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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/02/2023 18:18

So you meet someone, fall in love and then his brother declares he's marrying Cousin Betty. You'd break off your relationship @Nedmund ? Even tho it has literally no effect on your life, or genetic lineage?

I wouldn't want to be in a family where first cousins marry and/or have children.

2bazookas · 21/02/2023 18:18

If DP 's parents are cousins, (NOT Incest) and you and he intend to have children, then yes he should have told you that his DNA is pretty concentrated.

If he is not affected by the "inbreeding" issue, he was just being discreet about someone else's private business which is no concern of yours. I'd call that evidence of integrity, an admirable quality.

You shouldn't marry him , not because of his family, but because you don't respect each other.

xprincessxjanetx · 21/02/2023 18:21

If it's cousins then this is a massive over reaction. If it's closer relative (illegal incest) then YANBU.

mumwon · 21/02/2023 18:23

I think op is Megan .... clues dropped in all over the place
Aka incest or close family marriage (and actually there was a history of disabilities in the royal family)
& they look down on me as I can from a broken family

shockthemonkey · 21/02/2023 18:24

PPs have probably already said this, but regardless of the secret, why contemplate getting married to someone you're already having issues with?

Mulhollandmagoo · 21/02/2023 18:27

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:35

@TomatoSandwiches they put the milk in before the tea bag as well

LTB

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 18:30

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 17:05

you say yourself their is no crime involved, so what gives you the right to thisnk it is so shocking?

@MadamArcati99 Strange comment. it's perfectly usual to be shocked by something that's not illegal!

eighteenthirteen1 · 21/02/2023 18:31

His parents are cousins

LaMarschallin · 21/02/2023 18:32

pigsinoodies · 21/02/2023 18:08

It's legal in Norfolk.

Show quote history

It's obligatory in Norfolk.

xprincessxjanetx · 21/02/2023 18:37

LaMarschallin · 21/02/2023 18:32

It's obligatory in Norfolk.

Show quote history

😂

Mangolist · 21/02/2023 18:38

My grandparents were 1st cousins (married in the 1920s), and although it seems a bit odd....we're all OK and it happened, so there's nothing I can do about it!

WinterMusings · 21/02/2023 18:39

Oh for the live if fuck. How are we supposed to know if you're over reacting when you won't say what it is???

but going from your ousts, I'd say it's highly likely you're over reacting.

have you just found out they Polish each other's hooves & don't go to get a professional hoof manicure, pedicure hooficure??

strawberry2017 · 21/02/2023 18:42

RicherThanYews · 21/02/2023 18:01

Unless your DH is somehow involved I don't think it's fair to judge him for his families actions. My own family had a very very very bad incident of incest and when my DH and I found out he didn't run a mile, thank fuck, because I wasn't the one keeping it in the family so not my fault.

She's judging him because of how he's judged her family and his is just as bad

katseyes7 · 21/02/2023 18:42

My friend's husband's dad murdered a child a long time ago.
He had left the marital home when my friend's husband was a small child, he said he wouldn't recognise him if he was standing in front of him.
Friend's husband is lovely, very nice, decent man, with a very responsible and respected job. He isn't his dad.
He said he was relieved when he found out his dad had died, he'd always been afraid of him turning up on the doorstep, especially once they had children.

However. If you're having doubts about marrying this man to start with, this 'secret', whatever it is, will colour your feelings about it.
If you're not comfortable with any of it, don't marry him. It won't end well.

CoolShoeshine · 21/02/2023 18:44

Cousins getting married and having inbred children?

How LIKE the home life of our dear queen 😂

frazzledasarock · 21/02/2023 18:48

Don’t marry someone you don’t want to marry.

don’t marry someone who makes you feel inferior.

don’t marry someone who is mean/unkind not nice to you.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/02/2023 18:48

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:53

@TheShellBeach hit the nail on the head really. Just feels like a massive dynamic shift. I've been made to feel inferior for my family.

OK, putting the annoyance of you being coy about The Secret aside, as nobody can give an opinion on that without knowing what it is -

If your DP makes you feel inferior, whyTF are you marrying him?
If it's his family who makes you feel inferior, whyTF isn't he sticking up for you?

Don't marry him.
You'll be forever trying to prove yourself, to him or his family.
That's surely not the way you want to love your life?

RealBecca · 21/02/2023 18:54

It doesnt affect you at all. He might be embarrassed or not see it as newsworthy.

But you dont sound happy.

iwanttobreakfreeee · 21/02/2023 19:01

Is DP directly related? Or is it somewhere else in the family bloodline?

If you want to have children with him, it's something to consider. If there is incest in his bloodline, that could up the risk factor for you in carrying a healthy baby to term.

I would also reiterate the point that it's not just about the secret - it's about how they've made you feel less than. You don't cover up your own shame by gaslighting someone else. I wouldn't necessarily judge DP for his relatives' behaviour, but it sounds like he was one of the people making you feel less than. So I'd judge him for that.

A partner should make you feel safe and secure, and loved. Does he?

Vinomummyinlockdown · 21/02/2023 19:09

BluIsTheColor · 21/02/2023 16:30

It's cycling, isn't it!

🤣👏🤣

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 21/02/2023 19:11

@Whatheheck can you at least just confirm if the guess about cousins procreating is correct or not?

NightSprinkles · 21/02/2023 19:13

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:28

@whytesnow no it's not. But dp has made me feel that his family is better than mine as I come from a broken home and he doesn't. Now I've learnt this and I think it's explains to me why dp is the way he is but also that his family really aren't perfect as he makes them out to be

Are they muggles?

Seriously though if he has made you feel bad about your family then this is not someone ,ou should get married too irrespective of what you have learnt about him and his family now.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/02/2023 19:15

@ComeTheFckOnBridget Yes but that would deny the OP the heady thrill of what will become a second and third part thread!!

Maireas · 21/02/2023 19:18

Absolutely, @VladmirsPoutine .
Throw in some scaffolders and an improbable twins story and I think that should keep it going.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/02/2023 19:19

Grin There's definitely going to be twins involved somehow!!