Childfree people ranting about parents

[the7Vabo]

Came across a thread on another site full of people ranting about children entitled “parents not everything is about you.” I get it to a point, as a parent I think society has become somewhat a overly child-centred. I assume however that the odd stories you see about parents demanding people give up train seats for ten year olds are just that, the odd story of unreasonable behaviour that people in all groups can be guilty of.

The extent of the comments on that thread baffled me. Full of I’m so glad I don’t have children because X, Y. It’s one thing to want to be child free which to me is a perfectly valid life choice, but I’m baffled by the level of bitching about parents & children. If someone wants to be child free why can’t they simply be child free & accept that others didn’t make that choice instead of ranting about how parents are always on at them about how fulfilled they are while at the same time ranting about how terrible it would be to have kids.

Some people think keeping the planet overpopulated with human is more important than looking after animals, utterly selfish

For what it's worth I support women who have children, I'm a great boss to pregnant women and parents (feedback I have received I'm not just saying it), I fully supportive womens right to freely choose how many children to have. I weekly babysit for a disabled neighbours who finds it hard to look after her children at the weekend and needa a break and i am certainly not hostile to parents

But the overwhelming superiority that comes from some people, parents or not, that humans are automatically more important than animals really pisses me off because that attitude is just as harmful

Child less person by choice and I’m regularly told on SM that I don’t know what true love is, that the best achievement is to raise a child and anything else means nothing in comparison, that I can’t feel tired, that I don’t know what being busy is… I could go on.

This is one of the most horrible posts I've seen in a long time.

"You don't know what you're missing."

"Personally, I think it looks a shit life" - I couldn't agree more 😁

I've seen poor management of pregnant people and parents by male and female managers both with and without children

In my experience if a female manager with children demands things that the parent thinks are unreasonable or inflexible they say she's a bad manager.

If a manager without children does the same it's blamed on her not having children

I've been told by a former colleague that I would only be a "complete woman" if I married and had children.

She even said that instead of a nice birthday gift my colleagues gave me, the money should have gone on a classified ad in the newspaper to "find me a husband". I was 25.
Almost 20 years later, still no husband or children - at least of my own. I have brought up my brother from the time he was 12 yet, somehow, this doesn't count.

I often get told "Oh, you're so good with children, such a shame that you don't have your own. Are you sure you don't want any, if you tried, I'm sure you could have one". It is hurtful and, quite honestly, insulting. It sounds like I'm defective.

Genuinely no

"If someone wants to be child free why can’t they simply be child free & accept that others didn’t make that choice instead of ranting about how parents are always on at them about how fulfilled they are while at the same time ranting about how terrible it would be to have kids."

Likewise, if someone wants to be a parent, why can't they simply be a parent and accept that others didn't (or couldn't) make that choice instead of ranting about how non-parents are always on at them about how fulfilled they are while at the same time ranting about how terrible it must be to not have kids.

I don't have kids. In the last couple of weeks I've been asked to give up my seat on public transport for a child (I refused), I've had a parent and child skip the queue for a public toilet simply because they are a child (I have a condition that means I need to go urgently!), I've had someone push in front of me in a supermarket queue because their child was "getting cranky" - none of these parents politely asked, they just did it. I've had a friend not invite me to a planned event because apparently she assumes I'll be bored as it'll be mostly parents (my friends!), I've had a facebook friend request from a uni friend I'd lost touch with who then sent a message commenting on the fact I don't have children before mentioning any other aspect of my or her life. I've had a friend complain about the cost of living crisis which she says is worse for her because she is a mother (yes and she also has a partner with a second income).

I've had a lovely manager at work when my DC were very small and she didn't have children, but she was just a very lovely person and a good manager who appeared to be empathetic regardless of situation.

It’s interesting about the only seeing these conversations online point. Can we assume people don’t care in real life if these conversations are online. Are they masking it in real life?

To the poster who described the awful comments you’ve received on MN above I’m so sorry. I think that sometimes people run away with themselves online don’t moderate themselves & say things that I’m not sure they really mean. Not that it’s much comfort.

I’ve noticed some comments on this thread about childfree people needing pity. I can see how a childfree person would react to that.

It just seems to me both sides people swing towards these extremes but both struggle to see it.

Id love if parental status was less of a priority on both sides, but you could say the same about other issues I suppose.

Because child having is seen as 'the norm' and being child free is seen as abnormal. Daily we are reminded of this
Social media ' you don't know love until you have a child', 'famalam is everything', 'my world.. nothing else matters' 'post a picture that shows how wonderful it is to be mama and tag your mama friends'
At work today I was told that a job we are doing is important 'for the world our kids will grow up in - do it for them', every social event must be altered to something dull and drippy for 'those with kids', 'yeah but he's got kids' for someone who doesn't lift a finger at work and barely turns up.

I am constantly othered by even good friends with kids. Not invited to parties 'oh it's just my mummy friends'. 'You don't know them they are kiddy friends' (about two people who work in my industry who I know are great but have never met. Like I must be kept apart from them lest I infect them with infertility or a lack of mothering instinct.

I've been ignored and even sneered at by people when they find out I don't have children

Child havers seem to able to crow about their wonderful lives and scoff at their lives before kids and how they are glad they don't have to do that stuff any more. We are simply doing the same and trying to deflect and counter the continuous othering and exclusion the child free sometimes feel in close and wider society.

Your kids are everything I presume so why are you bothered?

CrystalCoco, well this proves the point the OP is making and actually IME the jovial mockery of being a parent is the kind of 'jokes' that you experience when you have children and a majority don't. My DH has been mocked for being a teenage Dad as he is 41 with a 15 year old. As he is an Associate Director in Architecture this it seems quite a rarity and something to remark on. In all honesty, he doesn't care as he sees it as an exchange of jokes which outside of MN is what most real life is like.

It was happening on the forum/threads the op is mentioning, that’s why the newest thread is titled the way it is, it’s just a joke/comeback to the parents who were going on the thread to be nasty, it’s not meant to be applied to all parents or general life, just those specific few who were bullying/being nasty to the childfree forum users both on that thread to those users and on other threads amongst themselves. They were told off by admin but they’re still doing it so the thread users used that thread title because that’s how those few parents were behaving.

Obviously DH wasn't actually a 'teenage Dad' but the idea of having your first child at nearly 26 is an alien concept!

I loved my unborn children so much that I chose to never ever bring them into this awful place.

I get it in real life all the time. Just as recently as last week I was told by a colleague that DH and I aren't a "real family". I am regularly asked by acquaintances why I don't have children. Imagine if I asked parents why they chose to have children?

I see both sides.

As someone who was once child free by choice and now I want children, I’ve been called abnormal and unnatural. Selfish for not wanting to have children.

It can be quite draining having to defend a decision over my life. Sometimes I think it comes from parents or people who want children feeling that someone actively making the opposite choice to them is somehow a judgement on their choice.

I also think there’s an element of jealousy at play.

On the flip side and to be honest I’ve seen some much nastier comments from the child free people towards parents and children. I’ve seen parents referred to as breeders, children as crotch goblins, and much more derogatory terms that are regularly used to describe parents and children.

I’ve been a part of child free groups on FB and some of the posters seem to live their entire lives on there obsessing about their choice to not have children. And how can they hate on children and parents even more. It’s peculiar.

Don’t get me wrong I do understand the frustration that they experience but it doesn’t fully justify the vitriol.

I also think we have a culture of making parenthood and children seem terrible and that having children will ruin your life which isn’t the case and could further encourage people to not have children.

Ah ok thanks for the background. I think I was guilty of jumping to a conclusion without the full facts on that one.

No. If you say I can’t have children then you get the silence and it’s such a shame how terrible you should adopt scenario.
if you say I don’t want children you are faced with the you must be a monster treatment.

I now just openly refer to myself as a smug childfree.

in terms of it not affecting us, societal change really has affected us. Mostly at work - the childfree are expected to pick up all the out of hours work and are often last on the list for annual leave.

Galleries and museums are now full of kids running about - I think an MN person wrote an article about how pathetic we are if we want peace and quiet to look at paintings. Pubs and restaurants - do they let you in without a baby and/or dog?!

Parents not parenting leads to kids in gangs. I use the Tube all the time and parents expect seats to be given up for children as a norm. The mind boggles.

I had my children in my 40s so was childfree by choice for a long time and some of the things said to me were frankly ridiculous. You must be such a disappointment to your parents. You're not a real woman until you have children. You're selfish. What's the point of existing if you don't have children. And of course, everyone's favourite, you'll never know real love if you don't have children.
No one has ever said anything negative to me about having them.
The comments about pitying childfree (by choice) women are daft. Before I had my kids I was having an absolute blast and had no need for pity. I wouldn't give my kids up for the world but my life before them wasn't some miserable, unfulfilled hell hole.

That poster said what I was thinking with admirable brevity 😅

JorisBonson, yes and questions about why you 'have had' children are more frequent as well. How can a majority of people be mocked with such a falling birth rate. This doesn't make any sense.

Also most people are child free for a lot of their lives, so don't you think we have already been subjected to a lot of the arguments child free people on here are saying? I was pushing 40 before having mine...do you not think I have experienced working over Xmas when parents have holiday? or paid taxes towards stuff that I haven't used? or being subjected to other people's children prior to having my own? Or been asked if I would like kids/when am I having them etc etc???
Just because permanently child free people get this, doesn't mean that parents (note we are not 'child havers') haven't also experienced this. They are not mutually exclusive.