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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
magicthree · 22/02/2023 08:00

However, I don't think I could be part of a family where no one bat an eyelid to cousins marrying. Sure, it's legal, but it goes against my morals.

Oh don't be so ridiculous!!

niugboo · 22/02/2023 08:02

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 22:56

@eighteenthirteen1 something like this yes.

For those saying I've left, yes because I'm worried with it blowing up its exposing

Parents being cousins isn’t incest and is legal.

niugboo · 22/02/2023 08:03

magicthree · 22/02/2023 08:00

However, I don't think I could be part of a family where no one bat an eyelid to cousins marrying. Sure, it's legal, but it goes against my morals.

Oh don't be so ridiculous!!

@magicthree problem is cousin marriages have a much higher rate of genetic issues. This would concern me.

that said the issue here is less about his parents and move about your reaction and the wider context of marrying into such a judgmental family.

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 22/02/2023 12:54

Is his sister really his mother?

This happened in the family of an ex, and no one found out until after the 'sister' passed away and then they found a box of stuff in the loft of her house.

As others have already said though, it's clear from your OP that you have doubts big enough already to end the relationship. This 'secret' is just the icing on the cake.

WiIson · 22/02/2023 13:08

Sister being the mother wasn't unusual back in the 60s/ 70s.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 13:40

WiIson · 22/02/2023 13:08

Sister being the mother wasn't unusual back in the 60s/ 70s.

What?

funnelfan · 22/02/2023 14:20

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 13:40

What?

Show quote history

I presume she means that occasionally you'd get situations where the youngest child of a family, particularly one born after a gap, or a "menopause oops" child was actually the child of the eldest daughter. And the child would be brought up by their grandmother so the eldest daughter could go on and have a life that wasn't tainted by the shame of "having a bastard". Sadly I know of someone who was that "bastard" who remembers children not being allowed to play with them because of it. People were dreadfully cruel.

On the matter of cousin marriages, its legal and as a one-off situation and not multi-generational, its not a problem. The moral and ethical side will very much depend on family circumstances. Looking across mine and DH's family I can see two extremes - one situation where a pair of sisters who had one child each and were widowed young (WW2) and effectively became co-parents. The cousins grew up very close to each other and regarded each other almost as siblings. Another branch of the family where there was an argument and "banishment" and two sets of cousins grew up only having the vaguest idea that the other set even existed, let alone having met them.

In both those situations, a relationship between the cousins would be legal but the ick factors would be massively different. We should be looking more holistically at situations where non-sibling children have grown up very closely together, whether related by blood or marriage, as I think the moral and ethical aspects of them forming sexual relations as adults could be troubling.

Mumof32017 · 22/02/2023 17:41

Cant help when don’t know what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

youshouldnthaveasked · 22/02/2023 17:49

You need to tell the secret

youshouldnthaveasked · 22/02/2023 17:50

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:35

@TomatoSandwiches they put the milk in before the tea bag as well

Nahh, deal breaker for me

TheFlowerArranger · 22/02/2023 17:55

It depends on the secret.

Do they put ketchup (possibly calling it red sauce) all over their plates in a smeared mess rather than neatly on the side with the salt so that they can politely dip each chip into the appropriate amount of salt and then into the appropriate amount of ketchup?
OR
Are they Satan worshippers who sacrifice and eat babies?

If it were the latter then I would live with it and enjoy dancing naked in the moonlight in honour of the High Lord Beelzebub, whereas poor table etiquette is an absolute NO NO. Imagine having years of dinners with his family where they create a mess of tomato sauce on their food in an uncouth and uncivilised manner. Imagine sitting opposite a man eating with the grace of an animal and smearing his food into an unholy slop like the chimpanzees at the zoo.

MadMadaMim · 22/02/2023 17:55

Why do you want to marry someone who makes you feel inferior and with eh you're having problems?

The questionable incest (which is illegal in most countries) is irrelevant.

LikeTearsInRain · 22/02/2023 17:56

Could your DP also be into incest OP?

KittyMa · 22/02/2023 17:59

It's impossible to give advice about something that is merely hinted at. Is it something that you can go to a counsellor about or an organisation? What about a vicar or a priest? I'm really sorry for you to feel like this when you were about to get married. But it's better than getting a divorce later

gogohmm · 22/02/2023 18:01

Cousin marriage or similar is a bit ick but wouldn't be a reason to split up with someone you truly loved, especially if it's significantly in the past. Cousin marriage is legal and wasn't that uncommon in previous generations

Crazycatladyy · 22/02/2023 18:03

Trust your instincts. If you feel that you cannot trust them or even want to be around them, then now is the time to cut ties.

jamdonut · 22/02/2023 18:05

My mum married her mum’s sister’s husband’s brother. That made her first cousins also my first cousins once removed through my maternal side, but through my paternal side my first cousins were her niece and nephew by marriage…
confusing, but all legal lol .

Mrsgreen100 · 22/02/2023 18:08

Red flag
Bail
good luck

Whichwhatnow · 22/02/2023 18:11

Hmm.

My mum's sister is married to their uncle.

We have multiple drug dealers knocking around in our immediate family.

My (kind of) godfather was a London gangster who carried out one of the most notorious crimes of the early noughties.

My dad was a meth addict who was (probably, not openly acknowledged) a rent boy after being kicked out by his alcoholic parents at 14.

My point is - your DP's family secret is (assuming it is married cousins) pretty minor compared to others. I would just let this go.

stacyvaron · 22/02/2023 18:11

Of course NONE OF US can help you since we don't know what you're talking about. My only comment is that you ignore your "gut" at your peril.

Maireas · 22/02/2023 18:11

jamdonut · 22/02/2023 18:05

My mum married her mum’s sister’s husband’s brother. That made her first cousins also my first cousins once removed through my maternal side, but through my paternal side my first cousins were her niece and nephew by marriage…
confusing, but all legal lol .

That's not a blood relative though, is it?

JimHensonWasAGenius · 22/02/2023 18:12

My friend is married to her first cousin and they are white British.

What's so shocking about it?

Suzi9989 · 22/02/2023 18:14

You can choose not to get married just live together

monsteramunch · 22/02/2023 18:15

jamdonut · 22/02/2023 18:05

My mum married her mum’s sister’s husband’s brother. That made her first cousins also my first cousins once removed through my maternal side, but through my paternal side my first cousins were her niece and nephew by marriage…
confusing, but all legal lol .

She didn't marry any blood relation though, just her auntie's brother in law? So no incest at all there. Unless I'm misunderstanding the steps between them!

MustWeDoThis · 22/02/2023 18:16

What you know and what you're told are two different things.

Does friend have evidence? How did they find out? Were they involved in the situation? Why did they tell you?

You're marrying your partner, not their family. Not everyone's families are perfect.

It sounds like you might be using this alleged and potentially incorrect secret as a front to justify that your partner isn't very nice and you want to back out anyway. Trust your gut if they aren't the right one for you, but don't do it off second-hand secrets.

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