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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate some of the negative male narrative re having kids

175 replies

ChocChoc889 · 21/02/2023 02:30

I'm 33, friends are starting to have babies/planning to have them soon/talking about it. DP and I had a practical talk about what it would look like, mat leave etc tonight. He's so fucking down about it! Like it's some enormous thing he needs to get his head around. In one breath he says he wants kids and how lovely it is having a family but then he starts getting all negative. All our male friends are the same, joke about how their life is about to end.

And I'm sitting here trying to convince him it'll be fine but you know what, I really want to tell him to FUCK OFF. I'm the one having to carry the baby, taking all the health and career risks, I'm the one having to take maternity leave etc, in the short term it's really shit for me. And I really want someone who's excited and happy and wants to do this with me.

I make 2x times his salary. I have a very supportive mum. I could comfortably go have a baby on my own. And after tonight's conversation, I'm really fucking tempted to walk away. I don't want to be some kind of downer who trapped him for the next 20 years.

Anyone else felt this way? Or are all the men I know a bit shit?

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 21/02/2023 13:15

YANBU. Tell him what you've told us. It's a privilege to have children with you, you're great,

TinyCactusInAPot · 21/02/2023 13:19

He does not sound all in tbh

i’d reassess the situation

personally I would only have a baby with someone who was absolutely excited about the idea

if he’s already so negative, the first 2 years are going to very rocky for you both

Blueberrywitch · 21/02/2023 13:21

my DP is often a bit of a downer about every single idea I have, BUT will usually always come around and also be happy in the end. He is just quite a cautious soul. I have learnt to plant “idea nuggets” always expect a “absolutely not” response and then just chip away at his resolve in a pleasant way until he gives in.

I don’t know many women whose partners have been all “1000% YES” about kids but I know those men are wonderful and would make good dads. I could almost support a vague theory that it is precisely the men who are really realistic about the challenges and cautious about the idea that actually will end up making good dads.

Probably chauvinists who don’t do any housework think babies are a grand idea as they don’t think they’ll need to do any work!

VivaVivaa · 21/02/2023 13:23

I could almost support a vague theory that it is precisely the men who are really realistic about the challenges and cautious about the idea that actually will end up making good dads

Completely agree.

xogossipgirlxo · 21/02/2023 13:23

My husband is getting really pissed off when they tell him at work "you know, you might want to go back to work after a week of your paternity leave". So funny ha ha ha. Some men are just shit and you're right to keep your standards high.

DigitalTranny · 21/02/2023 13:29

ImustLearn2Cook · 21/02/2023 03:31

Sometimes I think that some men are jealous of women being able to get pregnant and grow a baby and give birth. It’s something women can do that men can’t do and pisses them off.

It’s all in your head, I’m afraid.
Most men are not exactly falling over themselves to have children.
It takes a lot for most of them to adjust to having children, and some never adjust.
Even marriage is at the bottom of their list, let alone having children.
A man’s primary loyalty is for his wife/girlfriend and children are secondary to him.
Some become fab dads but most of them just want their wives to carry the burden of child-rearing.
Your statement is similar to that of the penis-envy spouted by some men, but in reverse. Both of them are rubbish. Women don’t want to have penises and men don’t want to give birth.

Randomizer · 21/02/2023 13:32

Kindly, I think the men you know might be a bit shit. Or immature.

I get it, I experienced the same with an ex. Claimed to want kids but the actual idea of having one in reality in our house full time wasn't for him, so we split.

Met DH who's the exact opposite. Told him I was ready for kids in 2-3yr when we met, he said he was too and that was that. He spent the next three years working, studying, saving, planning, to make sure we had everything in place to start trying. Even when we were trying I was scared inside in case he'd change his mind as I'd been burnt by my ex, but he was constantly positive and excited, couldn't wait to 'put a baby in me' so to speak. Read the baby books, did the grunt work of finding a house for us to buy while I was pregnant, cracked on with proposing and marrying me before the baby arrived.

I look around and in pretty much all of the families I know, the men are/were the same. Knew they wanted kids, took steps to make it happen. No dilly dallying. I guess the ones who aren't like that fall by the wayside and end up single without kids or end up carried away and pressured into having them (which is still their choice if they go with it) and make crap fathers.

LexMitior · 21/02/2023 13:38

Tbh it's just immaturity on the part of the man. That's all.

The other point is upbringing - which is always a bit telling, but basically such men have grown up in homes where the father is not too connected with children and is similarly disinterested.

It's no good pretending small children are not hard work because they are. But give yourself a chance. Young women should be looking for men with parents who are already modeling the kind of family they want themselves.

You don't just get the man, you get the family. Young women need to pay close attention. The chances of your relationship beating or altering a traditional upbringing is tiny.

GettingStuffed · 21/02/2023 13:47

My DH was pretty good with ours apart from night feeds but he's still a nightmare if I need to wake him up

He's completely the other way with our grandchildren, he leaves everything to me when we babysit. On one occasion DGS fell asleep on me at about 6 nothing would wake him and he was cuddled up in such a way that no-one could lift him. He slept until 1 am and as he was wide awake he needed supervision. It was 8 am before he came downstairs and made offs for us, I then pointed out that I'd been up for 26 hours, instead of offering to take over he said he was still feed but he'd been down in a couple of hours.

Thesharkradar · 21/02/2023 13:47

Obviously there are men who are devoted and committed fathers.
There are also men who enjoy the status of being a father but do not want to do any of the boring low status work of parenting because it interferes with the things they like doing, these men were able to carry on living the life of a single man whilst at the same time having the benefits of a wife and children.
But now things are changing women expect men to step up and do an equal share of parenting, the men who aren't really good father material realise this, hence the reluctance!

ImustLearn2Cook · 21/02/2023 14:06

DigitalTranny · 21/02/2023 13:29

It’s all in your head, I’m afraid.
Most men are not exactly falling over themselves to have children.
It takes a lot for most of them to adjust to having children, and some never adjust.
Even marriage is at the bottom of their list, let alone having children.
A man’s primary loyalty is for his wife/girlfriend and children are secondary to him.
Some become fab dads but most of them just want their wives to carry the burden of child-rearing.
Your statement is similar to that of the penis-envy spouted by some men, but in reverse. Both of them are rubbish. Women don’t want to have penises and men don’t want to give birth.

Show quote history

Really @DigitalTranny ? Because some men have said that they feel a little jealous that they don’t get to experience being pregnant.

I also have known some very clucky men who wanted babies. And I have known couples where it’s the woman who isn’t keen on having kids right away but their husband is keen.

But if you want to believe in strict stereotypes that’s your problem.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 21/02/2023 15:20

DigitalTranny · 21/02/2023 13:29

It’s all in your head, I’m afraid.
Most men are not exactly falling over themselves to have children.
It takes a lot for most of them to adjust to having children, and some never adjust.
Even marriage is at the bottom of their list, let alone having children.
A man’s primary loyalty is for his wife/girlfriend and children are secondary to him.
Some become fab dads but most of them just want their wives to carry the burden of child-rearing.
Your statement is similar to that of the penis-envy spouted by some men, but in reverse. Both of them are rubbish. Women don’t want to have penises and men don’t want to give birth.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Though, I’m not that sure about man’s loyalty…
They seem to be only loyal to themselves 😉

Feefee00 · 21/02/2023 15:25

My DH was the same hated parenting small babies / toddlers it wasn't until school age and developed personality he started loving being a dad. He asked me to have another one. I said no I wasn't having another baby and doing all the work, I'm one and done.

Cuppsoupmonster · 21/02/2023 15:26

I don’t think a lot of men are really fussed about having kids they just go along with it because it’s expected of them.

DigitalTranny · 21/02/2023 15:38

ImustLearn2Cook · 21/02/2023 14:06

Really @DigitalTranny ? Because some men have said that they feel a little jealous that they don’t get to experience being pregnant.

I also have known some very clucky men who wanted babies. And I have known couples where it’s the woman who isn’t keen on having kids right away but their husband is keen.

But if you want to believe in strict stereotypes that’s your problem.

Show quote history

I never in my life heard any man saying they are jealous of women because they can give birth. This would be a rather odd statement from a/any man.
And you know, men say a lot of things…
A lot of men say they want children, then when their wish is manifested they start moaning that this is not how they imagined what parenthood would be like, and frequently leave the house to have a break and have a good moan with their mates about it.
It’s easy to say you want kids when you don’t have the faintest about raising kids and it’s not you whose body will be butchered and pummelled in the process.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 21/02/2023 15:41

Considering the number of men who have kids and then tiring of the novelty, walk away causing untold emotional damage, maybe more men should consider the negatives rather than being jazz hands happy.

Piglet89 · 21/02/2023 16:54

I have already considered all the negatives and practical stuff, so maybe I was just surprised he hadn't! At all!

With respect - you have absolutely no idea how hard or otherwise you might find it until your baby arrives. I guarantee it.

i think your husband’s quite sensible; I fucking hated the baby and younger toddler stages.

Spambod · 21/02/2023 17:37

You both sound really negative about wanting a child. He doesn’t have to want one. You don’t have to have one. It is huge. It changes everything. He is right to give it lots of thought.

Spambod · 21/02/2023 17:37

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 21/02/2023 15:41

Considering the number of men who have kids and then tiring of the novelty, walk away causing untold emotional damage, maybe more men should consider the negatives rather than being jazz hands happy.

Amen to this

Spambod · 21/02/2023 17:38

Piglet89 · 21/02/2023 16:54

I have already considered all the negatives and practical stuff, so maybe I was just surprised he hadn't! At all!

With respect - you have absolutely no idea how hard or otherwise you might find it until your baby arrives. I guarantee it.

i think your husband’s quite sensible; I fucking hated the baby and younger toddler stages.

Completely agree with this

RudsyFarmer · 21/02/2023 17:40

He sounds like he’s at least bring realistic about it. It’s a HUGE life change and for some it’s bloody misery.

Theroad · 21/02/2023 17:43

My DH wasn't like that, he was very eager to start a family but... that's no indication as to what kind of father they'll be. Most are indeed a bit shit/less than optimal/surplus to requirements. At least you've realised that before you take the plunge. I had no idea and was horrified to discover that there are practically no dads who are better than/or at least equal to mums. It's been quite the eye opener and hugely disappointing!

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 21/02/2023 17:44

If he doesn't want to father your child, he should tell you straight, not moan about it.

I've always made it crystal clear to anyone I've been in a relationship with that children are not an option.

amberisola · 21/02/2023 18:42

I see your point OP, but isn’t it better that he’s being realistic and thinking all of it through, rather than thinking he’ll get a cute baby to play with (as some men do!) and it’ll all be fine?
My DH is very keen to go ahead with TTC, I have no doubt he’d be very ‘useful’ and involved, but he really hasn’t thought through finances or the practical side of things and just thinks “we’ll manage”. I’m very anxious about birth, I want to talk about money, how I’ll be able to go back to work, the support I’ll need with my MH. He hasn’t got a clue how much this will turn our lives upside down, and he thinks I’m being negative if I bring these things up. I feel like most people don’t put nearly enough thought into having kids, then just sleepwalk into situations they’re unhappy with… overthinking and looking at the negatives (or the reality) is probably a good thing on balance!

Johnisafckface · 21/02/2023 20:23

AnnaKorine · 21/02/2023 08:00

Maybe women should be more realistic about the prospect of parenting? Perhaps it's the stereotype of women being baby machines who love nothing more than being mothers is the problem. This site is full of women saying how challenging parenting is, which is true. So many women go into it thinking it was be a wonderful experience and are surprised by the grinding reality. Having a critical think about whether you want it at all or are ready for it is actually very healthy. It’s different when men agree and shirk their responsibilities, but having a frank discussion about any doubts or fears up front should be encouraged.

I felt the same as your DH before I became pregnant, I don’t think I’m a child but at least I wasn't shocked when my life completely changed. It is a grind, it is a lot of relentless responsibility but it's also rewarding and joyous. Apart from the initial parts, DH's life has changed as much as mine, we are equal parents.

This.

And although people are putting him down, at least he's not just "saying" he wants kids and deep down doesn't want them. I'd rather know that he's doubtful about it than him going all in then turning out to be a worthless dad or moaning and groaning about them once they are here.

My dad did want kids, he had them cause my mom wanted them. My parents divorced when I was early 20s and my sister was a teen. That was 30 years ago and he's had nothing to do with us since.

My DM wished she had done it on her own but back in those days being a single mother was frowned upon. Plus she probably couldn't financially afford to do it. I'd give have a talk with your DH and maybe give him a little time, if he doesn't come around then I'd leave and have them on my own or maybe with someone else.