Tedious performative under eaters

[SlimPig]

The thread about the PIL's measly portions reminded me of this, and how iritating it is. I remember once at work they bought us all fish and chips on one friday afternoon. When it arrived the two other women started their bs as soon as they were handed their box - oohh the weight of that! I'll never eat all that! Hadn't even opened it and looked at it yet.

Then, once opened, both of them, oh my god, I'll never eat all that (measly takeaway cardboard box portion, not a massive, in paper, large portion) ooh dear, we won't need dinner, or breakfast tomorrow now will we! Don't think I can eat my peas too, I'm so stuffed. I'm going to need to go for two runs tomorrow now! On and on, through the whole meal.

I was starving and had to make a conscious effort to eat it slowly because they were fucking about and pushing it round the box and I didn't want to look a pig, I'm a fast eater anyway, but that meal was just so god awful! In the end I just ate it at my normal speed.

Why? Why do people do this? Why can't they just eat their food normally? Why does everything have to be justified and offset? Just strikes me as so sad that they couldn't just eat their food without a whole performance (infront of all the men in the office, only 3 women there, me and them) of how birdlike they normally eat 😥

We joke about it but my mother is very much a "Oh, I ate yesterday" as the reason why she has no appetite for anything the following day. And eating out once apparently covers at least a day and a half of meals in her mind. It's exhausting and takes all the fun out of sharing meals with her.

So true. Exactly this in the book I’m reading at the moment. Super woman, who’s a doctor, mother to a young child, managing an elderly mother with dementia. Little time to fuel herself and will just sleep after a giant glass of wine as she’s not got the energy to make herself a meal after a long shift and juggling the family life. Are we supposed to admire this?

I also have a husband that on the odd day when I’ve gone in to the office, rather than make his own lunch, will make a big song and dance about how hungry he is whilst we get tea ready when I get home. Just helpless, needy and it just blows me away. I don’t react anymore, it’s his own lazy doing.

I can also guarantee after every Sunday lunch we’ve had at the MIL’s she will sit back and say ‘ooh well at least we won’t need to make tea later.’ Not true in my case, I’ll still have something defrosting out the freezer ready for later when I’m hungry again 😂

I had the opportunity to invite four people to an all you can eat and drink (champagne) meal once at a lovely restaurant. The food came in sort of tapas size portions but the amount you could order was unlimited. They came around topping up glasses. I had to think very carefully who to invite. I decided not to invite some friends as I know they would have killed the vibe with competitive under eating and drinking. It was a night of indulgence but I just knew they would have stopped eating very early on (which is fine) but then 'jokingly' commented on how much everyone else was eating and drinking. There is a cold kind of austerity and judgmental quality to this behaviour that makes others feel self conscious.

I get the sense this often is typically WASP ish behaviour. I lived in Asia a while and this never happened in group setting with Asians. I get the sense that Italians and Spaniards don't typically do this either.

Interesting info about Victorian women and southern belles. My sister does this - she's actually very large but never eats in front of others; she'll do the whole "oh my goodness I could never eat all that" before picking at food, leaving 3/4 on her plate and making faces at those of us eating our meals. I know for a fact though that she's stuffing herself beforehand and wants to be seen as having a dainty appetite in public so that people don't fat shame her. In doing so, she's probably contributing to her weight issues. It's really sad and I hate the fact that society does this to people.

Which leads me to... my mother! Yes, my sister has picked this up very close to home. Mum is the oscar winner of performance under eaters and policing others' plates. DH and I now regualrly quote one of her most ridiculous moments whenever one of us asks the other what we fancy for lunch; "Lunch? LUNCH??? You had lunch yesterday! I can't beelive you're eating lunch two days in a row. Oh it makes me ill to think about it".

But one of the worst offenders I've known was a man. We were out for dinner for SiL's birthday and I ended up sitting opposite her father. We had some shared garlic bread on the table as a starter, then the mains came - a decent but not particualrly oversized plate of pasta for me. "You're not going to actually eat that after having that slice of bread?!" was his first comment and then he spent the rest of the meal giving the whole table a running commentary; "she's going in again for another forkful, I just don't believe it. Would you look at that. She's still going. I've never seen a woman each so much food, it's disgusting. Surely you must be full by now, no? You're still eating? She actually eat that whole bowl - I feel sick just thinking about it".

I'll bet Melanie pre-ate!

😄

@DesignforLife please tell me you called him out for it. What a disgusting man.

@ItsCalledAConversation Nice bit of size shaming there 😳 Reported

DesignforLife that’s awful! Did you say anything? What an arsehole!!

Yes. Some “New York” fiction like Lauren Weisberger and Candace Bushnell the women are all US size 4 and seem to make it their life mission to eat as little as possible!

You could legally have murdered him in circumstances like this.

Justifiable homicide - not a jury of Mumsnetters in the land would convict!

I REALLY hope you reported that to your company boss/HR

I've been invited to a quiz evening later this month. It said you could bring snacks, but the timing of it plus travel covers most available times I would eat a meal. My first instinct is great a quiz, next when will I eat dinner?

My former anorexic self (and most of MN) would be appalled.

I'm a runner. You wouldn't believe how much food takes over conversation. Usually where is it? Is there enough? Once the club organised a dinner, and there was no desert on the menu. (Which was of great concern when pre-booking the meal) And then a buffet of desserts but possibly not enough for one each. There was nearly a riot trying to get to them!🤣🤣

Apparently men like to think that a wife won't cost much to feed.

Didn't Prince Harry literally justify his request for funding from Charles for Meghan by telling him that she didn't eat much (and sewed her own clothes)?

This comment betrays exactly the message behind your "I've got such a teeny tiny appetite" comment. You think that people with a normal appetite should be ashamed. You're ashamed of feeding yourself and think that women who feed themselves properly should be ashamed too.

I don't care if you eat a teeny tiny amount. Eat as much or as little as you want. Just keep your shaming comments to yourself.

I did ask him to stop commenting on it, as did a few others ("yes, Bob, we're all enjoying our food", kind of thing). I'd never met him before and hopefully won't do again - ot at least will know not to sit near him. If I'm ever in a situation where he is picking on someone else in this way, I'll definitely speak up. I find it easier to defend others than myself.

I'd forgotten that! 😂

I can just see her now, delicately nibbling a stick of celery while re-purposing a few old pillowcases into a ballgown . . .

In response to what the OP actually said - yes, I fully agree. If I'm eating out, or having something as a treat, I don't want the joy sucked out of it by women (and it is nearly always women) banging on about calories and portion sizes and stuff. It ruins the vibe.

And as others have pointed out, as well as totally missing the point (when they said "why can't they eat normally?" it meant "without the tedious commentary" not "the same amount as me") the competitive under-eaters have come to show off about how little they have. Loaded language everywhere - "fucking hate" fish and chips, greasy, fatty, others "stuffing" and "wolfing" it down, suggestions that anyone who is not like them should or does feel "bad" or "ashamed".

When I was younger I found it easier to stay slim, I ate in moderation, was active. This did include eating fish and chips and cake from time to time when I pleased. Not every day, but I would enjoy my food. I was slim and healthy. Why should I feel "ashamed" or "bad"? What for?

I'm now middle-aged and I can't eat as much without weight gain now. I'm still in the same size clothes and I still enjoy treats occasionally but I've reined it back a bit in general. But what I haven't done is banged on to everyone else about it, especially not if we were out for dinner. I've just got on with it. I've declined biscuits etc with a simple "no thanks, I'm ok". If I go out for dinner, I have what I like.

It's fine to not want fish and chips for lunch or to simply not like it. It's fine to eat a quarter of a sandwich. It's fine to do whatever the hell you want. Say no to the fish and chips. Eat a bit and chuck the rest. Whatever. Just don't go on and on about "greasy" this and that and how you couldn't possibly eat all that and so on, and how it's "so much".

The only comment I ever make about someone else's lunch if we're eating together is "ooh, that looks good!" Or nothing.

Do the people saying they're sure Spanish and Italian women don't do this realise that in mediterranean countries you don't have a big, many course lunch with bigger than usual portions- e.g. Sunday lunch style, then also have dinner.

We went recently for a family event which was held at lunchtime on Saturday. The lunch bit itself lasted at least 3h. No, nobody at the table said "at least we won't need to make dinner later!" But that's because it was a bloody given!

I eat a normal amount for a woman my age, size and activity levels, (which are v high). Nobody in either my home country or my DH's home country have ever accused me of not eating enough, etc etc. but here in the UK it happens all the bloody time. Always from women and mostly from people who hardly know me! It's insanely rude. There's literally nothing I can respond to it that wouldn't be rude or nasty back, which is actually really unfair. Why do people love to comment on the eating habits of others in this country? It just doesn't occur to me to do this.

If it was a Jilly Cooper book, our heroine would replace the water with a 'slosh of neat whisky in a chipped toothmug'.

Exactly this. It's so annoying. As I said, my DH said (when he was on a VERY strict diet!) 'I notice you eat a lot when I am dieting' even though I just eat a normal amount for a woman my size and height and build etc (average!) It is SO RUDE to comment on peoples eating!

Also yeah, people in other countries DO eat the same as us, but they are much more active on the whole, and will walk and cycle a lot more, whereas us British will take the car when it's a ten minute walk sometimes!!!

If we had a Mediterranean climate, I'm sure we'd spend more time outdoors! You eat less in warm weather too.

Similar in film as well

@Natty13 the opposite of the performative under eater in this country is the 'feeder' - which it seems you have come across. Equally as annoying at the other end of the spectrum. 'Is that all you are having, you will waste away', 'go on, a slice of cake won't kill you', 'why don't you just take some anyway and have it later', 'Oh go on, I will cut you a small bit [cuts massive slice].'

It is just as bad and just as annoying.

My friend who does this used to say how delicious chocolate brownies from M&S were, but she couldn't possibly manage a whole one. For a long time I was imagining a large-ish brownie square. Imagine my surprise when I finally saw them: about 3cm by 6 or 7. Just a tiny thing clearly meant to be eaten in one go.