Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Youngest child is such hard work I don't know how to do this anymore

148 replies

strugglingma · 21/02/2023 09:24

I have 2 dd 5 and 7 that couldn't be more different.
Oldest loves school has never been in trouble and is really easy at home, very well behaved, polite, chatty and fun to do things with.
However her younger sister is the complete opposite, hates school, never does as she's told is hard work, strong willed and I can't even have a conversation with her eg how was school will just get silence.
She smacks me when I tell her not to do something or if she can't have her own way (she's never been smacked) she deliberately winds up her sister which causes her sister to whinge, we can't take her to any shops, as she runs around and I'm just so drained and tired with it all.
I have tried the naughty step but she just says no.

It's unfair on my eldest daughter who misses out on so much because of her, we try and play board games but dd2 will ruin it or if she does craft dd2 will try and ruin it.
I am also a SAHM so this is my life and I love both girls but my youngest dominates the family because she's so difficult.
I feel deep down she is spoiling dd1 childhood because the dynamic would be so different if it wasn't for her and instead of the loving happy mum she deserved she's got a tired, drained mum who is at her wits end.
I love my youngest dearly but she's destroying my soul and the rest of the family.

OP posts:
Squamata · 21/02/2023 09:31

You sound negative about her and she probably picks up on this. Like you and dd1 would have a cushty happy life without her and you resent her. Look at it from her point of view.

Smacking you is unacceptable. Absolute scorched earth disapproval if this happens - removal of privileges etc. She's getting a bit old for sitting on a step but if you decide she goes there then she goes there, if she refuses you put her there and return her as long as it takes. Sending her to her room might be better though.

Praise good behaviour. Spend time with her 121. Tell her what you love about her.

Tbh I'd also consider a part time job to build your confidence and make you feel a bit less trapped. If sahm doesn't work for you, there's no shame in that - you might need more stimulus outside the home. You sound a bit defeated and depressed.

In short, I'd grow a pair in terms of discipline, stop thinking of her as a problem and start thinking of her as a child, and get some more perspective on it all.

Have you ever read how to talk so kids will listen?

JamJarJane · 21/02/2023 09:32

This sounds so hard. When my sons were little I went through something similar but with my eldest. Turned out he has ASD. So that might be worth considering. Also, does she get one-to-one time with you? I think this makes a huge difference. Can you take her somewhere she enjoys once a week, just the two of you?

RudsyFarmer · 21/02/2023 09:36

You have to parent the child you have not the child you want. You need to meet her where she is right now. What does she like doing? Do more of that as a starting point.

FurrylittleMonkie · 21/02/2023 09:36

What is it she hates about school OP? Not much to hate about school at that age. Maybe that will give you some clues as to what she is struggling with more widely? Eg noise, over stimulation, social interaction/ getting on with friends. As for the hitting, she’s telling you (not in a great way of course) that something is up and unfortunately you’re the one who has to work out what that is because she won’t be able to explain or make sense of it at her age. I hope this helps. Good luck x

FilthyforFirth · 21/02/2023 09:36

I'm worried this will be me in a few years. I have a 5 and 2 year old with a very similar dynamic. I do spend 121 time with DS2 and I think that helps. He loves his brother but is very jealous of him I think.

I think pp is right, do more 121 stuff with her. I often tell DS2 how much I love him, what his good points are in a bid to balance out how much I have to tell him off..

VivaVivaa · 21/02/2023 09:42

RudsyFarmer · 21/02/2023 09:36

You have to parent the child you have not the child you want. You need to meet her where she is right now. What does she like doing? Do more of that as a starting point.

Agree with this. You roll the dice each time you have DC. You were lucky with the temperament of number 1 and less so with number 2. You still need to dig deep and accept parenting her will be a much harder task than DD1, as opposed to viewing her as a problem. What are her good points? What do you connect with her over when you aren’t telling her off?

Original poster
strugglingma · 21/02/2023 09:44

What is it she hates about school OP?
She says it goes on too long and home time takes forever to come.
I think she's bored there because she's not interested in the work or the discipline.
I see this at home when she has homework and she says it's taking too long.

OP posts:
FurrylittleMonkie · 21/02/2023 09:47

Is she in Reception or Year 1?

cestlavielife · 21/02/2023 09:50

Talk to her teachers.
Behaviour is communication

mycatsanutter · 21/02/2023 09:51

This does sound draining . With regards to deliberately spoil board games /craft activities remove her from the table , don't engage in discussions about her actions as this is giving her attention just a simple ' you know that's unacceptable' and sit her on the stairs for 5 minutes obviously she will get up so you sit her back down repeatedly with no conversation. When the 5 mins are up a cheery ' right let's get back to what we were doing ' . She will soon learn which is more fun . Then the 2nd thing which is probably going to sound odd but honestly it works - you interrupt them when they are behaving to tell them how proud you are of them . So she is walking down the street nicely holding your hand you say ' dd im so proud of how you are walking nicely this is great behaviour ' sits at the table eating her tea ' dd im loving your behaviour this tea time it's great ' . Just little interruptions throughout the day , literally stop look at her and tell her . So the negative behaviour gets her zero attention just removed from the situation and the positive behaviour is reinforced .

RudsyFarmer · 21/02/2023 09:51

cestlavielife · 21/02/2023 09:50

Talk to her teachers.
Behaviour is communication

I like that. I haven’t heard it before but it’s completely right.

Madeintowerhamlets · 21/02/2023 09:53

Your 5 year old DD sounds very similar to mine in terms of temperament. I only have one so I can’t comment on the sibling dynamic though I have often thought my DD would really struggle with a sibling! I think as others have said it’s hard because to some extent they do pick up on the fact that they are labelled as hard work. What has worked with my DD is to really try & understand where she’s coming from when she’s upset. I am also very careful these days not to talk about her negatively in front of her as I think it just reinforces that label of being hard work. I try to be on her side. I do appreciate this is easier when you only have one to parent though.

Nicetoseeyou1980 · 21/02/2023 09:56

What is your dd like at school? Has she always been like this? Or has it been since starting school.
Maybe work with her to introduce some small goals, like kind hands,listening and such like.
Then as a reward do something nice at the weekend so she has something to motivate her and something to look forward to.

Original poster
strugglingma · 21/02/2023 09:58

FurrylittleMonkie · 21/02/2023 09:47

Is she in Reception or Year 1?

We call it foundation, the first year of school before year 1.

OP posts:
Tallulasdancingshoes · 21/02/2023 10:00

This sounds really hard. Have school ever suggested she could have a SEN condition? Such as ASD or ADHD? My nephew is 6 and will likely be diagnosed with ADHD (assessments being completed). A lot of the behaviour you’re describing is similar to that of my nephew and quite typical of child with ADHD. It might be something worth considering, because if your dd does have a need then it can be managed and you can get support, which will help the whole family.

Mariposista · 21/02/2023 10:00

She needs to learn she is not in charge and life is not always about her?
You put her on the step and she says no? Not her call to make. Put her back again, and again and again. Remove privileges.
If she won't behave in the shops, she goes on reins like a toddler. Very embarrassing, she'll soon get it.

Squamata · 21/02/2023 10:00

VivaVivaa · 21/02/2023 09:42

Agree with this. You roll the dice each time you have DC. You were lucky with the temperament of number 1 and less so with number 2. You still need to dig deep and accept parenting her will be a much harder task than DD1, as opposed to viewing her as a problem. What are her good points? What do you connect with her over when you aren’t telling her off?

Show quote history

@VivaVivaa see I think this is the problem, seeing dd2 as a misfortune. Yes, having kids is a roll of the dice and some kids take much more input and patience than others. But a child's mother should be the one to see the best in them, not decide they're a bad egg that's too much bother.

There must be an approach that would work better for dd2, it's just different to the approach that works for dd1. Maybe she's not going to be into games and crafts and needs something else?

Original poster
strugglingma · 21/02/2023 10:00

cestlavielife · 21/02/2023 09:50

Talk to her teachers.
Behaviour is communication

She has a parents evening this week coincidentally. She's only had 1 so far and her teacher said she had no concerns with her behaviour at school, and her nursery thought she was good but agreed she's very strong willed and stubborn.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 21/02/2023 10:02

Lots of children find it hard to talk about their day at school. I also doubt that your youngest "never" does what she's told. As others have said, you need to catch her when she is behaving and praise her, then minimise the attention when she is not doing what you want.

Her behaviour is because she is struggling with things atm, not some essential part of her personality. Try and list as many things that you like about her as those you don't like - it can be a useful exercise to help you see the whole child and not just the problematic behaviours.

Original poster
strugglingma · 21/02/2023 10:04

Nicetoseeyou1980 · 21/02/2023 09:56

What is your dd like at school? Has she always been like this? Or has it been since starting school.
Maybe work with her to introduce some small goals, like kind hands,listening and such like.
Then as a reward do something nice at the weekend so she has something to motivate her and something to look forward to.

She's always been like it, everyone kept saying once she starts school she'll settle down.

OP posts:
ParentsTrapped · 21/02/2023 10:08

I have a similar dynamic with my kids except it’s my eldest who is more of a challenge. She is also 5 and it is completely normal for them not to tell you much detail about their day at school! I wonder if your expectations of her are too high because you are judging her by the standards of your older child?

Nothing in your post says SEN to me. It sounds like she’s stuck in a vicious circle of negativity where she feels you disapprove of her, prefer her sister, and is acting up to vent her sadness/frustration and get your attention (negative attention better than nothing from her POV). Like others have said you need to massively reinforce the positive, deflect the negative, stop seeing her as ruining your life and start making her feel really special.

Geneticsbunny · 21/02/2023 10:14

As others have said, behaviour is communication. I have a awn child but whenever we hit a weird bit of behaviour we do an ABC chart, anticedent, behaviour, consequence. Basically recording before, during and after each incident of a specific behaviour like smacking. Once you have five or so incidents you can see if there is anything which links them. Do they always happen after school when she is tired? Is it when you are focusing attention on your other daughter? Is it when the environment is noisy or busy? Etc. Eventually this will help you pinpoint why she is doing it and you can help her to stop.

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/02/2023 10:14

Regarding behaviour in shops, it's boring for a 5 year old to follow round after their parents browsing/shopping. For children struggling with behaviour it's a tricky challenge!

You can rehearse with her what your expectations are before you go in, and then you can engage her in your shopping activities. So ask her to help you spot what you're looking for, to fetch things for you, or play I Spy as you go round etc etc. Praise any nice behaviour at all, even if small.

Geneticsbunny · 21/02/2023 10:14

Awn should say Sen not sure what happened there!

Original poster
strugglingma · 21/02/2023 10:21

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/02/2023 10:14

Regarding behaviour in shops, it's boring for a 5 year old to follow round after their parents browsing/shopping. For children struggling with behaviour it's a tricky challenge!

You can rehearse with her what your expectations are before you go in, and then you can engage her in your shopping activities. So ask her to help you spot what you're looking for, to fetch things for you, or play I Spy as you go round etc etc. Praise any nice behaviour at all, even if small.

We do try hard to keep things fun so she behaves but other people's expectations are higher than ours because they don't know that's actually an improvement for her so when she's acting up but not as bad as she has done we try to pick our battles but then other people expect you to discipline or they start telling her off in shops or restaurants because we haven't but we are trying to pick battles not let her do as she pleases as it looks to onlookers when she's actually behaving much better.

OP posts: