Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
Maireas · 21/02/2023 19:23

Then someone who conceived naturally at 53, and the OP turns out to be 37 but is frequently mistaken for 14.

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 19:24

His aunties also his grandad, right?

grumpycow1 · 21/02/2023 19:25

If you’re having problems, he’s made you feel like your family are inferior, you don’t get along with his family, you’re unsure - just call the wedding off and get out. Don’t say it’s because of the family thing because he can’t really help that, and I think if you’re honest there are a lot of reasons you don’t want to marry him. Rip off the plaster OP!

winningeasy · 21/02/2023 19:28

Is your DH a product of incest? If so, poor bloke, that must be a massive head fuck. I am not surprised if he kept it from you, there is probably a lot of shame there. It's ok for couples to have secrets from their past, if they'd rather not talk about them.

Are you sure no one has been a victim of abuse? As you say nothing illegal has happened. But incest is illegal?

A partnership is not a competition of who has the least messed up family. I think the judgement from both sides really should really be a sign this isn't a good relationship.

Upsidedownagain · 21/02/2023 19:29

You've been having problems and he makes you feel like your family is inferior to his - doesn't sound great anyway. Whatever the secret, unless it's something he has done or would affect you directly, wouldn't matter if you felt sure about him. I believe in listening to your gut.

MsJD · 21/02/2023 19:35

Are you marrying into the Royal Family? They frequently used to marry their cousins.

Butchyrestingface · 21/02/2023 19:41

First cousin marriage is not exciting AT ALL.

Now, a Sawney Bean set of in-laws on the other hand - that'd be worthy of a MN thread or ten ...

Newstartonwards · 21/02/2023 19:43

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:28

@whytesnow no it's not. But dp has made me feel that his family is better than mine as I come from a broken home and he doesn't. Now I've learnt this and I think it's explains to me why dp is the way he is but also that his family really aren't perfect as he makes them out to be

This is the issue - making you think he was ‘normal and secure’ whilst you were ‘broken goods’ makes me very ick.

StickofVeg · 21/02/2023 19:46

It's impossible to say without knowing what you found out. But I'd say YANBU to not go ahead with marriage if yiu are not fully comfortable.

Darch · 21/02/2023 19:55

Are his parents cousins?

Windbeneathmybingowings · 21/02/2023 19:56

DP has this in his family. If he was the result of that relationship I’d think twice. The children of the couple in his fam are quite sickly and get taken the piss out of for looking so similar to everybody

CrystalCoco · 21/02/2023 19:57

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:53

@TheShellBeach hit the nail on the head really. Just feels like a massive dynamic shift. I've been made to feel inferior for my family.

Well now you know, you can take this as a massive learning experience to NEVER feel inferior to anyone ever again 💐

Somethingneedstochange78 · 21/02/2023 19:59

So it's not a crime and not something he's done. So why should he tell you? Were his parents swinger's or something?😱😳

Somethingneedstochange78 · 21/02/2023 20:06

You can marry your cousin as long as it's not multi generations like happens in other cultures. Queen Elizabeth married a cousin.

pigsinoodies · 21/02/2023 20:08

Somethingneedstochange78 · 21/02/2023 20:06

You can marry your cousin as long as it's not multi generations like happens in other cultures. Queen Elizabeth married a cousin.

Luckily the royal family have all turned out completely normal despite the inbreeding.

Much like Norfolk.

Leirvassbu · 21/02/2023 20:10

Were his parents brother and sister?
Or cousins?

But actually I think it doesn't matter. The real issue here is that you have been having problems in the relationship and he and his family look down on you, so you really shouldn't marry him for that reason alone.

SoupDragon · 21/02/2023 20:14

Somethingneedstochange78 · 21/02/2023 20:06

You can marry your cousin as long as it's not multi generations like happens in other cultures. Queen Elizabeth married a cousin.

the Queen and Prince Philip weren't first cousins, they were third cousins.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/02/2023 20:15

You're 'having problems' (strike 1)

His family gives you the 'ick' to the point where you don't want to be associated with them (strike 2)

He's lied to you so you can't trust him. (strike 3, and you're OUT)

OK, I know there are only 3 strikes in baseball, but strike 4, he's made you feel bad about your family.

Nope, don't marry him. You'll be supping sorrow with a long spoon if you do.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 21/02/2023 20:15

He doesn't respect you. He says unkind things about your family. Never mind about the secret, get away from him! Don't settle for this.

Newnamenewname109870 · 21/02/2023 20:30

It sounds like a pretty horrific secret. Why try to normalise it if you have that gut reaction?

Luckingfovely · 21/02/2023 20:31

You're always having problems anyway. You're not comfortable with his family.

For god's sake, do NOT marry this man.

SiegePerilous · 21/02/2023 20:43

Look, you've been having problems, and you don't like his family (or him very much, by the sound of it?), and you're actually a bit gleeful to have what you consider both a legitimate reason to consider his family inferior AND to break it off. Win win, I'd say.

Justcallmebebes · 21/02/2023 20:44

Cousins marrying is really not that shocking

user1501270679 · 21/02/2023 20:47

For me personally, weird family shit that is minimised by your partner is a hard no. You can do better.

He not only minimised but he lied about it, as he knows your values don't align on this. Values not aligning on big stuff is also a hard no for me.

You can leave now and not have to deal with this shit ever again.

MorganKitten · 21/02/2023 20:48

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:33

It something incestuous. With inbred children being involved. I already felt they had a very concerning attitude to soke very questionable relationships within the family.

They are of a white British culture. So it confuses me and quite frankly makes me really uncomfortable

What does being white have to do anything.