Youngest child is such hard work I don't know how to do this anymore

[strugglingma]

I have 2 dd 5 and 7 that couldn't be more different.
Oldest loves school has never been in trouble and is really easy at home, very well behaved, polite, chatty and fun to do things with.
However her younger sister is the complete opposite, hates school, never does as she's told is hard work, strong willed and I can't even have a conversation with her eg how was school will just get silence.
She smacks me when I tell her not to do something or if she can't have her own way (she's never been smacked) she deliberately winds up her sister which causes her sister to whinge, we can't take her to any shops, as she runs around and I'm just so drained and tired with it all.
I have tried the naughty step but she just says no.

It's unfair on my eldest daughter who misses out on so much because of her, we try and play board games but dd2 will ruin it or if she does craft dd2 will try and ruin it.
I am also a SAHM so this is my life and I love both girls but my youngest dominates the family because she's so difficult.
I feel deep down she is spoiling dd1 childhood because the dynamic would be so different if it wasn't for her and instead of the loving happy mum she deserved she's got a tired, drained mum who is at her wits end.
I love my youngest dearly but she's destroying my soul and the rest of the family.

I know this feeling well, I go through phases of this with my youngest DS4, thinking life would be so much easier and pleasant with just my older two girls and resenting him. Both me and my husband noticed that our attitude changes towards him and he definitely picks up on this so we make a conscious effort to praise him and give some positive attention and one on one time also. We always notice a big improvement in his behaviour.

I haven’t read all responses but my eldest son is like this - he is autistic with ADHD. I could have written what you wrote a year or two ago before he got diagnosed and before we had better strategies as parents to help manage his behaviour. Some of what you are saying is really familiar- deliberate disruption of games / activities, overstimulation and dysregulated behaviour in places like shops / restaurants etc, baiting and wind up behaviour of siblings etc etc. Because he’s very bright school never really reported issues as I think he flew under the radar but home behaviour was really a struggle. He also spoke early and maintains eye contact - autism has a very broad spectrum of presentation. Does she have any hyperfixations or special interests? Does she have sensory issues or strong preferences with respect to foods/ textures or a very limited diet? How is she coping socially? She may be finding school extremely exhausting.

I would advise you to get an assessment done, it’s so much better to know and you have nothing to lose. Every extra year of knowledge and support is so important, especially in the context of your overall family unit’s happiness. Reading books like The Explosive Child by Ross Green can also help with implementing low demand parenting and collaborative problem solving WITH your child rather than always being in opposition to them which further erodes your relationship. Good luck, it’s bloody hard sometimes.

You can do both.Naughty step and then look at the cause and talking about what happened.
And naughty behaviours ARE wrong, It is your duty to teach a child that.We all have negative feelings but we must learn to moderate our behaviour and communicate them in a more appropriate way.

Have to say it could be ADHD and I agree parenting her as if she does have it won't harm her.

Check out peace and parenting on Instagram. They have some really interesting stuff, which may help you see things differently. It is a lot about connecting and empathy. And the 'bad' behaviour is often the build up of a lot of things happening in a row eg small things that mean a lot to the child, but we haven't noticed they haven't gone the way the child wants, leading to deregulation. I'm not explaining it very well, but worth looking at the insta page
www.instagram.com/p/Co5G1jTJP-I/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

You seem to have set yourself up abscapegoat and a golden child there.

My 5 yr old is a lot like this while my 18 month old is very easygoing.

What I do is look at ways to help my eldest regulate his emotions, yet remain mindful of giving the youngest nybtime and attention even though she's quieter.

Noons ruing anyone's childhood, they're siblings, they're not meant to be the same.

You however need to accept the importance of both theirnchidlhoods and your job is to help them both get through any struggles. Is it easy? No it isn't, however that's not your 5 yr olds fault, she's 5, she has the personality she has and requires love and nurting as much as your golden child.

You CAN do both but the naught step doesn't do anything but humiliate ansbshame the child and doesn't give effective long term guidance. 'naughty behaviours are wrong' ach give over she's 5, she's not hurting anyone by running about in a shop, concern should be for keeping her safe in that situation not stopping a child from burning some energy because it's wrong

Yup I parent my eldest as if he has ADHD. Regardless because it's what works for the behaviours. My 2 kids are just different from one another, not good or bad.

For now I would help her with it but be working on individual skills with putting on her clothes. Can she button her buttons? Zip her zips? Get her feet into her trousers? Some children need to be taught these things as individual skills! Teaching a skill in a way that you can make into a song or a game is good, kids like that kind of thing.

Routine is also good. It's ok to play around a bit to find a routine that works for you. You don't have to regiment every minute of the day but a general, we get dressed at this time, we have breakfast at this time, we go for a walk at this time, we have quiet time at this time, will help her "see" the daily schedule and her brain can start self-regulating to the schedule.

Accompanying you in the store is a skill. I find with my ADHD kid that having specific instructions really helps. You need to create a habit that works so you can get through daily life. So, going through the shops, that might be, you hold mum's hand. You need some rules for holding mum's hand. What are the boundaries (think these through beforehand). Do you hold mum's hand in the bathroom? Well, no, not while you are going potty. That would be too silly! Do you hold mum's hand crossing the street? Yes. Do you hold mum's hand while she's pushing the grocery cart? No, how will she push the cart with just one hand? While she pushes the cart, you will hold the cart with one hand. Your other hand can point at things you want to talk about.

Then you create opportunities to practice: go to the store to get one thing. If you do well with following the instructions, you get a tiny reward (a tiny candy, for example). If you aren't able to follow the instructions, then you don't get the reward, but we'll try again tomorrow. This trip has to be short, create a situation where she can win! Don't give in to the desire to get two things or five things. One thing. Next time, increase the difficulty a little bit, this time we'll get two things. And so on. Instead of punishments, you are using rewards. You are creating the conditions for success. You are showing her that you have an expectation she will follow instructions, and that she is capable of meeting your expectations. Over time it becomes a habit.

Sketch out the skill in your mind. What does it look like in practice? If the store is too difficult, .e.g you have to go on the bus and she won't hold your hand there, make it easier. Walk to the corner and back with her holding your hand. Tiny candy if she succeeds. If she doesn't, no matter, we'll try again tomorrow. Calm, cheerful, not bitter or blaming. Keep building it up till it's where you need it to be. Don't make skill-building an overbearing thing that takes up all her time, she will burn out and feel like her day is all work, work, work. One new skill at a time. Be aware some skills she may not be able to build yet. If she can't button her own buttons or isn't strong enough to pull her own trousers all the way up, creating a goal that she will dress herself may be unrealistic.

I would get both girls together one day when no one is too tired and emotional and work together to draw up some 'house rules' or 'family rules'. Get them to suggest what would make it nice at home. Like being kind, helping each other etc.
talk about what makes it not so nice for each person.
Agree some 'rules' then have a reward system for keeping to them. Also set boundaries for when they are broken.
Make sure dd2 has enough sleep, relaxation and time to unwind after school and don't overload her. As pp have said try and get some successes / wins with situations she fjj in ds challenging and build on these.

she's not hurting anyone by running about in a shop,

That's not true. I am getting old enough that a kid running about in a confined space is a real danger to me. I am slowly recovering from a broken limb, do I want an energetic five year old who is not paying attention running into me while I'm carefully navigating the supermarket? The OP needs to keep her DD and other people safe.

Time out (not necessarily a "naughty step" as such) is a sensible response to physical aggression. You need to do prevention as well but when the worst happens you can't just ignore it.

My sister is 4 years older than me. She's 42, I'm 38.
She was the nightmare growing up, ruining every game, day out, Christmas, birthday and holiday. She was only mildly rebellious (but enough to wind up my mum) and smoked, drank, and got in the occassional bit of trouble throughout school. She struggled with her weight a little bit. She was clever, but not crazily academic.
I was little miss perfect in comparison. I never caused a minute of trouble growing up, was good at everything and was the golden child.
I'm only commenting to share the lasting damage that my mum's engineering of this dynamic has caused. My sister and I barely speak and go years without seeing eachother.
She resents my mum for constantly picking on and criticising her through her childhood. I resent my mum for inflicting on me the pressure to be 'perfect', which has caused me some considerable issues, including anxiety, in my adult life.
And of course, my sister and I were never going to get on once we'd been pitted against eachother like this.
Sorry OP, no advice for you, but your description of your 2 daughters hit home for me.

Please try to connect with her - you sound so negative about her. She’s a little child not the enemy and not spoiler of you DC1’s childhood.

There could be more going on -ASD or ADHD or does she simply find school tough. I have a son with ADHD who is 16 - his whole life he has been more difficult than others but now I would say he is kindest of my older children.

My second born was hard work, he needed to be taken out and to do physical stuff rather than be in doing craft etc., He loved soft play from around 18 months, the playground etc.
Wasn't really a sit still sort of young child and I had to do stuff with him that he liked rather than elder dd.
Even now as a late teen he bores easily and is always doing ‘something’.
His behaviour was always good at school, much better than at home! That is the norm.

Different if she's running into people, just gallivanting about is very different to barging into people

Yup my son now at 5 can manage on 1 big physical thing a day, an hour or 2 dog walk on scooter or bike. At 1.5 we'd do softplay in the morning, lunch, he'd nap, I'd get some bits done then we'd be at the park for 2 hours, home for snack, walk to train station to meet his dad. Had to be constantly physically busy. My daughter at 1.5, likes a walk in her buggy, a wee gallivant at the park or softplay then she's happy drawinh and playing with her dolls teddies and cars. I'm glad it happened this way round so I didn't have a chance to be the smug mum of the calm child before hand. Instead I get a bit of vindication that ig wasn't me making him insanely busy 😂

Did your youngest have a long period of having bad dreams?

Oh this is so familiar- similar problems for us but DC1 was the horror (often really uncontrollable, impulsive and exhausting) and DC2 the easy one. I used to think of them as horrid Henry and Peter Perfect (never said that to them :)

Things that helped slightly were positive goals (reward charts etc), as this can break bad habits. Punishment just didn’t work and made things worse.

My eldest did go on to have some problems with behaviour, motivation and friendships at school in their teens however and they were diagnosed with ADHD. It’s not such a terrible thing as knowledge is power and the treatment has been transformational and said child has just graduated from university and is now a lovely and talented adult. This child was not ever hyperactive but was impulsive, didn’t listen, focus or act on anything very much - even if it was for their own benefit and it was so stressful for them and for us.

Im not saying this is your problem at all - but this was our experience. Children have different personalities and they change as they mature, seek and maintain friendships and find their place.

My older one sounds like your second, my second is MUCH calmer and easier. My older is awaiting assessment for ASD But she doesn't present in the way everyone thinks of which is more the boy way, she's ridged and explosive demand avoidant and she has many sensory problems. She can make eye contact but not when your in her face, like brushing her teeth which reminds me of when you said about feeding you younger when tiny. I will get her assessed for ADHD when she's old enough because I think that's likely too, doesn't stay still or stop talking and she can't relax.

Have a look at ASD in girls and PDA autism

Did your youngest have a long period of having bad dreams?

Well yes absolute night terrors. She would get up and act out her nightmares absolutely terrified but was still fast asleep, her eyes would be open but glazed over and nothing could wake her from her dream, she would fight off anyone who tried to comfort her and in the morning remember nothing and think we made it up.

Did your youngest have a long period of having bad dreams?

@adiposegirl2 can I ask why you ask that? I'm curious to the relevance as to my last comment as I've never objected the two.

Well arent yoi a horrible excuse for a human.

She also wets the bed on occasion too and although she goes to the toilet herself, she doesn't wipe although she knows how to she can't be bothered, she wants to be in and out and so comes home with pooey knickers. (Sorry)

Maybe not. Nursery could not see ds's ASD, and neither could primary or secondary school see dd's ASD.

Lots of neurodiverse indicators there. Is she really bendy too?