To beg dh to have another dc

[pinkyicing]

I just don't know how to get over only having one dc. It's destroying me. I want another dc so much. When I met dh we discussed this and agreed I wanted three and he wanted two so we would have two dc. But after our first he kept making excuses why we should wait. It was always, I am starting a new job, we need to save more, we need to get this year out the way and see what happens. Now I'm thinking he's just lying.

I'm so upset about it I think about it every day. Just really sad. Don't know where to put this sadness. Don't even know why I'm posting I suppose. Just really upset at how things have turned out and am starting to hate dh for it. Literally want to beg him for a dc. I'm 37 and don't think there's time now. I wish I'd known so I could have left him sooner I really thought we'd have another dc but as the years have gone on I realise he's just led me on.

What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!

I'd have been very upset and resentful if DH and I had agreed on two children and he had then started stalling and making excuse after excuse like yours.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. At the very least he owes you a full explanation about this. If he can't even do that then I would be likely to think that the relationship might have run its course. Make sure he knows that you feel strongly enough to leave him over this. He needs to know that, and that you will not simply let him string you along any more.

Couples counselling might help, but I guess nothing is guaranteed.

Can you actually afford a second DC. It sounds like DH is trying to be reasonable with waiting for better jobs etc. Bring a child into the world you can afford just because you want one isn't ever acceptable. Also with a 10+ year age gap are siblings even going to be that close. Your current child will be celebrating their 18th when the next child is only 8

I think your 10 Yr old would rather you try and fix this relationship and have his parents together than a divorced couple and his mum " potentially " having another baby.

What if you can't have another baby, what if you do ans your 10yr old resents YOU for unsettling the only life he has known?

Blended families are great when they work but the very often don't so please think very carefully about what's best for the child you already have over your wanting for a baby.

You're obviously not happy in your relationship, and that's not the time to bring a baby into the mix.

It’s sad that you are on different pages with this but people are entitled to change their minds. You have one DC and it seems that is enough for your DH. No one really knows how they’re going to feel regarding children until they have one and your DH has seemingly decided that one DC feels right. In fairness, he should have told you this before now so you could have made an informed decision.

I think it would be a very selfish decision to break up in these circumstances .. it's so unfair on your existing DC. Imagine being the child who knows their mum left their Dad because she wanted another baby? And how would you feel if your 10 year old decides they would rather live with Dad? And what if you don't/can't have that mythical second DC.
My DH would have loved a second DC ... I didn't want another DC and that was it. I wouldn't have had any respect for him if he'd 'begged' me to have another baby (or sabotaged contraception ).

Exactly what I was thinking. Would your ten your old think “whew mum left dad to have my baby bro/sis, thank god for that!”. Or would they me upset and furious. How would they feel about reduced access to their father or a step parent?

I do think your Dh has strung you along, I’m one and done and I told DH extremely clearly there would be no more kids. Anything other than that is unfair. So I can understand if you leave because of his dishonesty because he really does not sound like he’s considering a second given your first is ten.

Actually I think yanbu to leave- fair enough if he had clearly said at some point in the past 10 years “I’m sorry but 1 child is enough for me, let’s focus on the family we have”. But he hasn’t, he’s messed you around and led you on and I can totally understand that the resentment would be hard to get over.

I dont think you are being unreasonable OP or selfish, its not the changing of the mind, its the fact he is not communicating with you about.

If he had said actually I only want the one, you could have either come to terms with that or split. Instead he has been potentially leading you on for 10 years,

I also dont think you would be selfish for breaking up a marriage over this, because its not just about not have a second child, if he is unable to communicate his feeling regarding this, then what else is he not communicate on? Or maybe you are just not feeling like you are being listened to.

You could keep going on this path of, well maybe after this or this or this and wake up one day and you will have been robbed of your choice. He wont have been. That may lead to bitter feelings and resentment.

I would have one last conversation with him, sit him down and give him a date, you want to start trying, give him the opportunity to say no, I dont want anymore children. That way you know where you stand and can make a decision accordingly.

I agree with PP that the person who doesnt want kids trumps the person that does, but that doesnt mean you need to stay in that relationship, its a fundamental difference in how you see your life and unfortunately not one that can be compromised on

I really hope you're joking because that's an absolutely vile thing to do to someone.

If this was a man wanting another child that his wife didn't want would you suggest sneaking the condom off in the middle of sex to try and achieve that?

Have a word with yourself.

I think that it's perhaps not possible for others to understand how much I want another dc. I appreciate people think it's selfish and in the first 5 years I tried very hard to quell my feelings about it. I've tried for 5 years to 'do other things' 'keep busy' 'focus on my career' but so far my feelings about having another dc have only got worse. I can honestly see this relationship failing anyway due to it so I would rather leave than not give myself at least a chance.

I love my dc very much but I also accept that they have two parents and would never stop them seeing my dh if we split up and if they wanted to live with dh then I'd have to have faith that's where would make them most happy.

As I said I come from a blended family with my parents both having prior dc on both sides and we all get along fine. I can't see it ruining my dc life if I have another dc. My half sister and my half brother, who is her step brother, are literally best friends so I suppose I see it from a different angle.

This feeling is not going to go away. I know in my heart I will be sad long past my dc leaving home if I don't have any more dc or at least try to.

So if you split up what then? Are you going to go it alone with a sperm donor for child #2? I don't actually think you're unreasonable for wanting to break up if you're unhappy, but I do think you have to acknowledge that you may end up not having that second child anyway, and having a far more strained relationship with the child you already have.

Because I'm not trying to be a party pooper but at 37 with one child already, the dating pool is not attractive at the moment. I'm not saying this to be harsh but it is true, if you want a partner to have a child with who is going to be a good partner, good father AND a good step father to your current child so they don't feel excluded and pushed out by your burning desire for #2... you're going to be looking for the golden nugget in a really big pile of turd.

I can’t see how you’re being selfish. This is something you want, that your husband knew you wanted before the marriage, and something you’ve always wanted.

I understand your resentment, tbh. It also says a lot that you can’t have a conversation about this with him, without him walking away etc.

Do you feel able to leave the marriage and do 50/50 with your other dc?

Do you feel able to have another baby on your own? (Ie: sperm donor in case you don’t meet anyone else “in time”?)

I’m in my early 40s now and the longing for another child still hasn’t gone, but the ability to have one has. (Although, in my case, DH also wanted another - we just couldn’t. It has been very hard on our marriage - and we’re both on the same page!)

If the love has gone, really do go.

I completely understand that need for a child, I've been dealing with infertility a long time.

I will say though it's really odd that you'd choose to not see your daughter 50% of the time - or even have her living away from you - so that you can maybe have another baby. You already have a child, and I can't imagine being ok with her living with your STBXH just so that you get to play baby again.

Do not try and trick your husband into having a baby by ''Accident'' as has been suggested.{Pin~holed condom}
That is so totally wrong.
You have one child, be thankful you have one.
Some people can't have any..

I think you need to go into the next step with your eyes wide open. Ask yourself 'if I don't end up having another child will I be happy with the decision I made?'

Maybe get some counselling to help you navigate the next steps. You don't have to stay in the relationship, but you do need to be mentally prepared that the grass may not be greener.

Not all blended families are happy ones, despite your own experiences. There are so many variables to a blended family that can impact on whether it is successful or not.

Would you consider counselling? I cannot have any children and have just had to get over it because I have no other option so I do find it hard to understand your fixation on this for that reason.

I do know someone who became so obsessed with another child that she did leave her husband and split up her family. She now has 50% less custody of her children and still hasn't had another one. I think she's regretting her decision but her ex/H has made it clear that there's no way back. So be sure that you've exhausted all options for getting over this before you leave, that's my advice.

I couldn't imagine leaving a stable marriage, a stable home with both parents for my children, and a DH who is otherwise a good husband and parent, for the dream of another child. 2 is enough for many people. To leave and look at a sperm donation after tearing your existing children's life apart, is utterly selfish, and quite frankly a bit delusional. Have some counselling. No one has to have 3 children.

I suspect you will start the process of separating knowing your DH will give in and you will get your third child.

YANBU to want this very strongly. He has been unfair to stall endlessly - if it was a no he should have just said that and you could have moved on rather than getting you to jump through hoops. Have you really really sat him down and spelt it out in words of one syllable that for you not having another child is relationship ending? Sort of an ultimatum but one you're willing to follow through on? Then if he's not willing to try straight away then you can leave knowing you did everything you could.

In terms of experience of a blended family, I have a 10 year old and a 2 year old and I'd say it's vastly harder on my 10 year old who has to go back and forth between me and his Dad than the 2 year old who has both parents together. My 10 year old has to leave for the weekend knowing 2 year old DD is spending all weekend with me. He's amazing about it all and adores his little sister (and enjoys spending time with his Dad) but I can tell it is unsettling for him. I don't blame you for wanting to leave if your DH has strung you along regarding another child and a blended family situation can of course have it's upsides but there can be a huge downside that also needs to be considered.

@purpledalmation I think OP only has one child and wants a second. She doesn't already have 2. She originally wanted 3 and she compromised on 2 (but currently only has 1).

@RoomOfRequirement fair opinion. I doubt my dh would want dc 50:50 as I do a lot more than him anyway. He might but I do think it's a risk worth taking vs never having another dc. I understand people saying that's selfish but I really don't want to live my life regretting not trying to have more dc knowing how much this upsets me.

I do believe I deserve a life that I would like to lead as well. As I've said coming from a background where two parents have brought dc together in a new relationship and also gone on to have more dc and it being a very happy situation I don't think worrying about sharing our dc being unhappy because we split is that bad. I doubt either me or dh would want to move so far away from each other due to dc and yes I would be ok sharing dc we are both their parents.

I also don't feel like I need to get married very suddenly to have another dc but i would rather have another relationship vs this eternal pain of never being able to have more dc whilst time dwindles on me. And also there is always the possibility that my dh leaves me one day and goes on to have more dc isn't there.
@purpledalmation I have one dc. I am starting to hate dh enough that that won't happen. I truly resent him for not making it clear as I trusted one day we would have another. I wish I could have split up earlier now because there would have been less impact on all of us. I always knew I didn't only want one dc.

OP if you left him and found you couldn’t have another child, for whatever reason, would you be happy you had left him?

Seems line a gamble to leave him tbh.

YWBU to beg or cajole but apart from that absolutely YANBU. He shouldn’t have led you on. It was incredibly sefish of him to make up excuses rather than being honest given there is a time limit on this for you.

I think this would have been a deal breaker for me too.

Also the excuses do seem like excuses rather than reasons. Wanting long haul holidays isn’t the same as not having enough money to feed your children or give them a good life.

He isn’t unreasonable to want to stick with one DC but he was unreasonable to misrepresent his feelings. I think it’s manipulative.