To beg dh to have another dc

[pinkyicing]

I just don't know how to get over only having one dc. It's destroying me. I want another dc so much. When I met dh we discussed this and agreed I wanted three and he wanted two so we would have two dc. But after our first he kept making excuses why we should wait. It was always, I am starting a new job, we need to save more, we need to get this year out the way and see what happens. Now I'm thinking he's just lying.

I'm so upset about it I think about it every day. Just really sad. Don't know where to put this sadness. Don't even know why I'm posting I suppose. Just really upset at how things have turned out and am starting to hate dh for it. Literally want to beg him for a dc. I'm 37 and don't think there's time now. I wish I'd known so I could have left him sooner I really thought we'd have another dc but as the years have gone on I realise he's just led me on.

This stuck out for me too. OP is extremely selfish, it’s all about what she wants. Poor child.

@pinkyicing blaming your husband won't change how your decision impacts your child. They won't care who said what over the past ten years, only that their family is broken up because you were desperate for another child - and that's before they have to live through the reality of you focusing on having them bringing up a donor baby

I want another one too but my partner doesn't. 😕

Oh OP, I'd feel exactly the same.

Yes he's entitled to not want more but that doesn't make it any easier on you and he shouldn't have led you on.

The resentment will eat you up. I think you need to have a proper sit down discussion. Let him know that this is affecting your mental health and that you are very serious about wanting another child. Ultimately, he needs to know the impact for him to make a proper decision. If he really isn't going to have anymore then at least you know your options.

I doubt my dh would want dc 50:50 as I do a lot more than him anyway. He might but I do think it's a risk worth taking vs never having another dc.

I'm not sure why you've started this thread. If you're so fixated on your desire for a hypothetical second child that you are willing to risk spending half your life apart from the child you already have then nothing anyone says will change your mind.

That’s different from lying to the op. She’s in this relationship because she thought they had a plan to have two dc. I’d be devastated too.

I don't think it's always terrible for the older DC (to go through a split and then have a new sibling) and there are ways of mitigating it but just wanted to put it out there that it can be hard for them. I don't regret having my younger DD at all and DS absolutely adores her. It is worth knowing that it would probably be better for your DS if you have another child with his Dad rather than splitting and starting again.

It does sound like maybe you haven't emphasised enough to your H how much you need this so if that's what you mean by begging then do it. I'd be saying something along the lines of "Having a second child is really important to me, I see it as an essential. I have made so many changes that you wanted and the list just gets longer - I can't go on like this and it's causing me to reconsider our future relationship...". The last thing you want is to reach the end of your tether where there's no going back and then he goes "if only you'd told me how important this was to you, I'd have done it!".

This exactly.

Is your experience of being part of a blended family being the child in the subsequent family unit? If so it is very different to the experience of the child from the first family unit which would be your child's experience.

We have what would be overall considered a successful blended family. That you doesn't mean that the older children we brought to our marriage have not had issues that our children from our marriage just don't. Both DH and I agree our older children have had a much harder childhood than our joint child and that is something that is really important to us in our marriage. Neither of us would want to put yet another child we had through a family separation and blended family.

Go and read the step parenting board to see what other people's experiences are.

I understand the desire to have more children and how that can really over shadow other things in life, but in doing so you are potentially risking so much for something that isn't guaranteed.

I personally think you would be incredibly selfish to split up over this but it's your life. You say you don't want to life with regret but while you might feel you won't have regret, you may have consequences that you didn't envision.

Get counselling for yourself even if he won't go before make any big decisions.

I’d think the same way as you op, now I read he’s lied to you for ten years. The reality is that I wouldn’t love him anymore, I’d just resent him.

I also can't believe that in your desire for another child you think it would ok if your child choose to live with their father full time and a risk you are OK taking.

That I think shows how selfish and irrational you are being about this.

OP, it sounds like your partner doesn't want another child. They are happy with where your relationship is and might actually think you are too now. Personally, I wouldn't want another child after so long a gap.

I do think you maybe need to look at your reasoning behind the second child. Who will you have it with for one thing and how will you feel with one child from a broken home and another from this new person. Will you be happy at one or would you want more than one, because as you say, you're getting into an age range where it can be more challenging. Have you thought about how your son will feel about all this? What is it that you think this other child(ren) will give you that one doesn't?

Just anecdotal, but I knew someone who was desperate for another child and they were the same age as you. They believed it would make everything great. It did just the opposite. It was the end of their relationship and the child has severe downs syndrome. She's in a very dark place these days.

But at least you know. OP’s H has been stringing her along for 10 years

You obviously are convinced YANBU but before you turn your poor DCs world upside down at least get your fertility checked, the results may change your POV before doing some irreparable damage.

Just be honest. Look I want another child and if you are not willing to at least try for that then we are going to have to go out separate ways. Then mean it an do it.

He can only string you along if you let him with excuse after excuse.

I do feel bad for your existing dc though and it doesn’t matter what you tell them they will work out that you left then got pregnant by any means necessary because you don’t really have much time to find a decrement man and blend and ttc so your looking more to spend donor ivf. Also just because dh doesn’t do much now this child is 10 now they in theory are getting easier and easier and they may just pick dad to spite you.

This.

It sounds to me like this relationship is over anyway, the trust is not there, he does not engage with your needs and you are starting to hate him. So your marriage is ending.
If you are successful in having another child, won't it be more like having two single children rather than siblings, especially if custody is shared? Your child may find it difficult to form a strong bond with a baby and by the time they are older your child will be a teen, deep into exams and growing up and away from you. You may never get the family you seen so dependent on.
I would recommend counselling to enable you to be less fixated on this idea of having another child to the detriment of everything else around you.

It's wrong to have a child unless both parents are completely committed, you have to accept his decision

You absolutely need to have an honest and frank conversation with your DH. He needs to be forced to sit and have that conversation with you and fwiw I think he’s acted very badly in stringing you along.

However, even that conversation comes with risks - if my DH told me he was so fixated on having another baby he was prepared to leave me and risk not living with his existing child any more (or for only 50% of the time) I don’t know how I’d get past that. Not because of what it says about his relationship with me but because of what it says about his relationship with our child. Do you have a good relationship with your DD? Were/are there difficulties? Is this about a do-over?

I have a younger half sister, I don’t even speak to her though we grew up together. As soon as both my parents died I cut her off and it was a relief. My experience of a blended family was most certainly not like yours.

How direct were you in the past about more children?

If the marriage is over then leave but if you think it will be easy to find a decent man and fit in another child good luck with that, it’s slim pickings. @TomatoSandwiches has a very good point about a fertility MOT before you do anything.

I do wish men would just be honest and stop being such cowards always making excuses. By now it should be a yes or a no with as specific a date as possible to start TTC.

Why, beyond biological impulse, do you want a second child so badly? I'm not understanding the drive here, especially that you're willing to break up your family and potentially damage the mental health of your current child for the sake of the possibility of a second one? I think you'd have to have some really rock solid reasons for that to be honest. "I want one" just isn't enough, ok you might have originally planned to have more but life and plans change all the time. So what are your actual reasons for wanting #2 this badly?

Did you string your DH along or were you upfront and unwavering?

The OP has really been lied to. I doubt he ever had any intention of more than one. That's the killer.

My friend did this and now she’s divorced. Just saying.

I do understand the frustration and sadness and really do feel for you.

However, I'm of the opinion that in a relationship when talking about a hypothetical child (rather than one conceived accidentally) the thoughts and wishes of those not wanting more trump that of the partner wanting more.

Yes, lots of people adapt and love bonus children but there are scores and scores of women left alone with children their partners didn't want and scores of people who regret having more children and wish that they'd stuck to their original number.

In my opinion it's better to miss what you don't have than have regrets about what you do have if that makes sense