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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
3peassuit · 21/02/2023 17:33

He believes he is superior to you because you come from a broken home. I’d bin him for this alone.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/02/2023 17:35

Just call it off. He's a dick to you, keeps secrets and it sounds as though the family is, at least to you, all a bit ewwww.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 21/02/2023 17:38

LaMarschallin · 21/02/2023 17:04

Quite!
Jam on first means you can pile on as much cream as will balance, whereas jam second squashes the cream and some will fall off.
Firmest item on first. It's the only way.

Show quote history

Clotted cream is much firmer than jam, so cream first. Proper job

Fairislefandango · 21/02/2023 17:39

But dp has made me feel that his family is better than mine as I come from a broken home and he doesn't.

Ok so this is one of those "AIBU to think this random (probably minor) issue about my dp is worth splitting up over <totally ignoring all the other things he does which are the actual reasons I should dump him>" threads then?

Wonnle · 21/02/2023 17:40

I hear the sound of distant banjos

Alliswells · 21/02/2023 17:42

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:53

@TheShellBeach hit the nail on the head really. Just feels like a massive dynamic shift. I've been made to feel inferior for my family.

Sounds like he doesn't deserve you x

Nosleepforthismum · 21/02/2023 17:42

How incestuous are we talking? Mum and dad being brother and sister or like grandparents being cousins? It’s obviously not your DP’s fault and he may well have been asked to not mention it to anyone which is why it’s been kept a secret from you. I technically have a horrendous secret about my dad and his experience as a child but I’ve never told my DH as it’s not my secret to share.

However, it sounds as though you have other issues in your relationship as well (milk before the teabag??) so it’s sounding a little like this is the straw that broke the camels back.

MidgeHardcastle · 21/02/2023 17:44

Maybe he didn't find the right time to tell you?
Also don't say you're from a 'broken home'. Who even says that nowadays? It sounds like you feel inferior and this sort of language exacerbates that feeling. Most of the royal cousins are from 'broken homes' and they don't let it bother them! It's not your fault and who cares anyway? Well, apart from this dysfunctional family of course.
Do you think their secret explains why they have a need to feel superior?
Finally, this sounds like one too many reasons for not marrying so either call it off or delay it and attempt to work out if the glitches are deal-breakers.

ShakespearesBlister · 21/02/2023 17:45

Google the Queen's cousins.

amorose · 21/02/2023 17:47

You need to elaborate a bit more before we can give you valid advice but this sounds like a shit relationship without the incestuous claim.

niugboo · 21/02/2023 17:49

Incest is very clearly defined as relations between close family members. That does not include aunt, uncle, cousins etc. so make sure you’ve got facts straight and aren’t being dramatic.

also - the white comment. What?!

ChrisPPancake · 21/02/2023 17:49

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:35

@TomatoSandwiches they put the milk in before the tea bag as well

Bloody hell. That's enough for me. Back out now while you still can!

Lulu1919 · 21/02/2023 17:54

Do they all sleep naked ????

OhmygodDont · 21/02/2023 17:55

Sweet home…..

I think the ops has left.

Spanielsarepainless · 21/02/2023 17:56

If you have doubts, don't marry him. Simple as thar.

RicherThanYews · 21/02/2023 18:01

Unless your DH is somehow involved I don't think it's fair to judge him for his families actions. My own family had a very very very bad incident of incest and when my DH and I found out he didn't run a mile, thank fuck, because I wasn't the one keeping it in the family so not my fault.

pigsinoodies · 21/02/2023 18:05

Are they from Norfolk?

BluIsTheColor · 21/02/2023 18:06

Norfolk and good

ClaritaCee · 21/02/2023 18:07

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:33

It something incestuous. With inbred children being involved. I already felt they had a very concerning attitude to soke very questionable relationships within the family.

They are of a white British culture. So it confuses me and quite frankly makes me really uncomfortable

I thought you said it was nothing illegal?

pigsinoodies · 21/02/2023 18:08

ClaritaCee · 21/02/2023 18:07

I thought you said it was nothing illegal?

Show quote history

It's legal in Norfolk.

ClaritaCee · 21/02/2023 18:08

OhmygodDont · 21/02/2023 17:55

Sweet home…..

I think the ops has left.

Their mum called them down for their tea I expect.

BloggersBlog · 21/02/2023 18:09

ClaritaCee · 21/02/2023 18:08

Their mum called them down for their tea I expect.

Show quote history

Or their editor is happy with how this has taken off and given them another assignment

Nedmund · 21/02/2023 18:09

I wouldn't want to be in a family where first cousins marry and/or have children. Nor would I want to be with someone who is the product of that. Each to their own but inbreeding usually results in genetic mutations, it's a risk if you have more children because how do you know your dp hasn't got a condition he's also kept secret? There's a reason why midwives ask if you're related.

If it's closer than cousins then that's way worse. I know someone who had a child with their half sibling and it is so disgusting. They kept it a secret inside the family their whole life but someone let the cat out of the bag recently. It devestated their children who they had via marriage (outside of the family). If your dp did this, then it's illegal and so, so wrong!

Reasons not to marry:

  • He puts your family beneath him because your parents divorced/didn't marry and aren't together
  • He puts his family on a pedestal
I'm not sure what ethnicity you are but if you are not white British, does that play into the above? Has he got some shining knight complex?
  • Misaligned views

@Whatheheck You don't need a reason though. The wind could change and you just not feel like it anymore. You are able to call it off if you want to. It's a big decision that will change your life. Personally, I'd want to be made to feel equal and my family respected.

Southwestten · 21/02/2023 18:10

what’s happened, op?
Have you discovered that your dh to be has got a posh relation somewhere and you can’t face the shame of it?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/02/2023 18:16

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:53

@TheShellBeach hit the nail on the head really. Just feels like a massive dynamic shift. I've been made to feel inferior for my family.

You don't want to marry him, so don't. You don't need to o drag out some private family matter to prove you're too good for HIM not the other way around. Just break it off.

If the family sleeping with family isn't illegal then frankly it doesn't matter how gross you find it, it's hardly your partners fault. Unless it's his parents or grandparents having children with a very close relative itv also had no impact on you

However I wouldn't marry someone who felt his family were better than none because mine for divorced.