To beg dh to have another dc

pinkyicing · 2023-02-22T08:21:36+00:00

I just don't know how to get over only having one dc. It's destroying me. I want another dc so much. When I met dh we discussed this and agreed I wanted three and he wanted two so we would have two dc. But after our first he kept making excuses why we should wait. It was always, I am starting a new job, we need to save more, we need to get this year out the way and see what happens. Now I'm thinking he's just lying. I'm so upset about it I think about it every day. Just really sad. Don't know where to put this sadness. Don't even know why I'm posting I suppose. Just really upset at how things have turned out and am starting to hate dh for it. Literally want to beg him for a dc. I'm 37 and don't think there's time now. I wish I'd known so I could have left him sooner I really thought we'd have another dc but as the years have gone on I realise he's just led me on.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 22/02/2023 08:31

No, unfortunately he's allowed to have his own choice too. To beg and plead and potentially manipulate him isn't fair.

BabyOnBoard90 · 22/02/2023 08:34

There's nothing in your post that suggests he's even flat out refused to have another child with you. Consequently, I thunk YABU.

You still have to see this year through to be eligible for maternity benefits anyway, so why not focus on your child and building your financial resilience.

Notimeforaname · 22/02/2023 08:34

You can leave now if you are starting to hate him. Do not beg.

SeaDee · 22/02/2023 08:44

I agree he has his own choice but it's really shitty of him if he said next month, next year etc but never intended to agree.

I really feel for you OP

Firsttimemum120 · 22/02/2023 08:49

I feel you but I’m 27 got a 14 month old and he’s already got 3 other children as well as ours so he doesn’t want anymore and his reason is to focus on our daughter as she is the only one he has access to full time. I want another to give her a sibling from me as I have a fear she’ll be on her own as she gets older and I don’t want that I love having my sisters and brother from my mum and don’t see my dads children.

You have to be completely honest with him tell him your feelings and fears and just let it be and hope he is honest with you in response. You can’t force him into doing something he don’t want it may well turn into resentment towards the baby and yourself just like you are gong to resent him for this choice

UdoU · 22/02/2023 08:49

37 is not too late. How is the rest of your marriage? You can have a child with someone else if you’re not happy with him.

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 09:01

I think it's sad that you would leave him for a mythical second child with a mythical someone else, so are there other issues in your marriage? He is entitled to not want more, but I get that it's hard for you. I have one child not through choice but I am learning to love our triangle family and its benefits. There is nothing wrong in having one child. I love DH tremendously and would never even contemplate leave him, though I'm aware my issues are different from yours.

JorisBonson · 22/02/2023 09:18

A child should be wanted to both parents. You should not beg or cajole somebody into this monumental decision.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 09:25

How old is the DC you’ve got? You seem to think his reasons are all rubbish or lies, that’s presumably not how sees them. It’s sensible to move first if you need more space, settle into a new job if it affects household income etc. There’s no evidence he’s led you on, your timeframes are just different. And 37 isn’t that old.

If you hate him then obviously leave him, your child deserves better than living in a home featuring hate between their mum and dad.

But your reaction to his not unreasonable reasons to delay a second child - delay not completely veto - is extreme and I doubt this is the only issue in your marriage.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/02/2023 09:27

JorisBonson · 22/02/2023 09:18

A child should be wanted to both parents. You should not beg or cajole somebody into this monumental decision.

Absolutely agree.

Totally unfair to all including the resulting new human.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 22/02/2023 09:29

Saying that you wish you'd known so you could leave him sooner doesn't suggest that your relationship is good enough to have another DC anyway. Would you really prefer to split up your existing child's family on the odds that you'll be able to find someone else to have more kids with?

YABU. He's entitled to not want more kids. You're entitled to want more, but not to manipulate him into giving them to you.

Unicornsaregreat · 22/02/2023 09:32

YABU

Why should your feelings trump DH’s feelings??

No one should have a child they don’t want to have

no child should be born to a parent who doesn’t want them

sorry you are hurting, but yes YABU

Original poster

pinkyicing · 22/02/2023 09:33

Thanks for the replies. My dc is 10. I am feeling so low about it. I think that's correct that I need to leave and move on. For me having no more dc is too much. I accept iabu then. Feels so unreasonable as feels like he has the rest of his life to ummm and errr about it whereas I know I don't have that luxury.
I have told him how I feel and he just moves onto whatever has to happen next in our lives that stops us having another dc.

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 22/02/2023 09:35

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 09:01

I think it's sad that you would leave him for a mythical second child with a mythical someone else, so are there other issues in your marriage? He is entitled to not want more, but I get that it's hard for you. I have one child not through choice but I am learning to love our triangle family and its benefits. There is nothing wrong in having one child. I love DH tremendously and would never even contemplate leave him, though I'm aware my issues are different from yours.

Is it leaving for a mythical second child though? Op feels lied to and led on. The resentment coming from that may well be a marriage killer.

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2023 09:37

I feel for you OP. If he knew from the start that you wanted 3 children and were already compromising by having 2 then he has behaved very selfishly.

Bookegg · 22/02/2023 09:37

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BlackbeardsToast · 22/02/2023 09:38

I feel for you, OP. However, the sad reality is that it would be unfair on the child to be created as a result of having to beg someone to co-create it with you.

A child should be wanted to both parents.

Absolutely. This isn't always possible but in this case, it is possible to avoid.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 22/02/2023 09:39

I don’t think yabu. I know every here will say the parent that doesn’t want, well that trumps the one who does, but I think your feelings are just as valid, and I think your dh is being very shitty for not being clear on how he feels. It would be easier to say an outright “no I don’t want any more” and that be it, then have you hanging on, waiting for him to be ready which may come too late, if at all. That just leads to resentment and once that is there in a relationship, it is very difficult to get rid of.
I think you definitely shouldn’t beg but you do need to have a serious talk and tell dh, that having a second child is important to you and if he doesn’t want one that is fine, but you need to know. And then you can make the decision about what is most important to you - your secure family unit as it is, or chasing your hearts desire. No one here can tell you which is right and wrong for you.

Original poster

pinkyicing · 22/02/2023 09:41

@fitzwilliamdarcy I think this feeling is so strong that yes I would break up because of this.

Especially being I am from a blended family so I don't think it's the be all and end to have two biological parents together for the sake of the dc.
it's making me this unhappy i think I will have to try to move on whilst our dc has a relationship with us separately. It's upsetting me that much. I have been waiting for just under 10 years to have another dc and my dh just keeps saying this has to happen that has to happen. I'm thinking it's just never going to now and I think the resentment will build to a point there's nothing left anyway.

I would not have a dc without his go ahead but I would have been willing to beg rather than leave but I can see that's not the best way forward. It's just sad. I think to stay here and wonder if he's ever going to say yes just seems like a waste of time now and time I can't reverse.

OP posts:

RobinGood · 22/02/2023 09:42

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 09:01

I think it's sad that you would leave him for a mythical second child with a mythical someone else, so are there other issues in your marriage? He is entitled to not want more, but I get that it's hard for you. I have one child not through choice but I am learning to love our triangle family and its benefits. There is nothing wrong in having one child. I love DH tremendously and would never even contemplate leave him, though I'm aware my issues are different from yours.

Yes, same here. I feel for you but it would be the height of selfishness to put your want for a future potential child who might never exist ahead of the happiness of the child you already have. Of course if there are other issues in the marriage the best thing for your family might be separation. But leaving for another baby isn’t, imo.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 22/02/2023 09:42

pinkyicing · 22/02/2023 09:33

Thanks for the replies. My dc is 10. I am feeling so low about it. I think that's correct that I need to leave and move on. For me having no more dc is too much. I accept iabu then. Feels so unreasonable as feels like he has the rest of his life to ummm and errr about it whereas I know I don't have that luxury.
I have told him how I feel and he just moves onto whatever has to happen next in our lives that stops us having another dc.

Just seen your update. Tell him this then. Tell him you feel you are in different life paths now and clearly want different things and therefore either counselling and compromise (and I 100% suggest couple counselling before you walk away), or it’s time you take your paths in your separate directions.

Original poster

pinkyicing · 22/02/2023 09:46

I have told him how I feel and he just makes more excuses like well I'm waiting for
Promotion
Bonus
New job
Long haul holiday
Better times
Me to get a better job

I have waited and waited. Fair enough people calling me selfish. But even so, I don't think there is much left in the relationship now I feel I like this. The want for another dc is so painful now. The first 5 years o quietly lived in hope. I've now spent 5 years supporting every 'next step' to our having a second and I'm done tbh.
He won't do counselling and says it's too expensive. I think I will have to have some alone as well. I know I won't get over not having another dc though.

OP posts:

Bookegg · 22/02/2023 09:47

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Original poster

pinkyicing · 22/02/2023 09:49

@Bookegg as tempting as that is I would not do that. I feel like I may as well walk away now and rather use a sperm donor then have him be disappointed in having another dc. Feeling like I should have gone about 5 years ago now as the resentment and hurt has just built up until I cry most weeks being sad when I see others having more dc etc

OP posts:

fairgame84 · 22/02/2023 09:51

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Disgusting suggestion.