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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandfather smacked DS bottom

667 replies

ranblungs · 21/02/2023 14:35

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:29

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:27

@ReneBumsWombats what's changed is that no one has any common sense any longer and can tell the difference between normal loving parents who only ever smacked once in a blue moon when at the end of their tether (perhaps not ideal but acceptable) and violent abusive morons at the other end of the spectrum who knock their families about. Suddenly the world stopped being able to tell the difference and started screaming 'abuse' at everyone and hey presto, smacking is 'violence' and illegal.
Ridiculous. It's not an improvement.

You're not answering the question.

Why, if there is nothing wrong with smacking, do you not do it? How are your techniques an improvement?

WinterMusings · 22/02/2023 14:33

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/02/2023 14:23

No one died from a black eye and broken nose.

What exactly is your point? If it doesn't kill you, it's fine?

Show quote history

@EmmaDilemma5

No, try following the conversation, if you're going to jump in the middle of it. 🙄

A smacked bottom is not violence & abuse, it's a smacked bottom.

it's a simple request to ask that they don't smack him, but the parents need to accept he's too naughty challenging for the grandparents & pay for childcare. Not have histrionics over it.

GoodChat · 22/02/2023 14:33

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:27

@ReneBumsWombats what's changed is that no one has any common sense any longer and can tell the difference between normal loving parents who only ever smacked once in a blue moon when at the end of their tether (perhaps not ideal but acceptable) and violent abusive morons at the other end of the spectrum who knock their families about. Suddenly the world stopped being able to tell the difference and started screaming 'abuse' at everyone and hey presto, smacking is 'violence' and illegal.
Ridiculous. It's not an improvement.

Ok, I'm not being goady here. I honestly want to know your opinion.

If your husband is pissed off at you and hits you once in a blue moon, is that ok?

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:34

The only histrionics I see are the people having their own tantrums because they're being told that hitting kids is shit and unacceptable. Some people really don't like hearing that, for some reason.

GoodChat · 22/02/2023 14:35

it's a simple request to ask that they don't smack him, but the parents need to accept he's too naughty challenging for the grandparents & pay for childcare. Not have histrionics over it.

I do agree that the logical solution is to find alternative childcare as the grandparents have openly admitted they struggle and they're being forced to continue with childcare anyway. It's not a fair situation for the grandparents or the child. The only person winning is the parents.

Beautiful3 · 22/02/2023 14:36

Well I'm 40 and I was raised with smacking, when naughty. I think if you rely on them for childcare, then it's going to be their way. If you dont like it, they'll just refuse to baby sit.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:36

@ReneBumsWombats in my posts I have made my position crystal clear. You do not get to interrogate me. I have covered your points completely in my previous posts.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:36

Why are people saying it's somehow excusable if they're "at the end of their tether"? As the grown up and the parent, isn't it your job to regulate and de-escalate situations and your own emotions before you reach the end of your tether?

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/02/2023 14:38

WinterMusings · 22/02/2023 14:33

@EmmaDilemma5

No, try following the conversation, if you're going to jump in the middle of it. 🙄

A smacked bottom is not violence & abuse, it's a smacked bottom.

it's a simple request to ask that they don't smack him, but the parents need to accept he's too naughty challenging for the grandparents & pay for childcare. Not have histrionics over it.

Show quote history

That's not what you said though.

You said 'no one died from a smacked bum', insinuating it's fine then. And it's not. The fact that no one died from it is completely meaningless.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:38

@GoodChat as you well know, my husband is not trying to raise and discipline me to be a decent human being and therefore has no right to reasonably chastise me, so the answer is obviously no

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:39

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:36

@ReneBumsWombats in my posts I have made my position crystal clear. You do not get to interrogate me. I have covered your points completely in my previous posts.

Defensiveness, anger and refusal to reason from a smacking apologist. How strange.

You haven't answered the question. I've asked why your techniques are better than smacking. It should be an easy answer. Surely you aren't using discipline techniques for no reason?

Pearlygates · 22/02/2023 14:40

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:38

@GoodChat as you well know, my husband is not trying to raise and discipline me to be a decent human being and therefore has no right to reasonably chastise me, so the answer is obviously no

And you think smacking children will make them decent human beings? You're a joke really.

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/02/2023 14:41

:( so many people defending physical violence against young, defenseless children. I'm both flabbergasted and genuinely upset.

Yes, OP should stop using them. But the fact that they offer childcare doesn't mean it's excusable or that they get to do whatever they want to the child in the name of 'discipline'.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:42

@Pearlygates well,no, because, yet again, for another poster hard of comprehension, I did not smack my children

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:43

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:38

@GoodChat as you well know, my husband is not trying to raise and discipline me to be a decent human being and therefore has no right to reasonably chastise me, so the answer is obviously no

my husband is not trying to raise and discipline me to be a decent human being

But surely he wants you to be the best human you can be and be an example of that person? So if it works on kids, why can't he do it to you? It either teaches morality, reason, emotion regulation and right from wrong or it doesn't.

Perhaps instead, if you do something cruel to him, he exacts a natural consequence like refusing to go to dinner with you if you're rude to him and don't apologise?

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:44

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:42

@Pearlygates well,no, because, yet again, for another poster hard of comprehension, I did not smack my children

And yet, while you keep posting, you don't explain why.

You say your techniques are better. What is so objectionable about being asked what the improvement is?

GoodChat · 22/02/2023 14:45

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:38

@GoodChat as you well know, my husband is not trying to raise and discipline me to be a decent human being and therefore has no right to reasonably chastise me, so the answer is obviously no

Ok that answers my question. Thanks.

Pearlygates · 22/02/2023 14:45

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:42

@Pearlygates well,no, because, yet again, for another poster hard of comprehension, I did not smack my children

But you are actively advocating FOR smacking children so are you the one that needs a comprehension class or are you just one of the biggest hypocrites on mumsnet? Again you are joke!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:45

@ReneBumsWombats you're going off on such a weird tangent- I won't be responding to any more of your ramblings

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:49

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:45

@ReneBumsWombats you're going off on such a weird tangent- I won't be responding to any more of your ramblings

I'll let the readers decide for themselves whether I'm weird, rambling and on a tangent, or you just won't answer a simple question.

Why are your techniques an improvement on smacking?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 22/02/2023 14:50

@Pearlygates
But you are actively advocating FOR smacking children so are you the one that needs a comprehension class or are you just one of the biggest hypocrites on mumsnet? Again you are joke!

I'm not actually advocating for smacking children, that's what you're choosing to take from my posts. But whatever. You seem to be insisting that I'm really funny, so I'll take that, thanks! Grin

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 14:58

I'm not actually advocating for smacking children

You're not quite advocating it, but you're certainly excusing it and that's frankly close enough. Why are your techniques better? What's the improvement? If you can't say, why are you using them?

2022again · 22/02/2023 15:03

shall i try and explain again to some of those on the "smack=child abuse" end of the scale. I am the grandads age but actually have primary school age kids so am well used to some of the societal changes that have occurred since I was young and teachers still smacked in school and I was smacked by my parents. I'm ashamed to say that I have hit my kids on occasion when they were young - not deliberately, not to punish them but because I have myself lost control and was unable to manage the situation in another way. When you grow up where smacking was used in your home , you haven't always been raised to manage your own emotions well and learnt alternative ways of dealing with your kids. I never intended to hit my kids but it happened...should I be defining myself as a child abuser? Should I have been reported to social services? I imagine few parents deliberately choose to use corporal punishment these days but it doesn't mean to say that we are all suddenly fab parents who have great skills in handling our kids and to call people child abusers for smacking means that people are far less likely to be able to admit to their actions and seek help/support in changing their behaviour.

GoodChat · 22/02/2023 15:11

@2022again have you sought support to help you manage your emotions, as you've admitted this is a lack of control on your part not the fault of your children?

ReneBumsWombats · 22/02/2023 15:12

2022again · 22/02/2023 15:03

shall i try and explain again to some of those on the "smack=child abuse" end of the scale. I am the grandads age but actually have primary school age kids so am well used to some of the societal changes that have occurred since I was young and teachers still smacked in school and I was smacked by my parents. I'm ashamed to say that I have hit my kids on occasion when they were young - not deliberately, not to punish them but because I have myself lost control and was unable to manage the situation in another way. When you grow up where smacking was used in your home , you haven't always been raised to manage your own emotions well and learnt alternative ways of dealing with your kids. I never intended to hit my kids but it happened...should I be defining myself as a child abuser? Should I have been reported to social services? I imagine few parents deliberately choose to use corporal punishment these days but it doesn't mean to say that we are all suddenly fab parents who have great skills in handling our kids and to call people child abusers for smacking means that people are far less likely to be able to admit to their actions and seek help/support in changing their behaviour.

In your case, you made mistakes but you are now clear on what they were and you aren't too chickenshit and mealy-mouthed to state clearly, in 2023, why smacking is a failure of parenting, even though you did it yourself.

You understand why smacking doesn't work and the damaging effect it had on you, not least becoming a smacker yourself. But you aren't making excuses for it.

At least in your day it was only theoretical that it was damaging. People advocating or excusing it today haven't got any such excuse: the evidence is in and we know it's shit.

I'd say you made mistakes but you're a product of your time and you aren't afraid to say why smacking has always been wrong, you know better now and you reject it now.

Makes all the difference, I think.