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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 22/02/2023 00:54

Cousins marrying and having kids isn't really an issue in one generation.
Their children would have 4 grandparents & 6 great grandparents instead of the normal 8 great grandparents.

It can become an issue when you have Cousins marrying cousins for multiple generations.

Throwncrumbs · 22/02/2023 00:56

My auntie is my dads sister and also my mums sister, work that out

CallieQ · 22/02/2023 01:00

My brother has been married to our cousin for over 40 years it's all perfectly legal

PinkButtercups · 22/02/2023 01:11

Throwncrumbs · 22/02/2023 00:56

My auntie is my dads sister and also my mums sister, work that out

The sister and your dad share a dad but your mum and her sister share a mum?

I think I've just confused myself.

PinkButtercups · 22/02/2023 01:12

@Throwncrumbs so your auntie is the connection between them both but they don't directly share a blood link as your mum and dad do not share the same parents?

Ah, it's too late for this but I'm so intrigued.

BadNomad · 22/02/2023 01:17

Throwncrumbs · 22/02/2023 00:56

My auntie is my dads sister and also my mums sister, work that out

Your parents are step-siblings and your auntie is their shared half-sister.

gloriawasright · 22/02/2023 01:26

If it is that the parents or whoever are cousins that married,I cannot see why this is shocking. It's not incest,it's not illegal.
What it is though ,is no big deal.
Stress and anxiety over nothing.
It's very difficult to answer the op with so little information.just hints at what the problem is.
It was always fairly obvious that the post was going to attract a lot of questions and speculation.
Was that the whole point?

Sugarfree23 · 22/02/2023 01:35

Throwncrumbs · 22/02/2023 00:56

My auntie is my dads sister and also my mums sister, work that out

Has to be step siblings, or something illegal

mynamesnotMa · 22/02/2023 01:38

Do they look alike and wear matching anoraks.
I find it a bit sad. But I'm not horrified.
Think you don't like his family.

Fraaahnces · 22/02/2023 04:39

For those (few) who defend cousin/close marriage, please look at the scientific & medical evidence on here. Especially looking at the increase in number of children born with proven genetic diseases due to consanguinity. This documentary states that children born from cousin marriages are ten times more likely to be born with serious genetic defects or diseases than children who are not.

Bansheed · 22/02/2023 04:42

You're looking for a reason to call it off. This is it. Listen to your gut

Seeleyboo · 22/02/2023 04:53

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:35

@TomatoSandwiches they put the milk in before the tea bag as well

No genuine white British cultured person would do this. He's lying about his race and his nationality. Find his birth certificate now.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 22/02/2023 04:55

Sorry @Whatheheck I have only read your posts on this thread. So I have a question
that I don't expect you to answer:

"Are you engaged to paul gadd's son?"

If you are, and along with some other things you have said on this thread, I think that it would be much better for you to leave this man alone - he does not sound at all nice.

Nedmund · 22/02/2023 05:47

@SleepingStandingUp In these circumstances, yes. This man sounds awful to start with.

However, I don't think I could be part of a family where no one bat an eyelid to cousins marrying. Sure, it's legal, but it goes against my morals.

Sugarfree23 · 22/02/2023 05:48

@Fraaahnces the issue with cousin marriages isn't a huge issue for one generation.
The issue within a section of the Pakistani community is generation after generation marrying their cousins and often 'double cousins' marrying.
Two sisters marrying two brothers.
Their children "double cousins" marrying
The grandchildren only have, 4 grandparents and 4 great grandparents.

A one off generation marrying cousins would have, 4 grandparents and 6 great grandparents. Completely unrelated people would have 4 grandparents and 8 great grandparents.

Allgoodusernamesweretaken · 22/02/2023 06:10

Is his familly the Lannisters?

nyways, if it makes you unfomrotable to this degree, you need to leave him!And anyways, if he has been making you feel inferior, you already should have done so by now.

kateandme · 22/02/2023 06:54

does it matter whether its an exageration. or your being ott. you think like you do and obviously cant get over it. noone can really persaud e you different.they can or might tell you your wrong to thikn that way.and you might be persauded if you work through it. but for now you certainly arent.
so you have your answer.
you cant go into a marriage feeling like this.
as its clear there are wider problems that this ahs bought up to do whether the "lesser" than comments. and "hes made you feel that way"
you need to work this out in your own head and go from there.

Redebs · 22/02/2023 07:19

Sugarfree23 · 22/02/2023 00:54

Cousins marrying and having kids isn't really an issue in one generation.
Their children would have 4 grandparents & 6 great grandparents instead of the normal 8 great grandparents.

It can become an issue when you have Cousins marrying cousins for multiple generations.

This.

I'm still wondering what the 'shocking secret' is 🤔

Redebs · 22/02/2023 07:21

lummsnet · 21/02/2023 23:21

Cousins isn't incest?

Nope, it isn't

lightlypoached · 22/02/2023 07:28

Only in MN an we have multiple parallel discussions on the same thread that cover both incest and the 'correct' order for jam and cream on scones.

We have entered the Twlilight zone.

OP don't marry have too many doubts.

lummsnet · 22/02/2023 07:31

@Redebs I know. I was expressing disbelief. Or rather questioning how the op could think it was.

Zone2NorthLondon · 22/02/2023 07:37

If you’ve already been having problems don’t marry him,he’d the warning signs

Zone2NorthLondon · 22/02/2023 07:37

Heed the warning signs even

JenniferWooley · 22/02/2023 07:38

Butchyrestingface · 21/02/2023 19:41

First cousin marriage is not exciting AT ALL.

Now, a Sawney Bean set of in-laws on the other hand - that'd be worthy of a MN thread or ten ...

I went to Edinburgh Dungeon on a school trip once as a parent helper & there was a thing about Sawney Bean... I had nightmares for weeks

<misses point of thread>

Scirocco · 22/02/2023 07:50

@OP, the nature of whatever the shocking secret is, isn't actually all that important to your decision. What matters for your decision is the answer to one question: Do you definitely want to marry this man?

If the answer isn't "Yes!" then don't marry him.

Cousin marriage is legal but I couldn't marry mine, I still haven't forgiven him for crashing our bikes into the garage wall when I was 7. That sort of resentment would destroy a marriage. Also, I've seen him pick his nose and eat it.