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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out a shocking secret

412 replies

Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 16:21

I'm meant to be getting married to dp next year. But I've just learnt a shocking secret about his family. Me and dp have been having problems anyways but after learning this secret im annoyed at dp for keeping it and I don't feel comfortable marrying into this family and calling them my family, aibu?

OP posts:
Redebs · 21/02/2023 22:13

pigsinoodies · 21/02/2023 21:34

Norfolk'in way.

Show quote history

🤣

ToWhitToWhoo · 21/02/2023 22:16

If it's not illegal, then I presume it's a cousin marriage, rather than anything closer. In that case, the risk to the children wouldn't be that high, so long as it wasn't repeated over multiple generations. If you are anxious that marrying into a family with inbreeding might be a danger to your own children - no, it wouldn't, so long as you are not yourself related to your partner.

SemperIdem · 21/02/2023 22:21

Whilst not illegal, I do find cousin marriages odd, particularly in cases where they knew each other well as children..

I think that’s the least of your concerns though. As a couple you don’t sound happy, making you feel ashamed of your background is not what a loving partner should do.

Goodread1 · 21/02/2023 22:32

Hi Op
Most families have family secrets ,

It depends on context on how severe the family secret is really?
Is it someone illegal ect?
That's what I would be Seriously Consirdering about this situation,
Whether it's a deal breaker or not?

Obviously Everyone/family has their own dynamic boundaries ect,

How did you stumble across this family secret then?

What do other family members think of this family secret then?

Or
Is only certain few or if anyone else knows about this family secret then?

Jewelanemone · 21/02/2023 22:32

Is your partner one of the Norfolk farmers that Alan Partridge describes?

'You blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother.'

Goodread1 · 21/02/2023 22:33

Oops ment to say is it something illegal ect ?
Or
Is it something else then?

SiobhanSharpe · 21/02/2023 22:37

First cousin marriages two or three generations ago might have been more common than now but they were still considered not quite the ticket.
In my family in the 1920s two ancestors, very well-to-do and middle class, had to leave Ireland and come to England to marry (and stay here for the rest of their lives) because they were first cousins. It was quite the family scandal in Ireland , but it was kept secret in England for over 50 years.

Sisisimone · 21/02/2023 22:41

If this 'shocking secret' is just that 2 cousins got married somewhere along the line then that is a massive overreaction. Most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at that surely. Sounds like you don't want to marry him (or even like him that much) though

LeilaDarling · 21/02/2023 22:45

I had doubts about going ahead with my wedding, I did and am now in a real mess trying to get out of it all. Without even knowing the secret I would say get out asap.

cherish123 · 21/02/2023 22:49

Nudists?

BluIsTheColor · 21/02/2023 22:50

Nudist cyclists!

Original poster
Whatheheck · 21/02/2023 22:56

@eighteenthirteen1 something like this yes.

For those saying I've left, yes because I'm worried with it blowing up its exposing

OP posts:
BluIsTheColor · 21/02/2023 23:04

Can someone post what @eighteenthirteen1 said.
I've lost the will to live.

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 21/02/2023 23:09

eighteenthirteen1 · 21/02/2023 18:31

His parents are cousins

Here.

CaptainCaveMum · 21/02/2023 23:09

I’m assuming it’s something along the lines of his parents are also uncle/niece to each other?

Whatever it is, you don’t really get on with him or his family so you should probably have a wee think about your next steps.

good luck

GoodChat · 21/02/2023 23:10

If you're calling it off because his parents are cousins it sounds like you wanted an excuse and now you have one.

Redebs · 21/02/2023 23:14

Nudist cyclists who voted Tory

XelaM · 21/02/2023 23:14

What's the big deal if his parents are cousins? It's legal

pigsinoodies · 21/02/2023 23:15

Somebody else mentioned it before I got chance but for you youngsters who didn't understand the reference:

Jamieleecurtain · 21/02/2023 23:17

You’re not sure you want to marry him - that’s enough of a giant red flag to cancel the wedding. Add in the family history of incest and increased risk of genetic conditions that means - I would run for the hills

lummsnet · 21/02/2023 23:21

Cousins isn't incest?

MoreSleepPleasee · 21/02/2023 23:21

If my grandparents were cousins I'd keep that as a family secret to be fair. I wouldn't want to tell my partner.

Calling · 21/02/2023 23:35

Dinkleberg · 21/02/2023 16:38

I mean cousins marrying would make me uncomfortable (you have the same grandparents 🤢) but it's not illegal and some don't consider it a big issue.

But when it goes on, many of the children have genetic disorders. Surely that should be avoided.

TheGoodTheBadAndTheIrritated · 21/02/2023 23:42

It’s been happening with the royal family since it’s inception!

I don’t think it’s immoral, wouldn’t do it myself mind you, but if it’s legal then what’s the problem?

Mamanyt · 22/02/2023 00:46

I am in the minority here, voting that YANBU, but only because if something about a man and/or his family makes you that uncomfortable, it is NOT going to get better. In fact, having to keep this secret yourself will make it loom larger and larger, and will, almost certainly, eventually poison the relationship.