To beg dh to have another dc

[pinkyicing]

I just don't know how to get over only having one dc. It's destroying me. I want another dc so much. When I met dh we discussed this and agreed I wanted three and he wanted two so we would have two dc. But after our first he kept making excuses why we should wait. It was always, I am starting a new job, we need to save more, we need to get this year out the way and see what happens. Now I'm thinking he's just lying.

I'm so upset about it I think about it every day. Just really sad. Don't know where to put this sadness. Don't even know why I'm posting I suppose. Just really upset at how things have turned out and am starting to hate dh for it. Literally want to beg him for a dc. I'm 37 and don't think there's time now. I wish I'd known so I could have left him sooner I really thought we'd have another dc but as the years have gone on I realise he's just led me on.

Indeed
Get some counselling op and work through your feelings properly op before blowing up your life over something that might not happen anyway

I really feel for you on this. I had many years too where that urge was just so so strong that it was all-consuming. Unless you have been in that position it's hard to understand, but it's real.

I'm so sad for you and it does seem like he has lied to you. For us, after many hard conversations, we did try again. Unfortunately it didn't happen for us and wasn't meant to be, but I found it much easier to deal with and put to bed knowing that we had many years with his preference and then he was able to support my preference and we worked through it together. I think if we had never tried and it had always only been on his terms, the resentment would have pushed us apart in the end.

I think one last ditch attempt to explore that possibility with him is key. He needs to give you a definite answer, not diversion tactics. Then at least if it is a 'no' then you can make your decision knowing exactly where you stand.

I hope you're ok.

What happens if uou leave dh and ttc . Whether with a new partner or sperm donor but doesn't happen

You will still only have one dc who is then with divorced parents

Is it worth destroying your relationship with dh for you to try and fail for a child

I agree that your husband has treated you badly by stringing you along (it might be that he had initially thought 2 kids was ok, but when confronted with reality, decided that one was enough, but he should have made that clear), but you can't change that. The only thing you can truly influence is your behaviour.

Realistically, you will need to go for donor sperm - otherwise there is the leaving, then finding another suitable man, and giving that relationship enough time that you are sure that he would be a good father before traying to conceive, and that is time that you may not have.

If you split up, could you fund fertility treatment/sperm donation? If the 2nd father is not in the picture can you afford to live as a single parent when there is no-one else around to help with childcare, and potentially needing a larger property within a few years (obviously if you were successful, then baby could sleep in your room for a few years, but sooneror later will need their own space - and think of the impact on a teenager going through GCSEs of having to share with a 4-5 year old sib.

If you have enough money and resources to support yourself, then fine, but the worst case scenario is that you are left financially responsible for 2 kids (if your ex-husband decides to be one of those deadbeat dads we hear about all the time), or divorced and alone with one child if you weren't successful with conception.

I know you are saying that your son will never find out about your reasons for leaving, but you absolutely cannot guarantee that. I’m an only child. If my parents had put me through divorce when I was 10 and I later found out it was because my mum wanted more children, I would never be able to shake the thought that I wasn’t enough for her. I think that would have the potential to destroy our relationship irrevocably. Do you want to risk that?

Men are always in a stronger position with this as they don't have a fertility deadline like women do. It's absolutely unreasonable that he's strung you along with false promises about a second child, meanwhile you are losing time. While I agree you can't force him to have a child, you need to be proactive if what to do next. If a child is more important then move on. The resentment will be there forever.

I think you need to let him know how important this is to you and see what his reaction is. He may not be deliberately deceiving you. He might have thought he was ok with two children and then has never felt ready to commit to a second for all the reasons he has given. He is allowed to change his mind and you can do with that what you will. If he doesn’t want anymore he needs to tell you so you can decide what to do. I am fairly sure all the wondering and hoping isn’t helping your relationship.

i really wanted another when DS was younger but for various reasons it didn’t happen. I accepted in my early 40’s that I wouldn’t have another baby. I am 50 now and am perfectly happy to be mum to one. For me at least that urge and sense of loss did fade.

Jesus. I always find these threads so disturbing.

YANBU to feel betrayed. He agreed to 2DC and has led you on for all these years. I would be very angry at him and probably couldn’t continue the relationship. I also get the want for another as I would’ve hated to have had 1 child only.
Having said that, your child is now 10 so I think a sibling now would be a very different dynamic to siblings growing up together.

I do find it odd that you’re prepared to leave your husband and even to have your first son live with his dad, all in pursuit of a second fantasy child.

Is there a likelihood that your son would choose to stay with his father? I can’t quite compute that the pursuit of the second child could cost the majority of your time with the first, but you say you’re ok with that.

A honest discussion is needed here, and if you can't have one then what kind of relationship do you really have?

What happens when you say you don't want to wait for the next milestone, you want to start trying for a baby now? When you point out it's been a decade of "just after" the next promotion/house move etc? If you point blank ask him if he's happy sticking with just one child?

I don't think wanting another baby is a good reason to leave if you're otherwise happy in your relationship, but it sounds like you're not. I wouldn't be happy either if I thought my partner was trying to avoid the discussion and not being honest about how he's feeling for that long, it starts feeling like being lied to.

If he really won't discuss it then you need to treat it like he's said a definite no to another child and make your decision accordingly, because realistically at that point no is his answer even if he won't say it.

You should consider how you'd feel if you leave and then don't meet someone else in time/can't get pregnant again. There's no guarantee. If you'd regret leaving your DH in that case then it's probably a mistake to do so. If it's just hit the point where the relationship is dead either way that's a different thing.

I think your 10 Yr old would rather you try and fix this relationship and have his parents together than a divorced couple and his mum " potentially " having another baby.

My thoughts exactly, @TomatoSandwiches .

😢

That doesn't bear thinking about.

I think it's really unfair for your DH to string you along. You need to know where you stand. No excuses there will never be a good time according to him. You haven't got time. I would confront him and find out exactly what he wants and be prepared to hear he definitely doesn't want another. It's up to you what you do with that information but you need to know the truth and exactly where you stand. That will just build up more resentment stringing you along until it's too late to have another.

10 years! I can’t believe he strung you along for so long. I also can’t believe you waited.

People always say you can leave a relationship for any reason - you don’t need a justification if you’re unhappy and it sounds like you are. Would you be happy with your worst case scenario though? No second child, no partner and seeing your child half of the time or even every other weekend?

tbh also made sacrifices, eg instead of being a sahm I went to work ft because my dh said otherwise we wouldn't afford another dc

This is why I'd leave in your case. And I didn't when my DH didn't want another. Yours is lying and getting things he wants based on these lies. I'd be done too.

I understand. It’s the lack of honesty that has destroyed your relationship. My partner changed his mind from maybe wanting a baby to a hard no. I bottled it up and tried to accept it, cried to myself every time my period arrived and desperately tried to convince myself that I would be better off without another child (I have 1 from a previous relationship). But ultimately I couldn’t convince myself of something I didn’t feel and I still desperately wanted another child. I told my partner eventually and he had no idea how I really felt. We had some heartfelt conversations. I gave him time and he changed his mind and proposed ttc. I’m now pregnant and couldn’t be happier, but I wouldn’t have ever gotten pregnant without him wanting us to. I couldn’t really have brought myself to leave him either as it was his child I wanted, but it was so painful to want a child and know I couldn’t have one. 10 years of being strung along would have destroyed me and brought me to the point you’re at. In fact I don’t think I would have coped for 10 years.
FWIW I would tell your partner that he’s strung you along for long enough, wasted your fertile years and you are angry about that. There’s no point in not telling him the truth as he may genuinely be ambivalent about another child and not have realised what he’s been doing to you.

OP your DC is 10 years old already. Have you considered the feelings of you bringing a sibling into his/her life wth such a large age gap? Your DC will no doubt resent the attention you will have to give her DB/DS just as she has entered puberty.

Rather than break up your relationship now with your DC's father and the impact it may have on him/her, I seriously suggest you have your own counselling before deciding to leave/have another child by whatever means you can.

Eh, it sounds like you don't really even like your DH very much. And I understand he strung you along (I had an ex do this, not about DC but something else) and it has built up resentment. Once resentment seeps into a relationship it's usually over and done with at that point. I would leave and take my chances, I don't think there's any hope of you and your DH to salvage your relationship or get over your resentment.

And please don't poke a hole in the condom, that's one of the most vilest suggestions I've ever read.

I think lots of people have successfully raised dc on a biological impulse @BreviloquentBastard in the end the first was also planned around a biological impulse. Not everyone wants dc, and some want them more than others.

I have recently been in touch with egg freezing clinics in order to try to hold out for dh whilst calming my nerves around running out of time. Dh seems happy to continue to dither regardless of me having to go through that procedure. He seems unappreciative that me waiting and him making a decision are not an equal situation. This really hurts that he doesn't seem to realise it really is not an equal decision. If we divorce later on, he could still go on to have more dc and I could not.

Today is when I finally just ended up crying and feel like I need to do something. Yes I've been an idiot waiting and waiting.

I do have money to raise two dc alone.

We both have good jobs. I doubt dh will want 50:50 very much.

The only other less selfish thing I can think to do is to freeze my eggs wait until dc is an adult then try again alone. But i feel I'll be ancient in childbearing terms by then and absolutely trying my chances. This feeling won't go away. But I will get counselling to see if I can cope better if I stay.

@sunshinesupermum I have siblings much older than me. They were very happy to have a younger sibling. I would definitely have a dc rn if it wasn't for my dh not making a decision. I definitely think I could look after my current dc and have a baby if my dh just said yes. I think it would be a very nice situation, I would get a nanny in as I did last time so I would definitely have time for them.

My dc also has a great friendship and support circle in my family. I really don't think they'd be upset no. Plus they want a sibling and ask all the time not that I would have a baby for that reason alone.

It does seem a little odd that your DC's wishes align so closely to yours, to the extent that a 10 year old wouldn't be the least bit upset if his parents divorced and he had to live 50/50 between houses.

Yes he has strong you along and your body is telling you this is your last chance and cnat miss it.

Tonight I'd be saying I'm stopping any contraception I am on because I want another baby and he has until next month to get on board with the idea or its divorce time.

Stop contraception if you are on it as your body may need time to adjust.

Theres never a perfect time for a baby but 10 years is a piss take and hes running your clock down.

So essentially you have literally no reason for wanting one other than broodiness and you're willing to completely upturn the life of your child to satisfy a biological impulse that it is entirely possible to ignore?

Ok, then you are completely selfish and unreasonable. If everyone gave in to their biological impulses all the time we'd be living in hell. Think of the child you have.

I'm sorry to say OP but there's really not much point freezing your eggs at 38. General consensus is that egg freezing has a much lower success rate than embryo freezing and the chance of success deteriorates the older you (an therefore the eggs) are.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I wouldn't hang too much hope on it as an option.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your DH - it's not really clear from your previous posts how the previous conversations have gone. Do you just go 'oh ok then' and stew silently when he comes up with yet another excuse to delay?

I personally think it's madness to break up a family for the sake of a potential second child. I was your DS; my mother left my dad for a much younger man and they had a baby within a year (although I don't think she specifically left for another baby, they were already having an affair). I love my half sister to death but I won't pretend that the split and subsequent blended family situations on both sides weren't massively traumatic for me. It's still impacting me now in my adult life and I don't think I'll ever really forgive my DM for it.

sounds like you won't be hoary unless you have more kids with or without your husband.

so might as well leave and try alone or with someone else. no point dithering about it. just consult a solicitor, check DH finances and then serve papers.
I wouldn't even bother with arguing with him as there is no compromise on this for you.