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Original poster

Childfree people ranting about parents

1000 replies

the7Vabo · 22/02/2023 09:59

Came across a thread on another site full of people ranting about children entitled “parents not everything is about you.” I get it to a point, as a parent I think society has become somewhat a overly child-centred. I assume however that the odd stories you see about parents demanding people give up train seats for ten year olds are just that, the odd story of unreasonable behaviour that people in all groups can be guilty of.

The extent of the comments on that thread baffled me. Full of I’m so glad I don’t have children because X, Y. It’s one thing to want to be child free which to me is a perfectly valid life choice, but I’m baffled by the level of bitching about parents & children. If someone wants to be child free why can’t they simply be child free & accept that others didn’t make that choice instead of ranting about how parents are always on at them about how fulfilled they are while at the same time ranting about how terrible it would be to have kids.

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Spectre8 · 23/02/2023 00:52

TwinsAndTiramisu · 23/02/2023 00:24

Essentially yes.

Except my experience is not unique. I am an individual yes. With no extreme exceptional circumstances. And whilst I can't of course, speak for every person pre/post child, my experience falls into the pattern of most mothers.

The woman next door to me might feel way worse. Or better. The point is, we both changed in the same direction following parenthood.

Your last sentence - a parent has experienced things that a childfree person categorically hasn’t - is about tiredness.

No it's not. It's just stating that parents have experienced things that non parents have not. Loads of things. Good and bad.

You weren’t saying “I thought I was tired before but I wasn’t”. You were saying “I know tired that you don’t”. That’s why people are saying you’re invalidating them. Because you are.

I literally go on to say how I would now laugh at my former self thinking how I would declare I was exhausted before. I absolutely know tired that she didn't. And if another woman, childfree, and comparable to my younger self said the same, I would know how that doesn't compare to how most mothers feel once they've had a child. Why does explaining my actual lived experience make someone less valid. It's true, whether they like it or not.

If DS was complaining about the amount of revision for his GCSEs, and I told him "you wait til A Levels" does that mean I'm uber competitive and want to invalidate him and think he's got nothing to even complain about? No. It means I've done GCSES and A levels, and I know the latter is much harder. Again, true, whether he likes it or not.

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And your tiredness comes from what? Running about all day, entertaining kids in the evening? Having to go to bed late and be woken up throughout the night and then early wake up.

There are plenty of childfree people who can have one of those days and nights too.

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 00:53

But it doesn't matter if bungee jumping is scarier or if raising children is more tiring. We are not bungee jumping nor raising children. It is irrelevant to our tiredness. It makes no sense to comment on it. We're tired because we're tired.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/02/2023 00:53

By saying "you dont know fear until you've bungee jumped", doesn't mean you're suddenly invalidating every time I've ever felt scared.

It does though. It’s literally saying that because this person and millions of others have bungee jumped and found it the scariest, you don’t know what fear is. That your frightening experiences are lesser. how is it not invalidating?!

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 00:59

We didn't say "I'm so tired. Change my mind!"
We're not looking for a comparison.
Your experience of having children isn't relevant to our tiredness.
Just let us be tired.
And let your son know it's normal to feel stressed about GCSEs and he's doing well.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/02/2023 01:00

I think this thread has made me more tired than I’ve ever been in my life.

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 01:03

Right! You don't know tiredness until you've spent 6 hours arguing about tiredness with a parent on MN.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/02/2023 01:04

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 01:03

Right! You don't know tiredness until you've spent 6 hours arguing about tiredness with a parent on MN.

😂😂😂

ConfusedNT · 23/02/2023 01:04

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/02/2023 01:00

I think this thread has made me more tired than I’ve ever been in my life.

It's tedious isn't it

I limit myself to 3 childless people are selfish and mean threads a year because they are all so so similar and depressing

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/02/2023 01:08

ConfusedNT · 23/02/2023 01:04

It's tedious isn't it

I limit myself to 3 childless people are selfish and mean threads a year because they are all so so similar and depressing

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I might steal that rule, it’s a good one.

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 01:09

Next week there will be a thread about a childless auntie prioritising her big dog over her dog-phobic nephew in her own house. Cue more selfish and mean comments.

Reugny · 23/02/2023 01:52

BadNomad · 23/02/2023 01:09

Next week there will be a thread about a childless auntie prioritising her big dog over her dog-phobic nephew in her own house. Cue more selfish and mean comments.

Don't blame her if her nephew was like my DD....

If you want unconditional love get a dog but choose the right breed.

Ilikepinacoladass · 23/02/2023 02:38

BadNomad · 22/02/2023 10:58

I think a lot of the time it is because of the attitude that people must make allowances for other people's lifestyle choices. It's especially irritating if you have purposely chosen to not have children of your own, but are then expected to tolerate/accommodate them anyway.

More people need to be making the 'lifestyle choice' to have children, as we are facing population decline and an aging population, as China is right now!

Ilikepinacoladass · 23/02/2023 02:39

Having kids isn't all just about doing it for the fun of it

Mamai90 · 23/02/2023 02:59

I suffered from infertility so didn't have children until my late thirties. It was hinted at by friends that I wouldn't know what love was til I had a child. Basic strangers would say it to my face. I adore my nephews, they are like sons to me and I was told 'wait until you have your own'. It fucking infuriated me because I knew they were wrong, I love my nephews like a mother and I had to have children of my own to prove it. You don't need to be a parent to know real love.

So I think people without children have to put up with a lot more shit than parents do. Maybe it's made some people bitter.

gemloving · 23/02/2023 06:50

@ConfusedNT the love for my parents is different than for my child, so is the love for my husband.

I've had a wonderful loving childhood and a great relationship with my parents, so it's not a second time around, it's different.

He's wonderful, man of my dreams but it'll never be unconditional.

The love for your children truly is unique and unconditional. It's instinctual, primal love. You'd do ANYTHING to protect them in a life or death situation and I know my mother feels the same for. If you are childless, can you truly say you'd protect someone with your life and wouldn't even think about it for a second?

gemloving · 23/02/2023 06:55

@ConfusedNT but as with anything, that is my opinion. I've never really spoken about it openly except for my husband lol sorry mate, protecting the kids, not you in a life death situation sort of joke.

I completely get why people don't have kids. I have quite a few childless friends and we have a laugh. We don't discuss the children much just because they don't have any and aren't that interested so that's fine. It's more about, work, travel, old times, what's happening type of things whereas with other parents you talk about the kids a lot more.

ConfusedNT · 23/02/2023 07:30

gemloving · 23/02/2023 06:50

@ConfusedNT the love for my parents is different than for my child, so is the love for my husband.

I've had a wonderful loving childhood and a great relationship with my parents, so it's not a second time around, it's different.

He's wonderful, man of my dreams but it'll never be unconditional.

The love for your children truly is unique and unconditional. It's instinctual, primal love. You'd do ANYTHING to protect them in a life or death situation and I know my mother feels the same for. If you are childless, can you truly say you'd protect someone with your life and wouldn't even think about it for a second?

Yes my neices and nephews without a seconds thought

If you have neices or nephews and you wouldn't instinctively protect them without a seconds thought thats on you, but don't project that on me

JorisBonson · 23/02/2023 08:00

Why are people with children still describing themselves as childfree 🤦🏻‍♀️

FrostyFifi · 23/02/2023 08:16

If you are childless, can you truly say you'd protect someone with your life and wouldn't even think about it for a second?

I've literally seen footage of people plunging into dangerous rivers and seas to rescue their dogs.

kc431 · 23/02/2023 08:16

All this stuff about tiredness - well yes, probably 90% of the average parents are more tired than me. I try and get 8+ hours sleep every night because I hate tiredness and don’t really cope with it. I left a festival I’d paid for and almost turned around at the airport and missed my holiday because I hadn’t had any sleep and felt so shit. That’s one of the many reasons I don’t want kids lol!

About unconditional love, I totally believe the love for children is different - biologically it kind of has to be to ensure you don’t just abandon them when they get annoying - and no I don’t love my family “unconditionally”, I love people proportionate to how much time/love they showed me in life, so my husband and mum first and then everyone else a lot less or not at all if they were barely in my life. But I don’t consider it “missing out” to not have something you never wanted, equally if you think I am missing out then sure - we can all have different opinions. I love skiing and think my friends who don’t want to try it are missing out. They obviously don’t think that because they have no interest in it! I have no interest in skydiving or eating blue cheese or going to New Zealand, but I don’t get abuse and arsey comments about life being pointless for those things like I do for being childfree.

Bippetyboppityboob · 23/02/2023 08:16

The love for your children truly is unique and unconditional. It's instinctual, primal love. You'd do ANYTHING to protect them in a life or death situation and I know my mother feels the same for. If you are childless, can you truly say you'd protect someone with your life and wouldn't even think about it for a second?

To be fair though that's not appealing to everyone and that's okay. Love takes many forms and personally I think there are other types that bring just as much joy and content. Of course I love my DS and yes I would protect them with my life, but that 'unconditional' love does actually have many conditions really, it's not without a cost. The love I have for my DH is not the same but to me its just as wonderful, and for other family members and friends.

Offwhite · 23/02/2023 08:36

@Bippetyboppityboob that is an excellent point.

I have a son and have the feelings described in the post you quoted in terms of there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect my child, but that’s not actually that pleasant a feeling. It’s driven by fear and worry. Life would be simpler without it.

Now he’s an adult I get the same pleasure out of my son’s company as many others do. He’s a fun person to be around and I’m happy to have his friendship in the same way others in his life are. As his mother I get the crappy parts too

KimberleyClark · 23/02/2023 08:53

Why is only your lived experience valid?

Because if you don't have an equal lived experience, what you have is basically theory and opinion.

But that is equally true of you and someone who has cared for an elderly parent with dementia. You don’t have that lived experience, you just have theory and opinion, so how can you say that child related tiredness is worse than that?

KimberleyClark · 23/02/2023 09:00

Sorry the above comment was meant for @TwinsAndTiramisu.

SweetSenorita · 23/02/2023 09:12

BadNomad · 22/02/2023 11:07

"You don't know what you're missing."

🤣🤣 We really do. That's why we elected to miss it 😚

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