Grandfather smacked DS bottom

[ranblungs]

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

This 100%

😂They'd rightly laugh in your face

Absolutely
It will escalate and is extremely damaging to kids.
If the adult can't understand that we don't do that nowadays, then he's not capable of looking after a child.

So it's making you feel old but you also know it's an outdated form of punishment?

The grandfather is only 50. He knows.

You're not overreacting OP. Your poor son 😢
He wouldn't be stepping his foot in that house ever again.

I am completely anti smacking.

But have some perspective. OP is separated from her Ex and so doesn't have much power. She can't make that decision.

Very balanced view.

@SVRT19674 I agree. I'm 46 and had a fair few slaps on my thighs/bum as did my DH who is 51.

@Mamansparkles and @Flamingogirl08 they are 50.

No one died from a smacked bottom.

@WinterMusings violence escalates and children die as a result of it - especially violence from men.

So let me get this right, the "older generation" think a smack on the bum is OK and it should be a regular occurrence when a 4 year old "acts up"?

And if that's the case, I thank God that I'm not from that generation and our generation if more clued up. My DS can be quite difficult and If i smacked him every time he did something naughty that poor kid would be all bruised up!

Yes, SOME older people think this, doesn't make them right, neither does it make them child abusers. What's your point?

What's my point?? At what point does it becomes child abuse? That's my point!

In contrast my mother (55) was bever smacked. By her parents. There is a story often bought up in our family where a teacher smacked my aunt across the face at school (back in the mid 70's). The following day my Granny (who I miss every second) walked into the classroom and slapped the teacher across the face. As my Granny told it she never heard of that teacher doing it to anyone again.

So not a generational thing. Was and always will be an arsehole on a power trip thing.

Indeed, one moment you are a grandparent lightly smacking a cranky misbehaving child on the bum, next you are Britain's biggest peadophile. One must tread carefully.

@bigbazooka What's my point?? At what point does it becomes child abuse? That's my point!

Well, that's not a point, it's a question. And the answer is, at no point does a simple smack on the bum by an otherwise loving parent or grandparent become child abuse. Obviously.

An action or behaviour becomes abuse when it's done to someone without their consent, particularly when it's using power to manipulate that person's relative vulnerability. Hitting someone is crossing their boundaries, using power and pain to control them. It's abuse.

Shouting, emotional manipulation, name-calling and withholding affection are also abuse. Hitting is quite a long way along the spectrum of abusive behaviours, in fact, if you want to see it as a line with abuse/not-abuse markers.

@Ceilingplaits Righty-ho so we've now to refer ourselves to social services for child abuse offences if we ever shout at our children? Fuck's sake this is really descending into chaos

In my opinion, no parent/grandparent is loving if all they can think of is to smack a child every time they misbehave. It's never just a "simple smack" .
To each their own.

It's not a generation or age issue. The GF is a similar age to me. I was never hit by my parents, or by my grandparents. I have never hit my children.

I would however hit the fucking roof if my father hit and pushed my child.

It's not age related. There are 25 year olds who believe that hitting their child is fine. There are 75 year olds who know that it is a loss of control by an adult that is not coping, and way to shut a child up.

It comes from a belief that you have a right to hit a child that outweighs the right of the child not to be hit. Which is pretty vile when you think about it.

Unfortunately, a huge source of childcare doesn’t equate to a safe and secure source of childcare and your child’s well-being cannot be compromised for their reliability.
I understand that this will impact you but I think some big decisions need making regarding childcare.
So sorry you even have to think of this

If a child gets smacked 3 times a day for not doing something that they've been asked to do, but their parent is otherwise loving, is that ok?

I can't see how it is.

I think age very much plays a part. I am in my late 40s, corporal punishment in schools was still a thing when I was younger and parents smacking their kids, while not universal, was not seen as the big deal that it is today. I remember on more then a few occasions parents publically smacking their kids on the hand or across the back of the legs in supermarkets or on the street. You never see that these days. Obviously we have moved on insofar as parents being educated to use more thoughtful and constructive tools as forms of punishment or ways to install discipline. I remember getting smacked twice as a child, it certainly was not some day to day feature of my childhood. I was being a particularly difficult obnoxious little shit to my frazzled mum on one occasion and she smacked me across the back of the legs. She did not even connect properly, it did not hurt at all but what made me cry was the shock that I had driven her to take such action. She apologised to me shortly afterwards and gave me a big hug but I was also very aware I had crossed a line. At no point did I feel that she did not love me. My $0.02 anyway.