To beg dh to have another dc

[pinkyicing]

I just don't know how to get over only having one dc. It's destroying me. I want another dc so much. When I met dh we discussed this and agreed I wanted three and he wanted two so we would have two dc. But after our first he kept making excuses why we should wait. It was always, I am starting a new job, we need to save more, we need to get this year out the way and see what happens. Now I'm thinking he's just lying.

I'm so upset about it I think about it every day. Just really sad. Don't know where to put this sadness. Don't even know why I'm posting I suppose. Just really upset at how things have turned out and am starting to hate dh for it. Literally want to beg him for a dc. I'm 37 and don't think there's time now. I wish I'd known so I could have left him sooner I really thought we'd have another dc but as the years have gone on I realise he's just led me on.

We both have good jobs.
I would get a nanny in as I did last time so I would definitely have time for them.

I have no words, but glad to note But I will get counselling to see if I can cope better if I stay.

Are you leaving because you want a second child or because he's been stringing you along for ten years?

As someone else said at your eggs age as well as in general egg freezing really doesn’t have good odds. Embryos have much higher chances but if dh won’t agree to make a baby the traditional way I don’t see him agreeing to that either. Unless you use a sperm donor to freeze embryos but that seems off while “happily” married too.

Yes it's broodiness but I don't feel like I can ignore it. I've been hanging about ten years waiting for it to go away. Obviously as the years went on I have tried to stay here and be happy. I now feel like it's quite clear it's not going to happen if I wait for a yes.

Thanks for the honest reply @MindatWork funnily enough the egg clinic was most at ease with advising there is still a chance but I too feel the same and it's ££££ down the drain if it won't work.

Sorry that you resent your mother. I think maybe I am just this selfish. I can't shake it off at all. It's making very unhappy. I don't think everyone feels the same I just feel this way and have already tried to accept my life but I am growing deeply resentful of it and of my dh too. Sadly I don't see myself staying with dh if he keeps this way regardless of potential dc. I think I'd cope better not being with him not being with him knowing he could do this to me. I do feel like he's totally disregarded my feelings.

It would be quite easy to assume that you don’t have a child already the way you post OP

Its all about you and little consideration, from what you have posted, about the feelings of the child you already have

They are at an age when they will start to pick up on things and this pain you are feeling will start to become obvious to them. Imagine how that would make them feel? Or worse still if they read this thread in a few years

I mean just because your blended family worked that’s great but a lot of children in them are actually not happy despite what the parents claim. Lots of because who refuse to be step parents are step child with sometimes half siblings added in too.

I think your 10 year old has maybe picked up on more than you think.

I couldn’t imagine dragging my children away from their dad because I wanted just one more. I get the feeling one more likely won’t scratch your itch either since the original goal was three.

Are you also prepared (or is your possible nanny) for higher chances of disabilities too due to age.

This sounds like it's become all-consuming, an obsession for you, over the years. Your fixation about having another child trumps everything else.. your marriage, your DC. It's become everything to you.

I think you'd benefit from some counselling to explore why you feel this strongly about having another baby.

Can you not just appreciate the blessings you already have?

@Womencanlift I don't ever speak of having another dc in front of my dc but I agree it could be damaging to know I am this sad because I couldn't have another dc.I can't help how I feel though and
I will get counselling as pp have said I may never have another dc whatever the situation so I do need to work on that.

I probably would have felt the same of someone else saying what I am @PinotPony if I had already had the dc I wanted. But I don't. And I feel very down about it. It probably has grown into an obsession after I realised the reality of my situation. I do cry weekly about it. Perhaps when the primary school runs are finally over I may be able to deal with it better not seeing people pregnant for the second or third time since I've met them when I am feeling so low about not having that.

FFS can we stop demonising a woman for ripping apart her family after being strung along for 10 years!

He said he wanted more that 1 child, he has pretended to be happy with that. The buck stops with him, not her.

Happy mum happy baby only applies to formula feeding, yeah?

Women should put up with just about everything to keep the family together? No. Sorry. Changing his mind and articulating that is a million times different. It's close to pretending to be on contraception to deliberately have a baby with someone who has said no.

Edited to say that what he has done by pretending to want a baby is poor behaviour close to tricking someone into having a baby.

Happy mum happy baby only applies to formula feeding, yeah?

Eh?

I totally agree with you

Men can only string women along who are happy to be strung along. This argument should have happened a good 5 years ago.

She not some bystander in her own life. She could have left to have babies elsewhere at any point if he wasn’t giving her an answer she was happy with rather than leaving it till the last minute 10 years later at 38.

That’s really fucking harsh, this is her marriage. It’s not an easy decision.

Seems like it’s a rather easy decision to her right now. All she’s done is drag out the end that she seems to know was coming.

@RealBecca thank you, i do feel there is a misogynistic tone to the idea 'how could a mother could do this' I'm wondering if it would be the same if a dad was saying this.

I am comfortable with 50:50 sharing my dc in the event of a divorce as I believe we are both dc parents and I am happy to be fair and would never want to fight over dc as that never works out well but I know that 50:50 won't happen because my dh travels a lot and dc is with me more and most of the time anyway. Dc is used to dh not being there all the time as am I.

Also, dh can be expected to be somewhere in a completely different time zone by the following day at short notice. I really would be surprised if he left his job that he loves for our dc if I was willing to continue to be the default childcare.

@OhmygodDont I am trying to do something about it now. But judge away. I can see I am also getting shot down for it on here which I think is @RealBecca point.

I have just turned 37 not that it makes too much difference. But I agree I should have left dh years ago instead of denying he would do this to me. I stupidly trusted him not to let me down this way. And today I very much wish I had left!

100%.

All this is his fault. As I said earlier my DH was honest about it and I stayed. If he's pulled this shit I wouldn't have.

In the nicest possible way...
You are going to screw up your child's life for a child you desperately want?!
I suggest you both have counselling before the final decision is made.

I agree then that end the marriage. Not because you want another child but because he has behaved so badly. Divorcing AID sorting jobs take time

Loud and clear he doesn’t want another child he’s pacifying you to get you off his back

upto you but it’s a risk to finding someone who is willing to have a child with you in the next few years

I think that when you are that broody for that long, you have to just go with it. Its a fierce primal drive when it gets like that. Tell him that you arent messing about and he needs to be honest, as you need to have another child. Youre going mad with the biological clock telling you, and you either do it now or you are leaving to go it alone. That you love him but you need this

I agree entirely.

What If he agrees to counselling for you both, has an epiphany realisation about how this upsets you and how he's manipulated for 10 years and so agrees to have a second child with you.

Can you see yourself happily loving as a family of 4 in 5/10 years time?

I don't think it's your desire to have a second child that's causing the problem in your marriage. It's his stringing you along and your inability to communicate to him that this is a deal breaker.

I can't get away from the thought of how much damage this could potentially cause your child. But I also think your marriage is at an almost irreparable stage regardless.

My head says that you should separate and create a single parent life for you and your DC. But not make it your primary ambition to go on to have a second child. You'll need to spend years helping DC adjust to their new life.

But my heart sympathises.

Pressuring someone into a huge life decision rarely works out well. He knows your perspective already, it's not something that's difficult to grasp, he just doesn't want more children.

That's no more his fault than it is yours for wanting another. What is wrong though, is leading you on about it. I agree with all the other posters that if it means that much to you, then you need to call it quits and find someone who shares the same desire. In your current relationship, one of you is always going to unhappy whether you sick with one or have another.

OP, did you leave your husband in the end?