To beg dh to have another dc

[pinkyicing]

I just don't know how to get over only having one dc. It's destroying me. I want another dc so much. When I met dh we discussed this and agreed I wanted three and he wanted two so we would have two dc. But after our first he kept making excuses why we should wait. It was always, I am starting a new job, we need to save more, we need to get this year out the way and see what happens. Now I'm thinking he's just lying.

I'm so upset about it I think about it every day. Just really sad. Don't know where to put this sadness. Don't even know why I'm posting I suppose. Just really upset at how things have turned out and am starting to hate dh for it. Literally want to beg him for a dc. I'm 37 and don't think there's time now. I wish I'd known so I could have left him sooner I really thought we'd have another dc but as the years have gone on I realise he's just led me on.

@Workawayxx thank you I do consider my dc but I also consider me being an unhappy mother to my dc due to this situation.
Thank you for being honest about your situation as I can understand that dc would be upset at a new sibling having more time with me if they had to go to their dads.

@bonzaitree I don't think there would be any reason currently I couldn't have a dc but obviously I don't know. I think I could not accept life without trying. I know there's always a possibility of it not working out but not even trying upsets me a lot.

I feel like I've worked so hard at everything to get ready for my 'next dc' because dh kept making excuses and saying it was due to finances/not a big enough house/not being able to afford everything. I have made things happen to accommodate a dc and tbh also made sacrifices, eg instead of being a sahm I went to work ft because my dh said otherwise we wouldn't afford another dc. I'm already living a life around having a second dc that's never going to happen (I don't think) if I stay with dh. I would have made many different decisions if I'd known I was not going to have any more dc.

In your situation with your blended family, did one parent leave the other specifically to have other children? I don't know that you're thinking clearly about the emotional toll that might take on your existing child, they're old enough to understand what's going on and whichever way you swing it that's going to leave them wondering if it's their fault you're splitting up, if they're not good enough or inadequate somehow. Those feelings can last a lifetime and you just saying "my blended family was fine so I don't see the issue" isn't very reassuring.

One blended family is not like another. Just because yours was happy doesn't mean this one will be, this circumstance is very different. Again I'm really not trying to be harsh but you seem determined to ignore the negative impact this could have on your current child. Feelings of guilt in children of divorce is really common, and in this case those feelings wouldn't be entirely unfounded because you are literally leaving because the one child isn't enough for you.

Imagine being the child that wasn’t good enough for your own mother.

I would not say to dc that's why I'm leaving. I think I would have to just say to dh that I can't keep going never knowing that what he says is real. That his indecisiveness has led to a breakdown in our marriage and his dithering about this subject has made me feel like he has no respect for my feelings .

And I don't think my dc 'isn't enough' in the sense that they are inadequate. I feel like I have always wanted more than one and even if I try very hard that feeling won't go away. I think I am ok to want more dc and don't feel guilty for that.

Whats your plan for having another baby OP? Fertility clinic?

I think this would be unbelievably selfish. Not to your husband - bugger his feelings, frankly, after he's strung you along. It would be an awful thing to do to your 10 year old. Splitting up their family so you can have another child - think about that in practice. They would lose their family, they would lose lots of time with both parents due to shared custody, they would probably have a lower standard of living due to costs of running two households. Then they might not want another sibling, which potentially you would have via donor, meaning they would have to endure you being pregnant with no support, then live through you focusing on a newborn, needy toddler and young child without anyone to share that responsibility with - all while they're going through teenage years, potentially wondering "why wasn't I enough? Why was my mum so unsatisfied with her life that she tore up our family and had a donor baby that meant she barely gave me any attention?"

You talk about this "destroying" you. It all sounds so very dramatic when you have a healthy, loved child. I would understand if you didn't have any but you could leave huge damage in your wake for something that might never happen, or the realities of which would be brutal.

@roarfeckingroarr I think it's dh who has made this happen. I don't blame myself. I have held out for ten years hoping. And I can't why more. The feeling has become stronger. I think dh could have let me know when dc was younger and would not have known better. But he didn't.

Do all dc of divorce feel terrible when they're parent split and have more dc then? I agree my own family is anecdotal but it's also my dc family and that's what they've known too. That I have 4 half siblings and one sibling. We look completely different so it's very obvious.

I think I could manage fine and do have support just not in the form of a dh and although yes my dc would get less time with me surely they would get that even if I had another dc with dh. Either way I am willing to be 'this selfish' because although it may seem dramatic to some it is how I feel inside that I really don't want to end up having no more dc. And I also do think it would destroy me if dh left and went on to have more. I would not put that past him as perhaps he is genuine when he says let's wait some more and simply won't make a final decision until it's too late.

OP, how will you feel if you can't have another child for whatever reason?

I was born when my half siblings were teenagers. Growing up I was basically an only child as I never saw them much, as adults we got a bit closer but we only see each other a few times a year if that and we don’t talk regularly. We love each other dearly but I certainly never got the same experience growing up as my friends or family members who had siblings. The large age gap really does make a huge difference!
I do think it’s sad to throw away a relationship and break up a child’s home due to you wanting another child which may not happen either way. It’s a huge risk you’d be taking.
Does your DH know you are willing to leave over this?

Your dh had firstly changed his mind about life plans (2 kids) and secondly been dishonest about it - fudging it with “the next bonus/promotion” etc etc. That is dishonest and you can leave him for that.

@DoristheDuchess I truly don't even want to think about that. I think I'd breakdown! It would take a lot of work to cope. I haven't had any issues to suggest that would happen.
It's upsetting enough that each year passes I feel is another year towards becoming less able to though.

And who is going to pay towards the sperm donor child, OP? I suppose your presumably ex DH ( if you leave him) will have to pay maintenance for his child, who will be at least eleven by the time your potential second child makes his/ her appearance. I wonder how your son will feel, knowing that you broke up his home for the ‘benefit’ of having a second child. So he was not satisfactory on his own. Oh dear.

OP, I think you may be depressed, you are certainly fixated on something which may or may not happen, but would almost certainly not be the ‘solution’ you are searching for. I know things are difficult with health services, but please try to get some sort of professional opinion and assistance with your feelings, before you head down the family break up route.

I wish you every happiness.

The thing is that you may leave an otherwise okay marriage and not have another child for one reason or the other anyway so it’s a risk.
As your DH hasn’t flat out refused to have another child, he has just been dithering for 10 years which I know is bad, I think you need to have an honest and open conversation with him, let him know age is not on your side and that he needs to give you a definite yes or no answer rather than stringing you along.
At least If he says no then you can leave.
If he says yes but he’s just waiting for the perfect time, well, there can’t really be a perfect time but both of you can just say you’ll start another one by ‘a reasonable set date’ so he can work towards that.

Your dc will grow up feeling that they are not enough if you continue to act the way you do. That could cause them a lot of harm in the future

Imagine knowing in the future that your parents split up because one of them wanted another child. That would be heartbreaking to find out as the child

You are not enjoying the life you already have because you are pining for something that may never happen. In the meantime your child is growing up but sounds like you are so blinded by this desire that you are not being the mum they deserve right now

@KillingLoneliness no my dh does not know. But I feel this will be the year to make changes. I won't be threatening to go unless he agrees to a dc. When I said I will beg I meant beg him to see from my perspective how much this is upsetting me. But as pp have said it's no good. And not right.

I posted this this morning because I was feeling particularly down as I dropped my dc to school and most people have 2 or more dc at our school and I am struggling as I get older to squash the feelings of I want that. I did my usual cry in the car and think of other things or try to pretend I'm in a situation where I can't have dc anymore but that's not really my situation so it's not so easy to ignore these feelings.

Maybe you should work on yourself and what your current child needs first, a baby is not a designer handbag to just go 'I want it now'

Begging? Do you genuinely mean that?

I'm not sure if it's the best thing to beg for a child but I think he has behaved terribly, 10 years is a long time to string someone along for and to keep changing the goal posts, so YANBU to feel like you do and YANBU if you begged for him to tell you the truth and gave him an ultimatum

OFGS wanting more than one dc is not that one isn’t enough. It’s about wanting to have children rather a child, for your children to have a sibling relationship, making sure they have someone to share things with - not just as children but as adults. I wanted more than one DC because my sisters are my best friends. They are an incredible support for me as an adult. Our children are best friends. I wanted my DC to have that too. I don’t think OP is being sefish at all. She is just being truthful about how she feels. The guilt trips are unnecessary. DH has two half siblings who are much younger (20 year age gap!) as they grew up he was more of an uncle figure who bought them presents but now the siblings are in their twenties they are tight friends. I don’t think an age gap means they will have nothing in common.

I think this would be unbelievably selfish. Not to your husband - bugger his feelings, frankly, after he's strung you along. It would be an awful thing to do to your 10 year old. Splitting up their family so you can have another child - think about that in practice.

It's not 'selfish' for a woman to refuse to stay in an unhappy relationship.

OP, I have a lot of sympathy for you. He knew how important this was to you and yet he's strung you along for years.

None of your choices are particularly good ones so it comes down to choosing the 'least worst'. And I don't think the 'least worst' choice in your scenario is necessarily to hang around in an unhappy relationship for 10/20/30 more years and say goodbye to any chance of a second child.

The second child might never happen but you might find it matters less if, for instance, you're no longer in a relationship with someone you dislike and instead have room in your life for more rewarding relationships.

Yeah on re-read this stuck out for me too.

With kindness though OP, it is something you need to think about.

You're about to make a huge, possibly irrevocable decision and need to be mindful of all the possible outcomes of that decision. Not just for you, but for your daughter too.

Not having a second child, even after trying is a potential outcome you need to be prepared for. You really need to consider all eventualities carefully or you could sleep walk into feeling even worse.

You don't have to stay, but at least get some counselling to explore the ramifications of your decision in more detail. Please don't stick your head in the sand and just hope for the best.

The thing is that you may leave an otherwise okay marriage and not have another child for one reason or the other anyway so it’s a risk.

But this doesn't sound like an 'otherwise okay marriage'.

@Tohaveandtohold I think my dh is complacent that I won't leave. He knows so far dithering has resulted in simply not having more. I am convinced he thinks he can dither until I move into the menopause and the decision will be made for us because I've mentioned time running out before and my fears on this. And I don't want to say I will leave or else as it just seems that if we get to that point I'm just a desperate single mum that's married aren't I. Could lead to resentment in him then anyway.

I will probably not openly blame our relationship breaking down on this in order that my dc doesn't one day believe that's the case. It is though. I can't really change my feelings. As I've said I've tried since my dc was born to accept another may never happen but my feelings are getting worse and I am becoming more and more unhappy at the prospect of only having one dc. I understand people won't necessarily agree but I am so sad about it I really can't see things changing.
I know I will feel worse not trying to have a dc even if it doesn't work out. I don't feel like I can continue to live with someone who will happily allow me to have my choice taken from me when his remains in tact.

I'm sorry this is hurting you so much OP but you do sound incredibly black and white; it sounds like the only way for you to be happy is to have a second DC and it sounds like your first DC has to just accept that in order to have a happy Mum. I can't believe you'd really be ok with your DC choosing to live with their other parent? By all means leave a relationship that doesn't sound the best and where you feel your needs have not been met. However, I think some counselling would be a really good idea to work through these feelings and why a 2nd DC is so important to you as well as to work through all the years that you have struggled and felt unsatisfied with your current relationship and life. If you do still want to have a second DC after this you will be in a much better headspace. Good luck .

I have to say that I find it shocking that you can consider it worth not seeing your existing child for 50% of the time, or even have them go and live with your DH full time, in order to have another baby. Are you hoping that threatening this is what forces your DH to give in to you, because otherwise it's just... literally so cold. So cold.