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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 22/02/2023 19:29

Sugarfree23 · 22/02/2023 19:21

@Stressybetty, I think it's a cultural thing within a small part of Pakistan. Its partly an inheritance thing, keeps money within the family.
But if you watch the Dispatches documentary linked to above you see a disproportionate number of special needs children in the UK come from these families.

Costs to NHS are huge.
Not to mention terrible suffering of the children of such unions.

trixie1970 · 22/02/2023 19:41

What is the point in asking this question if you only give a smidgen of the story? (Leaves the thread in exasperation)

WiIson · 22/02/2023 20:01

Probably because if it's very unusual the op is worried that she'll get outed by the daily fail. Probably sensible of her to leave it and run tbh.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/02/2023 20:01

Rumplestrumpet · 21/02/2023 16:22

I voted YABU but only because you can't post that without telling us what it is!

Me too

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/02/2023 20:04

What do you mean by outsourced?
did the friend deliberately tell you? Like a warning?

Bignanny30 · 22/02/2023 20:04

If something that’s not illegal or criminal in his family is bothering you this much that it’s making you rethink marrying him then I’d suggest you don’t do, because the relationship isn’t strong enough.

Apricotjoy · 22/02/2023 20:10

I think you just want an out for the relationship and this is the thing you're going for. If you're unhappy, you don't need an excuse, just go.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 22/02/2023 20:21

Dear @Whatheheck if you have decided not to go through with this marriage for whatever reason, would you please come back and tell us that - you don't need to say what your reason is, but some of us do genuinely care, and would feel just that bit better if we knew you had broken it off, because even without the secret, he does not sound nice enough for you. Take care OP xx

T1Dmama · 22/02/2023 20:41

Ragwort · 21/02/2023 16:27

If you feel uncomfortable about the secret and you were already having some problems then yes, cancel the wedding. Particularly as you have your existing DC to think about.

This

hobbcat · 22/02/2023 20:42

You have doubts - majors ones or you wouldn’t be here airing them. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to walk away from this relationship. Perhaps give yourself some space away from your DP to reflect

jobie70 · 22/02/2023 21:00

What's his family got to do with you marrying him? You're not marrying them! If his family are making you think twice about marrying him... you shouldn't be getting married In the first place .. Cus you obvs don't love himBear

T1Dmama · 22/02/2023 21:01

Have to say that incestuous relationships used to happen a lot years ago here… even the royal family married their own cousins.
1st cousins are still allowed to marry in the U.K. and it’s perfectly legal. That is the closest relation allowed to though. If it’s something like that then I have to say it’s hardly a ‘secret’ and actually no one else’s business.. you’d be marrying him not his family..
I do however think though that it would be wise to call off the wedding anyway, you don’t sound very happy in this relationship and by your own admission he makes you feel inferior.. THAT is no grounds for a marriage.
You already have a child from a previous relationship and I don’t think you should put him/her through a marriage that you’re not happy with, teach your child that it’s not ok to ‘settle’ for someone you’re not 100% sure you want to be with forever!! It’s also not ok to teach your child that it’s ok to marry/be with someone who belittles you and abuses you (yes this is mental abuse).
If he makes you feel crap now I can only wonder what he’ll be like once you’re married or pregnant with his child and never able to be completely free of him.

I think regardless of this new discovery, you aren’t happy and need to pack your bags and leave, or pack his bags and ask him to leave (depending whose house you’re living in!)

I hope you make the right decision and find happiness in the future.

Sadsatsmum · 22/02/2023 21:01

Sorry… Why the fudge does his dad being a murderer or sex offender mean “run”? Doesn’t mean he is and if his dad was either of those things he has probably had stigma, shame and attitudes like yours to deal with his whole life. Why should children of criminals be written off for the actions of someone else. How would you feel if your parent/s did something and you were held accountable?

T1Dmama · 22/02/2023 21:28

I guess that would depend really … if he dad was either of those things and he’d still allowed me to take my child round there without telling me this history then it would be a huge reason to run

LaVieestBelleNestCePas · 22/02/2023 22:02

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:24

@ItsaMetalBand it's nothing criminal or illegal, I don't think. But it makes me highly uncomfortable for me and dc. Mainly because of their attitude to it all

And that’s the problem you see… it’s your feelings about the attitude and there’s something else not quite right.

Wishingwell51 · 22/02/2023 22:07

Here’s the truth about incest that people keep trying to skate around as to not feel guilty about practicing it, as long as a person shares blood/DNA with each other, the type doesn’t matter, and if they become intimate with each other then it’s incest. The fact that they’re cousins, brothers, sisters, or uncles even several times removed doesn’t mean a thing because all that matters is that they match in blood and DNA alone for it to become incest. The only difference is between if it’s moral, ethical or legal in the confines of the law. People who practice incest are morally bankrupt and likely think that what they’re doing is not wrong or they know it’s wrong but do it anyway because they don’t care about it’s all about themselves and their needs. If your gut is telling you not to marry this guy then don’t do it. You should listen to your instincts because it can save you from making a long regrettable mistake.

Moira1951 · 22/02/2023 22:08

When you marry someone, you marry “them” all of them! Your Christmases, birthdays, Easter, holidays, kids birthdays etc will all be intermingled with THEM!!! Personally I’d run a mile. Your relationship isn’t coming across as very solid anyway. His attitude to you and yours, not as good as his! Feck that!

Sooziewoozie · 22/02/2023 22:12

It’s a little difficult to comment as you haven’t given much information. However, whatever this situation makes you feel, those feelings are real so there is no right or wrong as everyone reacts to things differently and if there’s one thing I have learnt in life it’s to listen to my gut. I have gone against it to my peril many times so if I were you, I would act on instinct and cut ties, otherwise you may live to regret it. Wishing you the best of luck.

Mandyjack · 22/02/2023 22:18

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:33

It something incestuous. With inbred children being involved. I already felt they had a very concerning attitude to soke very questionable relationships within the family.

They are of a white British culture. So it confuses me and quite frankly makes me really uncomfortable

What's being white got to do with incest? Are we talking his immediate family? It sounds like you are looking for an excuse to drop him. Incest is illegal BTW

Saju1 · 22/02/2023 22:35

Well does your dp get involved in this secret?

There is a not so pleasing secret in my family, but that's not me, it's them.

It's not his fault the kind of family he comes from. And as long as he is willing to change, or isn't like them, you can just keep your family separate to his.

If you love him, and see a future together, get married.

Also, who doesn't have a family with strange things going on..

GreenFritillary · 22/02/2023 22:35

This OP reminds me of a woman I know, a very very distant relative of the Royals, impoverished, on benefits, and emotionally deprived, who is forever creating drama with various iffy characters and endless lies, to get the equally endless attention she needs.

onlylarkin · 22/02/2023 22:44

I have very toxic inlaws. Criminal behavior, narcissism. From my point of view, what matters will be how he has your back.

Is he willing to set boundaries and follow through with consequences? Because if you say "I am not sure" then walk away.

One thing I will say, I always follow my gut. We have those gut feelings for a reason IMO.

millymollymandy1 · 22/02/2023 22:50

I really don't understand the point of this thread! You can't expect to be given advice regarding something you don't want to share.

mathanxiety · 22/02/2023 23:22

It something incestuous. With inbred children being involved. I already felt they had a very concerning attitude to soke very questionable relationships within the family.

They are of a white British culture. So it confuses me and quite frankly makes me really uncomfortable

@Whatheheck

Do not have anything to do with this family.
If you marry your DP, cut ties with the family.
But I wouldn't marry him.

I would insist he goes to therapy to talk about the family secret too. The two of you need to talk about this together too, in a therapeutic setting. There are massive issues here.

The family you are describing is dangerous.
You can never, ever leave the children with any of its members.
If you separate, what are you going to do about DP access to children and no access for any of his relatives?

mathanxiety · 22/02/2023 23:36

Telling you his family is superior shows the extent of his family's isolation and the strength of his loyalty to it.

Families where there is invest function as little micro societies all unto themselves. They constitute a little world unto themselves, and they see themselves as a group with the wagons circled around it, keeping the rules and morals of the rest of society out, and the family members in.

The power dynamics of families where there is incest are completely dysfunctional. There is a complete and total lack of boundaries in an incestuous family. The most dysfunctional and damaged and malign individual in such families is the one the family organises itself around.

I would run a mile. Your DP clearly has not managed to get his head above the parapet and cannot see the massive dysfunction that has been normalised for him.

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