to politely apologise AFTER you're done 'that was lovely, just a bit more than I could eat today'... and then leave it at that.

To start up about it the minute it is served, and then to keep going on and on about it during and after, that's not fine, thats fucking irritating and performative.

It is SO difficult for people who don't want to finish their food/empty their plate/eat a dessert - or whatever - just NOT twitter on about it? It's incredibly boring when it's the constant refrain (and in some people it is).

Just eat it or don't eat it but do shut up and let other people get on with what they're eating with comment or censure.

... withOUT comment or censure!

I thought the OP’s point is that the performative undereaters themselves are drawing attention to it, and that that’s annoying. And that by drawing attention to it they are making others potentially feel self conscious/watched/judged.

It means the occasion ceases to be people enjoying a meal together and becomes one person's exercise in having everyone validate their need to be acknowledged as the lightest eater in the room, or on earth. Or more than one person's. As I mentioned earlier, my CUE sister once went to stay with another CUE relative and I heard second hand about the scene at breakfast. Ooh, I only eat one Weetabix, I couldn't possibly manage two. Oh yeah? Well I don't even eat one Weetabix, look, I cut it in half. Oh, well, normally I don't eat even one, I must be hungry from the journey, look, I'll cut mine even smaller...I wish I'd seen it, I really do. If you just don't eat much and don't say anything about it, relax, we're not talking about you.

What is actually being asked of the small appetite people here?

That you eat what you want and don't say anything about it except for how nice it is.

Is that so hard?

"If you just don't eat much and don't say anything about it, relax, we're not talking about you."

@ReneBumsWombats Really? Wasn't it you who wondered why someone would bother with a friend who'd just order a coffee when they met during the day? Just that fact alone meant the friend wasn't worth her time, apparently.

Yes, because it's weird and antisocial to meet specifically for a meal and then not eat. Especially when it's on a regular basis.

I’ve read the thread. There’s a hundred posts talking about how performative it is when women don’t order food, leave food on their plates, or decline invitations to eating scenarios on the basis they don’t eat that meal or whatever.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You yourself just said it’s antisocial to not order food 🤔

I’m saying you can’t win. You’re not allowed to mention not wanting food or food being too much for you, but you clearly are, having read 30 pages of this thread, heavily judged for just eating what you want - if that’s not deemed “enough” by those around you.

Pretty sure the post said the friend was always keen to meet up, for 'coffee, brunch, lunch..." - ie, keen to meet during the day, like lots of people do, not specifically for a meal.

Unusual to always order only coffee? Absolutely. Damning indictment of her character? Possibly not.

When I was younger I was thin & ate loads. People would comment on my weight & say I didn’t deserve it, & that one day I would wake up & be the size of a house. I never did, maybe a small bungalow.

Years later I’ve gained a few stone, & can no longer eat what I used to. I wish I could as I really enjoy my food, but I just can’t. No one is more disappointed about this than I am. Those same people now say that I don’t eat much, am I OK …. Aaaaaah!

I could ask why they always leave a bit of food on their plate when I know that they really want it. Or why say that they love, & eat, loads of salad & vegetables, not that you’d know it. They constantly pick at food on the sly, yet say they’ve not eaten for 3 days. I’ve been told if I eat slowly & pause in between courses (I can only eat 1 course) I too will be able to eat more. I just tell them I can’t eat that much.

Brunch and lunch are meals. If you invite someone to brunch or lunch, it's an expectation that you eat.

It is a pass agg way of drawing attention to comparative light eating, especially when it's frequent. The poster was obviously annoyed by it as she mentioned it here. She liked the person enough to put up with it, which is her prerogative. I probably wouldn't, but I've had a bellyful (lol) of performative, competitive undereaters. It's rude, joyless and depressing.

Yeah, if someone wants to meet for lunch or brunch it is meal.
If you just want to meet for drink say for drink.

I think no one would question "let's meet up for dinner". It would be meal. So why is brunch and lunch not

I have had times when I'd do this for financial reasons. I would have toast or something first at home, does this make it OK ?

Why would you suggest going for meal or meat up at meal time if you can't afford it? That's what "let's go for coffee" is for not "let's meet up for brunch" as in that example.
People will expect eating and it is very awkward to eat a meal when the other person isn't for most.

Brunch and lunch are meals. If you invite someone to brunch or lunch, it's an expectation that you eat.

But if you say “I don’t usually eat lunch/had a big breakfast/don’t have the appetite for it, how about coffee?” that is also being called out here as the problem. That’s drawing attention to it, competitive, performative, going on about it, etc.

I’m not misunderstanding the thread, I’m calling out the hypocrisy. There is no acceptable way you can go about having a small appetite, every response is scoffed at as more rude theatre to make others feel bad.

Jesus, imagine getting this offended because you know someone is going to eat less than you.

And people will say ‘I’m not offended it’s just boring’ but honestly it is being offended and comes from a place where the poster is also overly concerned about how much they are eating because I can’t even think of a time I noticed how much someone was eating or whether they commented on it being a lot of food or not.

Oh ffs. Is all this misunderstanding purposeful?

Really ? As I said upthread I couldn't give a monkey's. When the DC were small I often ate early before joining others who were eating dinner in order to save a few pounds, bizzare to find this unacceptable, genuinely what difference does it make ?

Urgh, the title of this thread is to do with Performative/Competitive UnderEaters. Can someone just make a different thread for whatever it’s called when people who have small appetites are criticised/made to feel bad by others or when they encounter Feeders…I’m sure someone will think of a pithier title!

I get shitty comments about how slowly I eat, which I find really rude. I don't do the other things in your OP though and don't care about calories and weight and stuff like that. Whether it's salad or cake, I still eat it slowly😂

I'm sure that the poster who shared the story would not have posted it on a thread about performative undereating if she thought the issue was that the friend was in dire straits and couldn't afford the meal (which would beg the question of why she would arrange it). It was obviously because this person wanted to create the expectation of a meal so she could conspicuously not have one. It's a long term thing, according to the poster.